Simple Gifts?


1 Holly Street
New York, NY 10005
December 25, 2018

Dearest Marvin,

Thank you ever so much for the fabulous present. It’s really the most fun gift I’ve ever been given. The partridge is so cute, and he just adores his little pear tree. Of course, they do sort of dominate my one-room apartment, but I’ll make do, even if it does mean putting one of my favorite armchairs in storage. But I love your gift. I really do!

All my love,



1 Holly Street
New York, NY 10005
December 26, 2018

Dear Marvin,

Another present! What a surprise! Now, Marvin, Honey, don’t think that I’m not appreciative, but really, Sweetie, two turtle doves flying around an apartment can really make a mess. Remember my red carpet? It’s now two-toned. I know your heart is in the right place, but don’t you think the partridge world have been enough for one Christmas?



1 Holly Street
New York, NY 10005
December 27, 2018


If your latest gift is your way of telling me that you’re for the birds, then you have succeeded! Did you know that French hens cannot be domesticated and that their deadliest enemies are turtle doves and partridges? Did you also know that I have a cleaning bill of over $200 for the blood and feathers? Did you also know that I am now known throughout my building as “That Crazy Bird Lady”? No more! Please!



1 Holly Street
New York, NY 10005
December 28, 2018


Let me tell you about calling birds! THEY CALL TO EACH OTHER! MORNING, NOON AND NIGHT! 24 HOURS A DAY! NON-STOP! Thanks to you, I am now on tranquilizers and wearing earplugs! Needless to say, I have stopped entertaining. Parties just don’t make it in a bird sanctuary! Now PLEASE!! BUG OFF WITH THE GIFTS!!!



1 Holly Street
New York, NY 10005
December 29, 2018

Dear Big Sport!

When I got the five “gold” rings, I figured you were finally coming around to your senses by giving me something I could use. Naturally, I was wrong. Five minutes after putting them on, my fingers turned green!

Marvin, you are the pits! One more gift and I get tough!


Quigley, Farquahr, Gribble and Stubbs
Attorneys at Law
200 W. 57th Street
New York, NY 10019
December 30, 2018

Mr. Marvin Truelove
12 St. Nicholas Avenue
New York, NY 10026

Dear Mr. Truelove,

My client, Ms. Carol Yule, has instructed me hereby to order you to cease at once the sending of geese, hens, doves and other birds or gifts of any kind to her. Should you fail to comply with this order, we have no course but to take immediate legal action.

Very truly yours,
Elbert Gribble



1 Holly Street
New York, NY 10005
December 31, 2018

Dear Mr. Truelove,

I am the downstairs neighbor of Carol Yule, and she has told me to send this bill to you.
For water damage to my apartment and possessions following flooding caused by seven swans overflowing upstairs bathtub.
Please remit at once!

Myron Schmeer

(P.S. from Carol Yule: “Marvin! See what you have done?! For God’s Sake–STOP!


Department of Housing

January 1, 2019

To: Ms. Carol Yule
1 Holly Street
New York, NY 10005

You are hereby ordered to take immediate steps to remove the following violations as specified under Section 4, Paragraphs 5 and 14, of the Residential Zoning Law, which states:
“No dairy farm or establishment providing milk produce, and no zoo or aviary may be permitted in a multi-unit dwelling.”

A.B. McChesney
Asst. Director
Dept. of Housing


Police Department of the City of New York

January 2, 2019

Ms. Carol Yule
1 Holly Street
New York, NY 10005

By order of the Police Commissioner, you are hereby ordered to appear at Civil Court to answer the following charges:
1. Operating a cabaret with nine dancers without a license.
2. Using a private residence as a wildlife preserve.

Failure to comply with this summons will result in your arrest.


Acme Realty Corporation
245 E. 42nd Street
New York, NY 10017
January 3, 2019

Ms. Carol Yule
1 Holly Street
New York, NY 10005

Dear Ms. Yule:

It has come to our attention that you are in direct violation of the terms of your lease in our building at 1 Holly Street. In the aforementioned lease, you agreed that you would be the only person living in your apartment and also that you would keep no pets. According to complaints by other tenants, you are now sharing your apartment with 10 leaping men, 9 dancing women and 8 milkmaids, with their cows. In addition, there are reports of various numbers of swans, geese and other birds on the premises. We have no choice but to evict you, preferably before the end of the month.

Very truly yours,
F.C. Sweedle
Manager of Rentals



Harley Stagmire, M.D.
Stagmire Clinic
234 E. 66th Street
New York, NY 10021
January 4, 2019

Mr. Marvin Truelove
12 St. Nicholas Avenue
New York, NY 10026

Dear Mr. Truelove:

I feel that it is my duty as a psychiatrist to warn you that your actions toward my patient, Ms. Carol Yule, are causing her great mental anguish and bringing on severe traumas. She came to me today in a hersterical state, screaming uncontrollably about “eleven pipers piping,” followed by other complaints I could not make out. I learned from her that you are responsible for her condition, which may require her to be committed to a mental institution. For her good, I must insist that you remain completely out of her life.

Harley Stagmire, M.D.



Quigley, Farquahr, Gribble and Stubbs
Attorneys at Law
200 W. 57th Street
New York, NY 10019
January 5, 2019

Mr. Marvin Truelove
12 St. Nicholas Avenue
New York, NY 10026

Dear Mr. Truelove:

I regret to inform you that Ms. Carol Yule took her own life today. In her suicide note, she stated that she wished to repay you for all the things you have done for her. Therefore, I am obeying her last wishes by sending to your apartment the following of her personal possessions:

12 Drummers drumming,
11 Pipers piping,
10 Lords a-leaping,
9 Ladies dancing,
8 Maids a-milking,
7 Swans a-swimming,
6 Geese a-laying,
5 “Gold” Rings,
4 Calling Birds,
3 French Hens,
2 Turtle Doves,
and a Partridge in a Pear Tree.

Elbert Gribble


[The lesson to be learned here is that of karmic justice–what goes around, comes back around. Have a happy holiday season and a fabulous New Year.]

4,656 thoughts on “Simple Gifts?”

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