Limericks

There was a young man named Beebe
Who was to wed a young lady named Phoebe.
“But first I must see
What the minister’s fee
Be before Phoebe be Phoebe Beebe.”

“There’s a train at 4:04,” said Miss Jenny,
“Four tickets I’ll take. Have you any?”
“I don’t have four more
For 4:04, for
Four for 4:04 is too many.”

If singing’s your joy and delight,
But triple time gets you uptight,
Perhaps on the whole, a
Discreet hemiola
Will make the rhythm come out right.

An aspiring musician named Welles
Is an expert on tubular bells;
From the “Coffee Cantata
To “Moonlight” Sonata,
He even plays the Bolero—Ravel’s.

A voracious old bird is the pelican;
His mouth can hold more than his belly can;
He can store in his beak
Enough food for a week.
I’ll be damned if I know how the hell he can!

There once was a convict named Finnegan,
When released from prison, swore he’d never sin again.
He then committed crimes by the dozen,
He even assaulted his cousin,
So, of course, the jail he was let out of, he’s back in again!

There was a young belle from Old Natchez
Whose garments were always in patches;
When comment arose
On the state of her clothes,
She said, “Ooh, honey chile, when ah itches, ah scratches!”

A gay man who came from Khartoum
Took a sapphist gal up to his room.
They argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what and with which and to whom.

A herpetophile from Samoa
Once decided to mate with a boa.
The time that he tried,
The snake wriggled aside,
And he spilled all his spermatozoa.

A gay priest who hailed from Laredo
Worshipped a giant cock made of Play-Doh.
When a parishioner asked, “Why?”
He replied with a sigh,
“‘Cause, Alice, this clay phallus is my credo.”

Philosophical Epigrams

What follows is a list of my personal beliefs and special guidelines to life.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
“An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth” leaves everyone blind and toothless.
There are no accidents.
Everything happens for a reason.
People are the way they are for a reason.
There is nothing new under the sun.
There’s no place like home.
Home is where the heart is.
We make our own Heaven and Hell right here on earth.
Judge not lest ye be judged.
They who is without any sin may cast the first stone.
Forgive us our trespasses.
I can forgive even if I don’t forget.
To err is human, to forgive, divine.
To go together is blessed, to come together, divine.
Nobody’s perfect.
There is some good in everybody.
You cannot please everybody.
I don’t put anything past anybody.
I am not one to gossip, but…
I tend to confirm gossip and hearsay by going right to the source.
There are at least two sides to every story.
People believe what they want to believe.
Just because you yourself don’t believe something, it doesn’t mean that it’s not true.
People will believe a lie more readily than they will the truth.
Oh, what a tangled web we weave when we practice to deceive.
Honesty is the best policy (ideally).
To thine own self be true.
And the truth shall set you free.
Truth needs no justification.
I calls ’em as I sees ’em.
People will get away with only what you let them get away with.
Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.
Don’t try to bullshit another bullshitter.
Don’t should on me and I won’t should on you.
You cannot get away from yourself, because wherever you go, there you are!
It takes two to tango.
You’ve got to have a gimmick.
Misery loves company.
Your temper is one thing you can’t get rid of by losing it.
Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.
I’ll try most anything at least once, except marriage and heroin.
Assume nothing (to assume makes an ass out of you and me).
Nothing is forever.
Nothing is sacred.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Respect yourself.
Get over yourself.
Tempus fugit.
Chacun à son goût.
Que será será.
Live and let live.
The meaning of life: Don’t just sit there–do something!
If you don’t like your life, change it.
Variety is the spice of life.
Laughter is the shock-absorber of life.
Life imitates art and vice versa.
Life goes on.
Life is what you do while you’re waiting to die.
Life is what you make it.
Life is too short.
Life is a cabaret (old chum).
Work is what you do for others; art is what you do for yourself.
You don’t miss the water until the well runs dry.
Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?
Everything in moderation.
The love of money is the root of most evil.
It’s always about money.
Take the money and run.
Love is blind (and deaf, in some cases).
Love conquers all.
It is better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all.
Friendship is the foundation of any lasting relationship.
Trust is a two-way street.
You can be betrayed only by someone you trust.
Those who can, do; those who can’t, criticize.
Always be thankful for what you have instead of complaining about what you don’t have.
You’ve got to do with what you got.
If you’ve got it, flaunt it.
I ain’t got no shame (doin’ what I like to do).
The more, the merrier (within reason).
So many men, too little time.
Ain’t nothin’ like the real thing.
Reality is only a state of mind.
Age and maturity are states of mind.
Age is merely a number.
Age matters only if you are a cheese.
Aging is not a curse but a privilege.
You shouldn’t underestimate old people; we didn’t get to be old by being stupid.
I try to say what I mean and mean what I say.
I always put things back where I find them.
What goes around, comes around.
Ignorance is bliss.
You are what you eat.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
There is a thin line between pleasure and pain.
If you want something done your way, do it yourself.
When there is a will, there is a way.
Sleeping is a waste of time.
Every goodbye ain’t gone; every shuteye ain’t sleep; every lie-still ain’t dead.
Every litter bit hurts.
There is a sucker born every minute.
Be careful what you wish for, because you may get it.
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words can do permanent damage.
There is always a choice.
The only thing that we have to do is die.
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
Black don’t crack.
All the world’s a stage, and we all are merely actors.
Play the scene.
The early bird may get the worm, but it’s the second mouse that gets the cheese.
If you lie down with dogs, you will get up with fleas.
The higher a monkey climbs, the more of his ass is revealed.
One monkey don’t stop the show.
No one is indispensable.
Nature shows no mercy.
It’s always something.
Next!

