A SKIT FOR THREE PLAYERS
Cast of Characters:
Moderator
Man
Woman
(The three actors enter.)
Moderator: As opposed to those who may have a fear or loathing of palindromes…
Woman: Aibohphobia.
Moderator: We are here to celebrate our love for them. We hope you enjoy our efforts. To begin, this may be considered the First Introduction.
Man: Madam (in Eden), I’m Adam.
Woman: Eve.
Man: Sexes.
(There is a screen on the back of the stage which will display various pictures throughout the skit. The first is a picture of the Panama Canal. The Moderator goes to it, points to Man then to the picture.}
Moderator: This is probably one of the most famous or best-known.
Woman: A man, a plan, a canal—Panama!
(Moderator then holds up and indicates said items.)
Man: A car, a man, a maraca.
Moderator: What do you have to say about this car?
Woman: Race fast, safe car.
Man: A Toyota’s a Toyota.
Woman: Civic.
Man (singing in a high falsetto voice): # Was it a car or a cat I saw? / Was it a bar or a bat I saw? #
Woman: O tarts! A castrato!
Man: Egad! A base tone denotes a bad age.
Woman: If I had a hi-fi…
Moderator: Napoleon Bonaparte is accredited with this quote.
Man: Able was I ere I saw Elba.
Moderator: I understand you have a variation on this, Ma’am?
Woman: Unremarkable was I ere I saw Elba Kramer. Nu?
Moderator: Using ampersands…
Man: Snug & raw was I ere I saw war & guns.
Woman: A dum reb was I ere I saw Bermuda.
(Man and Woman both sit on placed chairs. At their discretion the actors mostly direct their lines to each other, but some are to the audience or to nobody in particular.)
Man: I, man, am regal; a German am I.
Woman: Sir, I’m Iris.
Mam: Dammit, I’m mad!
Moderator: Why, what’s the matter?
Man: No melons, no lemon.
Moderator: What?
Man: I saw desserts; I’d no lemons, alas, no melon. Distressed was I.
Moderator: What are some of your food preferences?
Woman: A nut for a jar of tuna.
Moderator: And you?
Man: Go hang a salami; I’m a lasagna hog.
Woman: Ma has a ham.
Man: May a moody baby doom a yam?
Woman: Revenge my baby, Meg? Never!
Man: Sleepy baby peels.
Woman: Emil asleep, Hannah peels a lime.
Man: Stratagem off, O Yale dude; lay off Omega tarts!
Woman: Doc, note, I dissent. A fast never prevents a fatness. I diet on cod.
Man: Lisa Bonet ate no basil.
Woman: Basil is a B__ !
Man: Not a banana baton?
Woman: No, sir, away! A papaya war is on.
Man: ‘Ma,’ Jerome raps pot top, ‘spare more jam!’
Woman: Sit on a potato pan, Otis!
Moderator: What about potent potables, then?
Man: Rum…rum, I murmur.
Woman: Red rum, sir, is murder. / Lager, sir, is regal.
Man: Campus motto—Bottoms up, Mac!
Woman: Yo! Bottoms up!…U.S. motto, boy.
Man: Flee to me, remote elf.
Woman: A hero-monster frets no more. Ha!
Man: Naomi, sex at noon taxes, I moan.
Woman: A slut nixes sex in Tulsa.
Man: Bog dirt up a sidetrack carted is a putrid gob.
Woman: Poor Dan is in a droop.
Man: Ma is as selfless as I am.
Woman: Ma is a nun, as I am.
Man: Amy, must I jiujitsu my ma?
Woman: Pa’s a sap.
Man: A new order began; a more Roman Age bred Rowena.
Woman: Yawn a more Roman way.
Man: No Roman a moron.
Woman: Are we not drawn onwards, we Jews, drawn onward to new era?
Man: No, it is open on one position.
Woman: No, it is opposed; art sees trade’s opposition.
Man: O Stone, be not so.
Woman: Marge lets Norah see Sharon’s telegram.
Man: Gateman sees name; garageman sees nametag.
Woman: Sh! Tom sees moths.
Man: Now I see bees. I won.
Woman: Do geese see God?
Man: Ah, Satan sees Natasha.
Woman: Ah, Satan, no smug smirk rims gums on Natasha.
Man: Satan, oscillate my metallic sonatas.
Woman: God, a red nugget, a fat egg under a dog.
Man: Did I do, O God, did I as I said I’d do? Good, I did!
Woman: Do good? I, no! Evil anon I deliver. I maim nine more hero-men in Saginaw, sanitary sword a-tuck, Carol. I, lo! rack, cut a drowsy rat in Aswan. I gas nine more hero-men in Miami; reviled, I, Nona, live on. I do, O God!
