Limericks

There was a young man named Beebe
Who was to wed a young lady named Phoebe.
“But first I must see
What the minister’s fee
Be before Phoebe be Phoebe Beebe.”

“There’s a train at 4:04,” said Miss Jenny,
“Four tickets I’ll take. Have you any?”
“I don’t have four more
For 4:04, for
Four for 4:04 is too many.”

If singing’s your joy and delight,
But triple time gets you uptight,
Perhaps on the whole, a
Discreet hemiola
Will make the rhythm come out right.

An aspiring musician named Welles
Is an expert on tubular bells;
From the “Coffee Cantata
To “Moonlight” Sonata,
Even plays the Bolero—Ravel’s.

A voracious old bird is the pelican;
His mouth can hold more than his belly can;
He can store in his beak
Enough food for a week.
I’ll be damned if I know how the hell he can!

There once was a convict named Finnegan,
When released from prison, swore he’d never sin again.
He then committed crimes by the dozen,
He even assaulted his cousin,
So, of course, the jail he was let out of, he’s back in again!

There was a young belle from Old Natchez
Whose garments were always in patches;
When comment arose
On the state of her clothes,
She said, “Ooh, honey chile, when ah itches, ah scratches!”

A gay man who came from Khartoum
Took a sapphist gal up to his room.
They argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what and with which and to whom.

A herpetophile from Samoa
Once decided to mate with a boa.
The time that he tried,
The snake wriggled aside,
And he spilled all his spermatozoa.

A gay priest who hailed from Laredo
Worshipped a giant cock made of Play-Doh.
When a parishioner asked, “Why?”
He replied with a sigh,
“‘Cause, Alice, this clay phallus is my credo.”