[Related article: Likes and Dislikes]

Likes and Dislikes

# These are a few of my favorite things. #

Acrobatics and gymnastics, as a spectator

All-time favorite films: Auntie Mame, Ben-Hur, La Cage aux Folles, Caged, Ghost, The Green Pastures, High Anxiety, Hollywood Shuffle, Imitation of Life (remake), Inherit the Wind, The King and I, Murder by Death, My Cousin Vinny, Night of the Living Dead (original), The Odd Couple, The Out-of-Towners (original), Same Time Next Year, Silver Streak, Sister Act, Some Like It Hot, The Ten Commandments, Theatre of Blood, 12 Angry Men (original), Wait Until Dark, What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?, What’s Up Doc?, Witness for the Prosecution, The Wizard of Oz, The World According to Garp

Bitchfights

Books, bookstores and libraries

Bridges

Cinematic train wrecks

Eating and food

The Empire State Building

Favorite acappella groups (other than those I have been involved with myself): The Bobs, Chanticleer and The King’s Singers

Favorite female actors: Jennifer Anniston, Lucille Ball, Ellen Burstyn, Bette Davis, Doris Day, Loretta Devine, Edith Evans, Whoopi Goldberg, Goldie Hawn, Eileen Heckert, Allison Janney, Madeline Kahn, Deborah Kerr, Nicole Kidman, Angela Lansbury, Queen Latifah, Cloris Leachman, Jenifer Lewis, Shirley MacLaine, Niecy Nash, Edna May Oliver, Geraldine Page, Julia Roberts, Rosalind Russell, Margaret Rutherford, Susan Sarandon, Madge Sinclair, Maggie Smith, Meryl Streep, Barbra Streisand, Holland Taylor, Emma Thompson, Cicely Tyson, Vanessa Williams, Shelley Winters

Favorite male actors: Matthew Broderick, Michael Caine, Jim Carrey, Robert DeNiro, Johnny Depp, Robert Downey Jr., Peter Falk, Colin Firth, Michael J. Fox, Morgan Freeman, Hugh Grant, Tom Hanks, Dustin Hoffman, John Hurt, Leslie Jordan, Christopher Lee, Jack Lemmon, Thomas Lennon, Steve Martin, Roddy McDowall, Eddie Murphy, Al Pacino, Tyler Perry, Sidney Poitier, Vincent Price, Richard Pryor, Adam Sandler, George Segal, Tony Shalhoub, William Shatner, Kevin Spacey, James Spader, James Stewart, Ben Stiller, Christoph Waltz, Denzel Washington, Robin Williams

Favorite adventure film series: The Indiana Jones Tetralogy

Favorite Andrew Lloyd Webber work: Tell Me on a Sunday

Favorite animals: chimpanzees, dolphins, felines, most baby animals

Favorite authors and novels of theirs: Dan Brown (Angels & Demons), Stephen King (The Stand), Armistead Maupin (Tales of the City series), Thomas Tryon (Harvest Home)

Favorite automobile: Ford Mustang

Favorite card games: Hearts and Spades

Favorite cartoonists: Gary Larsen and Don Martin

Favorite character names: Cruella DeVil, Howdy Doody, Elmer Fudd, Motel Kamzoil, Foghorn Leghorn, Scrooge McDuck, Strangé, Truly Scrumptious, Pootie Tang, Darth Vader

Favorite choral works: Beethoven Ninth Symphony “Ode to Joy” Finale, Bernstein Mass, Handel Messiah

Favorite colors: black, green and purple

Favorite conductors: Ernest Ansermet, Robert Shaw, Arturo Toscanini

Favorite film producers: William Castle and Tyler Perry

Favorite flavors: coconut, garlic, lemon, mint, pepper

Favorite foods: cheese, deviled eggs, pasta, pizza, pork, potatoes, poultry, salads, soups, veggies

Favorite TV game shows: Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?, The Chase, Generation Gap, The Hustler, Jeopardy!, Mental Samurai, The Million Dollar Money Drop, Name That Tune, Password, To Tell the Truth (reboot), The Wall, The Weakest Link, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? (of course!)

Favorite Italian opera composer: Joe Green (aka Giuseppe Verdi)

Favorite lyricists: Oscar Hammerstein II, Tom Lehrer, Stephen Sondheim

Favorite movie directors: Woody Allen, Mel Brooks, Alfred Hitchcock, Mike Nichols, Frank Oz, Carl Reiner, Steven Spielberg, Quentin Tarantino, Billy Wilder

Favorite non-rhyming inspirational poem: Desiderata by Max Ehrmann

Favorite opera divas: Marilyn Horne and Leontyne Price

Favorite operas: Aida, Amahl and the Night Visitors, Carmen, Porgy and Bess

Favorite operatic arias: “E Lucevan le Stelle,” “Glitter and Be Gay” and “Nessun Dorma”

Favorite people: actors, babies, men(!)