Man: Do nine men interpret? Nine men I nod.
Woman: He goddam mad dog, eh?
Man: Tenet–
Woman: Dogma—I am God.
Man: Dog, a devil deified, deified lived a god.
Woman: Mad Zeus, no live devil, lived evil on Suez Dam.
Man: No devil lived on.
Woman: Deliver no evil; live on reviled.
Man: Live on evasions? No, I save no evil.
Woman: Live for Elli, killer of evil.
Man: Live not on evil, madam, live not on evil.
Woman: Doom an evil deed; liven a mood.
Man: Lewd did I live & evil I did dwel.
Woman: He now lives. Evil won, eh?
Man: Draw, O coward!
Woman: Draw! Oh, save Eva’s Howard.
Man: Draw pupil’s pup’s lip upward.
Woman: Top step’s pup’s pet spot.
Man: Delia sailed as sad Elias ailed.
Woman: ‘Miry rim! So many daffodils,’ Delia wailed, ‘slid off a dynamo’s miry rim!’
Man: Niagara, O roar again!
Woman: I did roar again, Niagara…or did I?
Man: I roamed under it as a tired, nude Maori.
Woman: Tug to Remus–No cider? A bargain at a Niagra Bar. Ed, I consume rotgut.
Man: Tess, I part as Al, Liz do go to Godzilla’s; a trap is set.
Woman: Party trap.
Man: ‘Not New York,’ Roy went on.
Woman: Al lets Della call Ed Stella.
Man: Da, Ed dead.
Woman: Did I draw Della too tall, Edward? I did?
Man: Ten animals I slam in a net.
Woman: Tarzan raised Desi Arnaz’ rat.
Man: Oozy rat in a sanitary zoo.
Woman: Rat race lines oppose Nile car tar.
Man: Sat in a taxi; left Felix at Anita’s.
Woman: Man, Eve let an irate tar in at eleven A.M.
Man: Nurse, I spy gypsies. Run!
Woman: Ned, go gag Ogden.
Man: Nurse, save rare vases. Run!
Woman: O Geronimo, no minor ego.
Moderator: Uh, pardon me for a moment, but I have a few questions for the two of you. What was one of your duties as the church custodian, sir?
Man: Swept pews.
Woman: We placed a decal pew.
Man: We panic in a pew.
Moderator: What do you gals do at your quilting bees, my dear?
Woman: We sew.
Man: Aha!
Moderator: Uh, what is the last name of that actor with the first name Jeremy?
Woman: Renner?
Moderator: Right! And there is a Hungarian businessman, George Something?
Man: Soros.
Moderator: That’s him. Do you have a favorite magazine, Miss?
Woman: Elle.
Moderator: Oh, like the supermodel, too. Okay, that’s it for now. Thank you. You may continue.
Man: Stab nail at ill Italian bats.
Woman: We nab anew.
(Woman produces a very large jewel of some sort and displays it.)
Man: Wow!
Woman: Huh?
Man: Mega gem.
Moderator: Did you steal that, Zsa Zsa?
Woman: Rob a gem? Me? Gabor?
Man: Too bad I hid a boot.
Woman: ‘La, Mr. O’Neill, lie normal!
Man: Kay, a red nude, peeped under a yak.
Woman: Here so long? No loser, eh?
Man: Won’t lovers revolt now?
Woman: Rise, sir lapdog! Revolt, lover! God, pal, rise, sir!
Man: Non!
Woman: Rise to vote, sir!
(Man stands up.)
Man: Put onto, he rises; ire hot, not up.
Woman: Name now one man.
Man: Stanley Yelnats.
Woman: Drab bard.
Man: Oh, no, Don Ho!?
Woman: No “X” in Nixon.
Moderator: Let’s run this slide show, shall we.
Man: Put it up, put it up.
Woman: Repaper.
(On the screen a picture appears of the Man’s face on a TV screen.)
Man: Tube debut!
Woman: Repeeper.
(Next slide is a famous Swedish singing group.)
Man: S.O.S.
Woman: ABBA!
(Next slide is John Lennon’s widow.)
Man: Yoko Ono, O.K. Oy!
Woman: Face decaf.
(Next is a picture of William Howard Taft.)
Man: Taft, fat.
Woman: LOL!
(Next slide is Zeus with a small canine at his side.)
Man: God’s dog.
Woman: Toto tot.
(Next is a litter of puppies in a chicken enclosure.)
Man: Pooch coop.
Woman: Pup.