Favorite plays: The Boys in the Band and Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

Favorite playwright: Neil Simon

Favorite poet: Ogden Nash

Favorite reality-based TV shows: America’s Got Talent, Big Brother, Crime Scene Kitchen, Don’t Forget the Lyrics, Inside the Actors Studio, Judge Harvey, The Masked Singer, Penn and Teller: Fool Us, RuPaul’s Drag Race, Show Me Your Voice

Favorite real person’s names: Fletcher Surratt, Ciro Tesoro, Tonda Tiedge

Favorite snacks and guilty pleasures: cake, dark chocolate-covered cranberries, donuts, egg nog, ice cream, marshmallows, mixed nuts, pie, popcorn, potato chips, white chocolate

Favorite sisters: Debbie Allen and Phylicia Rashad

Favorite standup comics (still living): Margaret Cho, Alec Mapa, Trevor Noah, Sherri Shepherd

Favorite Stephen Sondheim musical: Sweeney Todd the Demon Barber of Fleet Street

Favorite tenors: Mario Lanza and Karen Carpenter

Favorite TV characters: Archie Bunker, Lt. Columbo, Sheldon Cooper, Genevieve Delatour, Fran Fine, Jessica Fletcher, Lorelei Gilmore, Scott Guber, Maxine Gray, Thelma Harper, Sue Heck, Florence Johnston, Adrian Monk, Bonnie Plunkett, Lucy Ricardo, Alan Shore, Wilhemina Slater, Suzanne Sugarbaker, Douglas Wambaugh

Favorite TV dramatic series: American Horror Story–Freak Show, Any Day Now, Army Wives, Boston Legal, Boston Public, Breaking Bad, Bull, Castle, Charmed (the original), Chicago Fire, Chicago Hope, City of Angels, The Closer/Major Crimes, Columbo, Desperate Housewives, Devious Maids, Diagnosis Murder, Doc Martin, Downton Abbey, Drop Dead Diva, The Equalizer (reboot), Evil, Fantasy Island (reboot), Father Dowling Mysteries, FBI, Feed the Beast, Forever, For the People, The Fosters, Franklin and Bash, Gilmore Girls, Glee, God Friended Me, The Good Doctor, The Good Wife, Greenleaf, Grimm, The Haves and the Have Nots, House, Judging Amy, L.A. Law, Lethal Weapon, Magnum P.I. (reboot), Matlock, Medium, The Mentalist, Monk, Murder She Wrote, Murdoch Mysteries, 9-1-1, 9-1-1 Lone Star, Nip/Tuck, Northern Exposure, Orange Is the New Black, The Orville, Oz, Picket Fences, The Practice, Proven Innocent, Queer As Folk, Rescue Me, Rizzoli and Isles, The Rookie, Royal Pains, Scandal, Scorpion, The Secret Life of the American Teenager, Shakespeare and Hathaway, Smash, Suits, Switched at Birth, This Is Us

Favorite TV producers: Marc Cherry, David E. Kelley, Norman Lear, Ryan Murphy

Favorite TV sitcoms: Abbott Elementary, All in the Family, Ally McBeal, American Housewife, The Big Bang Theory, ‘black-ish,’ Bob [Heart] Abishola, Call Me Kat, The Carmichael Show, The Cool Kids, Designing Women, The Dick Van Dyke Show, Ghosts, The Goldbergs, The Golden Girls, Hot in Cleveland, I Love Lucy, The Jeffersons, Malcolm in the Middle, Mama’s Family, The Middle, Mom, The Nanny, The Neighborhood, The Neighbors, Psych, Raising Hope, Roseanne/The Conners, 227, Ugly Betty, The Wonder Years (reboot), Young Sheldon

Fresh chlorinated water for swimming in

Games and puzzles, especially word games (particularly cryptic crosswords)

Ghost stories

Grocery shopping

Magic acts and illusions

Making lists (Hello?!)

Making music–performing, composing, arranging, notating, sequencing

Most-talented artist, in my opinion: Noel Coward–he was an actor, dancer, singer, songwriter/composer, playwright, director and humorist.

Movies and television

My three greatest inspirations and most-admired: Michael Callen, Nelson Mandela and Elizabeth Taylor

The number five

Parties and social gatherings

Peeling things

Poetry that rhymes

Records (listening, playing, shopping and collecting songs)

Riding my bicycle

Rollercoasters

Satisfying an itch

The sex act

Solitude

The Statue of Liberty

Taking pictures

Visiting houses of worship

Walking (but not so much anymore)

Warm and hot weather

Wearing caps

Words

Writing/typing

****************************************************************
# On the list of the things that I will not miss… #

Alcoholics
Bigotry
Chain letters
Deceit and dishonesty
Extremely cold weather
The filth on New York City streets and littering
Firearms of any kind
Gin
Hypocrisy
Injustice
Loud, obnoxious or incredibly stupid people
Megalomanic law enforcement officers
Perpetual inflation
Politicians, especially those in higher positions
Religious fanatics
Saltwater for swimming in
Spectator sports
Strenuous exercise
Unwanted phone solicitations
Vandalism and destruction of public property
Waiting in lines
Warfare
Wasting things

[Related article: Philosophical Epigrams]

Let’s Have an Outing

# Come out, come out, wherever you are… #
# I’m coming out; I want the world to know… #

In addition to yearly pride celebrations, the first March on Washington for gay civil rights was held on October 10 and 11, 1987. So for a number of years now, October 11 has been designated as National Coming Out Day, and I think that’s a good thing. I wish that every gay person in the world would just come on out. For this reason I am a firm advocate of outing, voluntary or forced, if need be. I believe that there is strength in numbers, and until mainstream society is ultimately bombarded with the overwhelmingly vast number of queers there are, we will never receive the proper respect and recognition that we deserve.

I have a T-shirt that reads, “One percent? Did anyone check the closets?” I have never accepted that conservative belief by some that only one percent of the population is homosexual. Come on, I probably know more than that myself! And how can they ever ascertain a true census when so many closet cases simply refuse to admit it about themselves? So, of course, the percentage is always going to be unrealistically low. But suppose we do consider even one percent of the world’s population? At the end of 2024 the population of the world has reached 8 billion, and one percent of that is 80 million. That’s still a lot of faggots and dykes by anybody’s standards! It is certainly enough to merit some recognition and to lend some attention to our basic human rights. Interest groups of much smaller numbers have demanded social consideration.

I would make a wager that the number of gay people in the world well exceeds that number. If you hear anyone nowadays say that they don’t know any homosexuals, they must be really out of it or just in major denial. How could that be, when we are everywhere? Of course, they know some! They just probably don’t want to know that they do. That’s like saying that every gay person in the world has no family, friends or any social acquaintances whatsoever. You can’t possibly get away from us. And since we are not going away, those who don’t want us around?…well, that’s just tough!

Did you ever stop to think about what the world would be like if there were no gays or if none had ever existed? It certainly would be devoid of many wonderful and beautiful things. I defy anyone to think back through the history of the world, at any specified period of time, and not encounter some significant contribution to our lives, especially to our cultural heritage, that a homosexual person was responsible for. I’m sure that everyone has a favorite author, artist, performer, athlete, teacher, inventor, innovator, some hero or role model, somebody in your life that you greatly admire and respect, that was or is gay, whether you may be aware of it or not. Let me cite some random examples of historical and current homosexual influence on our civilization.

For instance, there was a very popular 18th-century song called “To Anacreon in Heaven,” the tune of which later became our American national anthem, “The Star-Spangled Banner.” The subject of the song, Anacreon, was a prominent Greek poet, who was gay. Due to the difficult singability of the song, there have been many attempts to convince Congress to seek a new national anthem, but to no avail so far. I’ll bet we could speed up the movement if they knew that the tune’s origin is about some foreign fag who used to diddle little boys!

I even take issue with the lyrical content of the song. It’s a song that glorifies war and aggression. “…through the perilous fight… / …and the rockets red glare and bombs bursting in air…“ Is that what and all this country is about? The song is blatantly racist as well. Consider the line, “…the land of the free…” The poem by Francis Scott Key, a slave owner himself, was written in 1814, when American slavery was in full swing. So, the land at that time was free only for white people, certainly not for any of us. 150 years later, things had not changed that much in certain locales. There is a third stanza, which is never used, thankfully, that alludes to freed slaves, who as British soldiers, were put on the front lines as the first to be sacrificed in battle. Even now I don’t consider the country all that free. Hardly anything is free. We cannot do anything or go anywhere that we want to, not even the whites. Immigration restrictions still abound, for one thing. These facts alone should be sufficient enough to merit a change.

“America the Beautiful” would be my choice for our national anthem. It honors the positive, aesthetic qualities of the land. The song is about the country itself, and it has a lovely, singable melody. “The Star-Spangled Banner” is a flag song. I think that national anthems should be about the specific country, not about some stupid flag! We would even keep it gay, because the words to “America the Beautiful” were written by Katherine Lee Bates, a sapphist!

Tutankhamen’s predecessor, Egyptian Pharaoh Akhenaten (who ruled from about 1375 to about 1358 B.C.), introduced the concept of internationalism to the ancient world. He also challenged centuries-old traditions and beliefs by introducing monotheism, the idea of a single, omnipotent God, rather than a whole bunch of lesser gods, as had been believed up until then. In doing so, he greatly antagonized the powerful priesthood, but set the groundwork for modern religions. The fact that Akhenaten was gay—he even had a lover (they were the first documented male couple in history)—did not seem to bother his contemporaries. He and his lover were assassinated because of their religious views.

While we are on the subject of religion… Who has had a bigger influence on the world at large than Jesus Christ? In my prior treatise about him, I suggest that he was probably gay. Without going through it all again here, you should read that particular blog (Jesus H. Christ!) for the specific details. But Jesus and his Disciples were not the only alleged homosexuals in the Bible. Just as famous and well-respected was their Old Testament soul brother David, who was a shepherd, warrior, musician, poet, popular king of Israel, and purported author of the famous, oft-recited and sung “23rd Psalm: The Lord Is My Shepherd,” among many others. Even though David was married more than once and had several children, he also had a torrid love affair with King Saul’s beautiful son Jonathan. In 1st Samuel David admits that he loves Jonathan “as he loved his own soul,” and later David tells Jonathan directly, “Thy love to me was wonderful, passing the love of women.”