(Next slide depicts two very old cats.)
Man: Senile felines.
Woman: Taco cat.
(Next is said animals walking past a row of shops.)
Man: Llama mall.
Woman: Draw no llama a mall onward.
(The next slide is of two male sheep wearing graduation caps and holding diplomas.)
Man: Smart rams.
Woman: Ewe.
Man: Redivider.
Woman: Smart trams.
(Next is a picture of Mickey Mouse, Algernon and Remy)
Man: Star rats.
Woman: Rats live on no evil star.
Man: Stop, Syrian! I start at rats in airy spots.
Woman: Tsetse bestest.
(Next slide is Ariel’s friend, Sebastian, in a saloon.)
Moderator: What is that?
Man: Bar crab.
Woman: LABAL.
(Next is a single bone from a chicken breast.)
Moderator: And that?
Man: Bird rib.
Woman: Emu love volume.
(Next slide is of several nightcrawlers laid out end to end.)
Man: Worm row.
Woman: Mr. Owl ate metal worm…
Moderator: Which was covered with a lot of Tabasco sauce, which made him…
Man: Too hot to hoot.
Woman: Heh-heh!
(Next is a picture of a herd of does, stags and their offspring.)
Man: Deer breed.
Moderator: They certainly do, don’t they?.
Woman: Valse Slav.
(Next slide is of a wildebeest standing next to a pile of excrement.)
Moderator: Is that what I think it is?
Man: Gnu dung.
Woman: Poop!
Man: Tat?
Woman: Gag!
(Next is of a Dutch boy sticking his finger in a hole in a dam.)
Man: Dike kid.
Woman: Deb Burton saw dike-tar in a tub, but an irate kid was not rubbed.
(Next is a picture of Olive Oyl with a sneering, sinister facial expression.)
Man: Evil Olive.
Woman: Avid diva.
(Next is what appears to be a workout space.)
Man: My gym.
Woman (making the gesture): Pull up.
(Next is a model sailboat in a backyard pool.)
Man: Pool sloop.
Woman: Kayak.
(Next slide is a mound of bean curd.)
Moderator: What in the world is that?
Man: UFO tofu.
Moderator: Would that be Unidentified Food Object, then?
Man: Naan.
Woman: Dairy myriad.
Man: Stiff, O dairyman, in a myriad of fits.
Woman: Stop pots.
(Next is a spiritual advisor sitting on a small carpet.)
Man: Guru rug.
Woman: Dr. Awkward.
(Next is a Berber in his living quarters.)
Man: Moor’s room.
Woman: Viva Aviv!
(Next slide, a circus aerial swing)
Man: Trapeze part.
Woman: Level.
(Next slide, Pringles containers)
Man: Snack cans.
Woman: Stop pots.
(Next is a picture of Santa Claus with a rocket in the background.)
Man: A Santa at NASA.
Woman: Space caps.
(Next slide is of a bechapeau’d man.)
Man: Nice hat, Bob Tahecin!
Woman: Tahiti hat.
(Next is the picture of a single pill bottle.)
Man: Lonely Tylenol.
Moderator: What do you take, dear, for your anxiety attacks?
Woman: Xanax.
(Next is a picture of the Christ the Redeemer statue.)
Man: Rio memoir.
Woman: Eté.
(Next shows a patio filled with raw vegetables.)
Man: Porch crop.
Woman: Detartrated.
(The next slide is a man standing alone in a casino.)
Man: Reno loner.
Woman: Sine penis?
Moderator: But of course without. We would not be allowed to show that!
(Next is a picture that contains the words “Christmas,: “New Year’s,” “Halloween” and four naked females.)
Man: Tit.
Woman: Teet.
Moderator: Now we can show them, however.
Man: Seven Eves.
Moderator: Plus twelve.
Woman: XIX.
Moderator (to the audience): You can do the math.
(Next slide is a picture of a long, crimson garment with an arrow pointing to the hem.)
Man: Red robe border.
Woman: Solo gigolos.
(Next is a picture of marionettes strewn about a staircase.)
Man: Step puppets.
Woman: Pets tell Abe ballet step.
(Next is a picture of a putting tee beside a thick piece of wood.)
Man: Golf log.
Woman: Golf? No, sir; prefer prison flog.
Man: A dog, a pant, a panic in a Patna pagoda.
Woman: No, sir. Panic is basic in a prison.
(A picture of a world map appears. Man produces a handful of some white granules.)
Moderator: What are you fixing to do?
Man: Salt an atlas. (He then flings it at the screen.)
Woman: Tut-tut!
(The last slide depicts a roll of a film brand.)