Ruth, too, seemed to have had a special affection towards her mother-in-law, Naomi, which went beyond mere family devotion. “I will never leave you. Wherever you go, I will go, and wherever you lodge, I will lodge with you.” Someone might tell me, “Oh, that’s not what any of that means.“ How do you know? Maybe that’s exactly what it means! Do you have to catch somebody in flagrante delicto before you believe it? Anyhow, I can interpret Biblical passages any way I choose to, just as everyone else tends to do.

What gets me are the clueless, uneducated ignoramuses in this country alone who don’t know any history or much of anything else, but always have so much to say about and criticize things that they know nothing about. I hate it when somebody tells someone, “In the Bible, God says that homosexuality is wrong.” First of all, God didn’t say anything and certainly not that anyway, and “He” didn’t write the Bible. People did! And second, where can I find those words quoted exactly? They often are unable to cite where they are getting this information. It’s probably just something that they have been told, and they are too stupid or too lazy to do their own research in order to validate such hearsay.

They think, too, that gays in the military is some new thing that just cropped up in the last few decades, and something that just should not be, not knowing that there have always been gay soldiers somewhere in the world. For those who just cannot imagine a military unit with faggots in it, as far back as the 4th century B.C. there was the Sacred Band of Thebes, which was composed entirely of 150 pairs of gay lovers who had taken a vow to stand or fall together. They were unbeaten in battle for many years but were eventually defeated in 338 B.C. by Philip II of Macedon, who was the father of Alexander the Great (another queen). You see, there is nothing new in this world. So gay people are not allowed to serve in the military, huh? Then why at the end of World War II, for example, were there over 9,000 homosexuals discharged from the armed forces? And these are just the ones that they found out about. So, all you opinionated blowhards, know some history or at least something about your subject before you go spouting off your mouth about it.

I contend that gay people are everywhere, and not even the nation’s capital, including the White House, is exempt. We have heard about same-sex dalliances on Capitol Hill among Congressmen, Senators and their pages, but certain historians have delved into the personal lives of our U.S. Presidents as well, specifically trying to discover if any of them could possibly have been gay. Well, what do you think they found? Several likely candidates: the bachelor James Buchanan (but I always suspected him anyway), James Garfield, and even Abraham Lincoln!

But the biggest discovery is none other than George Washington! Yes, Virginia, it seems that the Father of Our Country was a queen! Some of the dirt that has been dug up on ol’ George was that his marriage to Martha was just a pretense. You know how that goes. They were friends, she was rich, and he needed a “beard,” okay? Well, she didn’t have any children by him, did she? A beard, incidentally, is a virility symbol—whereby it’s a woman who dates or even marries a gay man to help him socially and/or to prevent suspicion of his being gay. There are many of your “bearded ladies” in Hollywood, for example. One revealing tabloid headline once read, “Tom Cruise Shaves His Beard!” when said actor announced his divorce from Nicole Kidman. Get it?

George “Dubya” (the First) loved men in uniform, and playing soldier was his favorite hobby and pastime. In 1759 he recognized his own gay heritage by purchasing for his collection, busts of six famous generals, all gay: Alexander the Great, Julius Caesar (who was purportedly hailed in the streets of Rome with the cries of “Regina! Regina!”), Charles XII of Sweden, Frederick the Great of Prussia, Prince Eugene of Savoy and the Duke of Marlborough (ancestor of Winston Churchill, who also was gay, by the way). So here is another indication that “Gays in the Military” is not some new thing.

There is documented evidence that Georgie had a longtime love affair with Alexander Hamilton, who was 24 years his junior. They were best buddies and spent much of their time together. Alex even served as George’s personal secretary and aide-de-camp. (Yeah, I’ll just bet they used to “camp” together!) There exist love letters that they wrote to each other, and they were known to have passionate lovers’ spats in public. I have not seen the Broadway show Hamilton, and I wonder if this affair is at all alluded to. George also had a thing for the Marquis de Lafayette. It sort of gives the notion “Washington slept here” a new perspective, doesn’t it?

Where can you go in this country and not encounter the name or image of Washington somewhere? It is the most popular place name in America—with a state, 27 counties and 34 towns, including the capital, as well as a number of bridges, monuments, statues, schools, public parks and thoroughfares. But have you ever noticed that the family surname of Washington, at least in this country, is used exclusively by black people? Ironically, every Washington (other than Washington Irving) that I have encountered in life, even TV characters, are black. Have you ever met a white person named Washington? Since George never had any children of his own, these subsequent Washingtons must be descendants of the slaves that he owned, who took his name as their own. You did know that our dear George was a major slave owner, didn’t you?

When it was publicly revealed that former Presidential candidate Mayor Pete Buttigieg is gay, some had pondered if the country would be ready for a gay President? Well, since he is not the first and only, and even the very first one that they elected was gay, I think that we all should be more than ready by now, don’t you? One dissenter declared that she didn’t want somebody “like that” in the White House. Would she rather have philanderers and womanizers in there instead? And what does his sexuality have to do with the job at hand? Then, too, what if “they” are already in there and have been for some time now? Incidentally, the U.S. Senator from Alabama, William Rufus DeVane King, referred to as the First Lady “Miss Nancy,” was the best friend and purported lover of President James Buchanan.

Don’t think that all of our real First Ladies are off the hook either. There is documented proof that Eleanor Roosevelt, for one, was a sapphist, with a girlfriend and everything! The tabloids ran articles a few years ago exposing Hillary Rodham Clinton and her sapphist lovers! No wonder she was so forgiving of Bill’s extramarital indiscretions. If the stories are true, she was off doing her own thing, too.

Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy Onassis’ own father, John Vernou Bouvier III, was openly gay. One of his many lovers was songwriter Cole Porter. Chester Arthur’s grandson, Gavin Arthur, was notoriously gay. Former Vice-President Dick Cheney’s daughter, Mary, is a sapphist. Another famous dyke, whose image actually made it onto an American coin, is feminist, suffragette and abolitionist Susan B. Anthony, who is also one of only three women honored on a statue in the Capitol building’s rotunda.

Anyone who lives in or has visited the southern African country of Zimbabwe, formerly Rhodesia, or is or knows anyone who has been the recipient of a Rhodes Scholarship (and that includes our very own former President Bill Clinton, for one) should be aware that namesake British statesman and empire builder Cecil Rhodes [1853-1902] is the homosexual responsible for their assisted education. And the next time you are at the doctor’s or in the hospital, keep in mind that sapphist Florence Nightingale, the founder of trained nursing and advocate of hospital reform, is indirectly responsible for the care that you now receive.

To the homophobic Jews, they may owe their very survival to a faggot. Alan Turing [1912-1954] was a British mathematician who played an instrumental role in the defeat of Adolf Hitler. While working for British Intelligence in 1942, he succeeded in cracking the German secret code that allowed the Allies to gain access to Hitler’s most secret communications, thus subsequently bringing the War to a close. His story is depicted in Breaking the Code (1996) with Derek Jacobi portraying Turing and the more recent The Imitation Game (2014) with Benedict Cumberbatch. Turing also invented the digital computer. Look what a major influence that has made on the entire world of today! By the way, there is also some historical speculation that Hitler himself was gay. You see, some homosexuals are indeed very unhappy people.

Homophobic blacks, too, should appreciate the tremendous influence that gay political activist Bayard Rustin [1910-1987] had on the civil rights movement of the ‘60s and ‘70s. He was an advisor and close friend of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., who conceived and organized the historic March on Washington in 1963, which undoubtedly inspired and may be at least partly responsible for many of the freedoms and rights we Americans-of-color now enjoy. At any rate, a record turnout of a quarter million people certainly would qualify as major cultural influence.

How many millions of tourists have made pilgrimages to the Louvre over the years to view the “Mona Lisa” or to the Sistine Chapel to appreciate the paintings on the ceiling, as well as other great works of art as The Last Supper and the famous statue of David? Well, Leonardo da Vinci [1452-1519], generally considered to be the greatest of universal geniuses and visionaries, and Michelangelo Buonarroti [1475-1564] both were unabashed homosexuals. Who, but a queen, would spend four years painting one room?

In the 1965 Hollywood film about Michelangelo, The Agony and the Ecstasy, there is, of course, no mention of his homosexuality. They even gave him a romance with a woman. The producers did not dare to suggest that such an artistic genius could possibly be gay. Heavens forbid! How could we enjoy the film or respect the subject matter knowing that?

At least, they wouldn’t come right out and say it. They did drop an ambiguous hint, though, that I, and I’m sure others in the know, certainly picked up on. Charlton Heston as Michelangelo has gone into hiding at one point in the film, and everybody is looking for him. When the Roman guards checks a local brothel, the madam there assures them, “You can search the whole world and you’ll never find Michelangelo in a place like this! Ha ha, imagine, Michelangelo here!” Of course, she could mean that Michelangelo, being such a pious, moral-minded zealot, would never hire the services of a female prostitute, but we know what she really means, don’t we? (Heh, heh, heh.) Perhaps they should have checked the local bathhouse! Since it is more accepted nowadays, I expect that a new biopic about Michelangelo would, or should anyway, freely explore his true sexuality.

Even the more recent cable series “Leonardo” for some reason avoids to explore the artist’s gay life. He has some close male friends, but it is never suggested that anything sexual is going on between any of them. The producers seem to be more focused with his romantic obsession with the woman who posed for his Mona Lisa portrait. The follow-up, 4-hour PBS documentary, Leonardo da Vinci (2024), however, gives a more in-depth study of his entire life and achievements. This report did acknowledge his homosexuality, but said that at that particular period in history, being gay was no big deal. People didn’t care much what anybody did. Leonardo had an unquenchable thirst for knowledge. He was interested in everything, including nature and the human body. He wanted to know how everything worked.

Oh, and the next time you are on an airplane, or jump out of one, keep in mind that Leonardo was probably the first to experiment with aviation. That was 400 years before the Wright Brothers came along. He is also accredited with inventing the parachute, the helicopter, the automobile, the drawbridge, revolving stage, the piano, scissors, the telescope and contact lenses, for the vain, sight-impaired. And your latter-day militaries would appreciate that Leonardo gave them machine guns and armored tanks to play with. Plus, he is said to have served as Grand Master of the Priory of Sion, the secret society that is in charge of guarding the legendary Holy Grail. If that weren’t all, Aristotle, Socrates and Zeno, 4th-century Greek philosophers who influenced universal thought of their day, all were gay!