Man: Kodak ad. O.K?
Woman: A gas saga.
Man: Pins nip.
Woman: Dr. Azil, a lizard?
Man: Warsaw was raw.
Moderator: Let’s play some more trivia, shall we?
Woman: Yay!
Man: Stats.
Moderator: Who knows the sixth letter of the Hebrew alphabet?
Woman (raises her hand): Vav.
Moderator: What about the ninth letter of the Hebrew alphabet?
Man: Tet.
Moderator: Can someone name a brand of eyewear?
Woman: Eye?
Moderator: Yes. Like, sunglasses.
Man (raises his hand): Neven.
Moderator: Okay. How about a brand of footwear?
Woman: Kizik.
Moderator: Who remembers the name of a popular vocal jazz quartet from 2005?
Man: Zaz?
Moderator: That’s them! How about a kind of knife used primarily by Eskimo women?
Woman: Ulu.
Moderator: You guys are good! Here’s one. Name the Bernardo Bertolucci epic film whose title is a centurial year.
Man: Aka / MCM.
Moderator: 1900. That’s the one.
Woman: Aha! / MGM?
Moderator: No, I don’t think so. Now I want someone to identify these two things. One is the last name of a French politician who was executed for treason in 1945. The other is a Canadian island located just northeast of Montreal. It’s the same name for both.
Man: Laval.
Moderator: You got it. Let’s get even more esoteric, then. Name a smoking mixture of tobacco, sumac leaves and bark, if you can.
Woman: Kinnikinnik.
Moderator: That’s right. Now name a Dravidian language of India.
Man: Mayalayam.
Moderator: Right again. This is for Ms. Smarty-Pants here. What’s the Finnish word for a seller of soapstone?
Woman: Saippuakivikauppias.
Moderator: That’s easy for you to say! Well, since I can’t seem to stump you, what else do you have for us?
(All remain standing until the end of the skit.)
Man: Deed.
Woman: DOD.
Man: Dud.
Woman: Rotor.
Man: Rotator.
Woman: Refer.
Man: Reviver.
Woman: Minim.
Man: Mim.
Woman: Mom.
Man: Mum.
Woman: Sis.
Man: Dad.
Woman: Pop.
Man: Pap.
Woman: Pip.
Man: Pep.
Woman: Gig.
Man: Viv.
Woman: Lil.
Man. Nan.
Woman: Ara.
Man: Asa.
Woman: Eke.
Man: Bib.
Woman: Bub.
Man: Ici.
Woman: Idi.
Man: Did Anna say as Anna did?
Woman: Hannah, did Otto peep?…
Man: Otto, did Hannah?
Woman: Emit no gas, Otto; got to SAG on time.
Man: Pals award sage Degas, draw a slap.
Woman: Ramona is reposed in a nide so Persian, Omar.
Man: Sums are not set as a test on Erasmus.
Woman: Never odd or even.
Man: Stab, mow, knife de fink wombats!
Woman: Re hypocrisy—as I say, sir, copy her.
Man: Lepers repel.
Woman: Evitative.
Man: Ablata at Alba.
Woman: Si nummi imingmunis.
Moderator: Oh, you want to play that now—Latin and Greek examples.
Man: Ebro e otel ma Amleto e orbe.
Woman: In girum imus nocte et consumimur igni.
Man: Niψon anomemata me monan oψin.
Moderator: Which means, “Wash your sins, not just your face.”
Woman: Signa te signa, temere me tangis et angis;
Man: Roma, tibi subito motibus ibit amor;
Woman: Si bene te tua laus taxat, sua laute tenebis;
Man: Solo medere pede, ede, perede molos.
Moderator: You’re just showing off now!
Woman: Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts.
Man: Busy van notes radar: a wastrel, alert, saw a radar set on Navy sub.
Woman: Deirdre wets altar of St. Simon’s. No mists, for at last ewer dried.
Man: Loofahs in a violin! In a gap in my hymn, I, Paganini, lo, I vanish, a fool!
Woman: T. Eliot, top bard, notes putrid tang emanating, is sad. I’d assign it a name–gnat-dirt upset on drab pot toilet.
Man: Kook!
Woman: Boob!
Moderator: Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of Actors’ Equity Association…
Man and Woman (together): AEA.
Moderator: We want to thank you for your attendance and indulgence. And now, we will end by telling you what these naughty folks did.
Man and Woman (take turns speaking the names, the last three words together): Dennis, Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo, Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, Dee, Rena, Joel, Lora, Cecil, Aaron, Flora, Tina, Arden, Noel and Ellen sinned.
(All three take a bow.)
THE END