Incidentally, Michelangelo is not the only gay character that Charlton Heston got to play in the movies. His Judah Ben-Hur (1959) also was secretly gay, but one has to read between the lines to discern that fact. In fact, the whole film is quite gay, if you examine it closely. The back story is that Judah and Messala had a romantic relationship during their youth, and when they are reunited years later, Messala wants to resume the relationship, but Judah flatly rejects him, which is why he becomes his bitter enemy. It is simply a case of a lover scorned. That whole thing about Messala wanting Judah to join his forces against the Jews is just an excuse for them to get back together. Gay author Gore Vidal, who wrote the screenplay, did confide this little inside intrigue to the director William Wyler and even to Stephen Boyd, who plays Messala, but they didn’t let Heston in on what was going on, fearing his reluctance or objection. Gay writers tend to create gay characters. We can’t help ourselves.

Notice that in the scene where the two see each other for the first time and embrace, Boyd has this expression of utter delight on his face. He is so glad to see his boyfriend again. When they both throw their spears at the crossbeams in the room, Messala says to Judah, “Still so close,“ and Judah replies, “In every way,“ to which Messala adds, “I hope so,“ as he lovingly fingers Judah’s arm! A very subtle gesture, but I caught it. Messala even utters this non sequitur: “Is anything so sad as unrequited love?“ Say what? Maybe there were missed opportunities when they were young, but now as an adult, Messala is ready to act on his desires. Then when they toast, they lock their arms to drink. Who does that besides those enamored of one another? Their faces are only inches apart when the scene changes. Shucks! Did we miss the inevitable kiss?

And finally, after Messala is fatally wounded during the chariot race, whom does he summon to his dying bedside but Judah?! Whom would you want to see one last time before you die, someone you hate with a passion or someone that you love? Even before the race, Judah was not at all interested in participating until he learned that Messala would be there. Oh, now he wants to compete!

How about when Judah is sentenced to serve time on the galley ship, and on the way there he collapses from exhaustion and thirst? He is given water by Jesus Christ (his face is never shown), who is stroking Judah’s hair and face and caressing him while he drinks. When Judah looks up at Jesus, he has this look of loving admiration on his face, and he is still looking at his savior as he is being dragged away. Judah attempts to return the favor later when Jesus is in a similar situation.

I even suspect that Judah and his captor on the galley ship have a thing for each other. Of the 200 slaves on the ship, Quintus (Jack Hawkins) singles Judah out to speak to–he even summons Judah to his chambers one night to “talk.” And later, while all his fellow rowers are chained together, Quintus orders only Judah to be unshackled. So when the ship is attacked and Quintus is thrown overboard, Judah dives in after him and saves his life, which prompts Quintus to free Judah and later adopt him as his son and heir. You might say that Quintus is Judah’s “sugar daddy.”

When Judah returns home, he is more concerned about seeing Messala again than renewing a romance with Esther, the woman he left behind. She is in love with him, but he shows little interest in her. They barely embrace after having not seen each other for four years. Yeah, he’s gay. It’s all there, people. You just have to be observant, and having cinematic “gaydar” helps, too.

There are many subtle gay references in old films that go over some people’s heads. Let me cite a few more. Some characters use coded metaphors and innuendo to mask their true intentions. Like Laurence Olivier in Spartacus (1960) during the notorious bathing scene with his slave Tony Curtis. Sir Larry is trying to put the make on pretty-boy Tony and asks him if he considers the preference of “oysters” and/or “snails” to be a morality issue, then admits that at times he himself likes to partake of both. “How about you, dear boy, do you fancy oysters and snails?” Tony then flees so he won’t have to “go there” with the older man, I suppose.

Cowboys Montgomery Clift and John Ireland are comparing their guns in Red River (1948), trying to determine who has the more impressive one! “Let me see your gun. Do you want to see mine?” Then they whip them out (of their holsters) and actually stroke them. Hey, boys, stop that! I think John wins, though. It was rumored that Ireland did indeed have a fully-loaded “gun,” and little Monty Clift, not so much. In a later scene, Ireland is with a group of other ranchers and when asked why he agreed to go on the cattle drive with them, he tells them, “Because [John Wayne] asked me to go, and besides, I have taken a liking to that gun of his.” Oh, have you now! A little less subtle is the scene in which Joanne Dru chides the spatting Monty and Duke Wayne with, “Stop fighting! You two know that you love each other.” Well, she had their number at least, huh?

In Alfred Hitchcock’s Rope (also 1948) John Dall and Farley Granger have just murdered their friend for kicks and are discussing the experience. It’s obvious, at least to me, that these two are lovers. “How did it feel when we did it? Was it as good for you?” Do you need reassurance, John? Are you that insecure? In Hitchcock’s Rebecca (1940) Judith Anderson as Mrs. Danvers, the dykish housekeeper, is showing the new Mrs. DeWinter, played by Joan Fontaine, the room and belongings of her former mistress, whom it’s apparent that she still has a thing for. She has kept this dead woman’s lingerie and is shown lovingly caressing her panties and even sniffing the crotch!

Similarly, in The Uninvited (1944) the character of Cornelia Otis Skinner apparently had a sapphic relationship with a woman who is now a house-haunting ghost. “Miss Holloway” refers to “Mary” as her “darling” and relates the plans they had as a live-together couple before the woman died. She also talks often to the large portrait of her dead girlfriend that hangs on the wall of her office. But nobody alludes to their sapphism. “Oh, they were just good friends.” Sure, they were. Friends with benefits!

In Hitchcock’s Strangers on a Train (1951), Robert Walker’s character, Bruno Anthony, is a romantically-unattached mama’s-boy who cruises and then comes on to tennis player Guy Haines (Farley Granger again, who is probably straight this time) on the train. Bruno tells Guy that he likes him a lot and wants to be “friends” with him, to the point that if they commit murder for each other, he hopes that it will cause them to have a close, ongoing relationship. He is obsessed with Guy, turning up wherever he happens to be at the time. Maybe the reason that Bruno’s father hates him is because he knows his only son is a fag. It was Walker himself who chose to play the character as gay.

In North by Northwest (1959) it was a note in the script that alerted Martin Landau that his character has a thing for James Mason. Although Hitchcock never discussed these gay aspects with his actors, he certainly was aware of them. He was interested in perverse sexuality of any kind and used it for dramatic tension. His Norman Bates in Psycho (1960) is a sexually-confused, misogynistic, homicidal cross dresser!

In Rebel Without a Cause (1955) Sal Mineo’s character has an obvious crush on costar James Dean. How about when Sal opens his school locker and instead of a picture of Betty Grable or Rita Hayworth, there is hanging a publicity headshot photo of Alan Ladd! Well, now! The signs are there, you just have to be astute enough to spot them. Check out Vito Russo’s The Celluloid Closet (book and/or 1995 film-documentary) for these and other instances of gay moviedom.

Not so subtle, and unenlightened children may not be aware, but Bert Lahr’s Cowardly Lion in The Wizard of Oz (1939) is a blatant flamer! Of course, the kids think he’s funny, and it’s true that during that period, nelly characters were used basically as comic relief. Lahr’s mannerisms and even some of his lines are so gay. He tells us right off the bat in his introductory song, # Life is sad, believe me, Missy, when you’re born to be a sissy, without the vim and verve… # Well, now! Then, # I’m afraid there’s no denyin’, I’m just a dandy lion… # as he breaks wrist. So again, he admits it. Later he sings, # If I were King of the forest, not queen (oh, really?!), not duke, not prince / My regal robes of the forest would be satin (satin robes, huh?), not cotton, not chintz. # Chintz?! How many straight men (or others, for that matter) even know what chintz is? And the Lion would have to know what it is in order not to want it, wouldn’t he? Anyway, I would think that chintz would be right up his alley! # As I click my heels… # Miss Thing, why are you wearing heels?! When Dorothy first meets the Scarecrow and is asking him which road to take, he tells her, “Well, some go this way, and some go that way. Of course, some people go both ways.” They certainly do, don’t they? The film is just loaded with camp!

Another hilarious comedy film fraught with gay references and sensibilities is Billy Wilder’s Some Like It Hot (1959). Jack Lemmon is the quintessential drag queen, and Joe E. Brown is Jack’s relentless pursuer. “Osgood,” a millionaire bachelor “mama’s boy,” has to know that “Daphne” is really a man, but he apparently doesn’t care. Daphne even tries to tell him when Osgood says to him, “You must be quite a girl.” and Jack retorts, “Wanna bet?” Osgood later proposes marriage to Daphne–and he accepts!–and wants to take him home to meet his mother. Even when Lemmon finally admits to Brown that he is, in fact, a man, it does not faze him one bit.

Billy Wilder’s Stalag 17 (1953) is set in a WWII prisoners-of-war camp. The all-male cast is confined for many months together without any female interaction whatsoever. Now, you know that those young, virile guys must be fucking each other! Why wouldn’t they be? My favorite scene in the film is when the men throw a party for themselves and all are shown slow dancing cheek-to-cheek with each other! I mean, how gay is that?! They all love singing a song which has the lyric, # And we’ll all feel gay when Johnny comes marching home. # Of all the songs they could have picked, why did Wilder choose that particular one for them to sing over and over again? There are no accidents. The same can be said for Cool Hand Luke (1967). There are these strapping young guys in an isolated, southern prison camp, who walk around half-naked most of time with no female access. Of course, they are having rampant sex with each other? What’s stopping them?

In The Happiest Millionaire (1967), the last film that Walt Disney had anything to do with before he died, there is a scene that I assess with a peculiar perspective. The movie takes place in Philadelphia, “the City of Brotherly Love.” John Davidson and Tommy Steele visit a local Irish pub which is populated entirely by men! In most movie bar scenes there are always women on the premises, as they like to drink, too, and be picked up by guys on the make. Or they would employ a bar maid serving drinks and/or a female bartender. So is this a gay bar, then, perhaps? Just because the patrons don’t appear to be gay, I am not convinced that they aren’t. They do attempt to prove their manliness by staging an obligatory bar brawl, which is one way that some men show their affection for each other. I’m just saying.

Several screen adaptations of Tennessee Williams plays display not-so-subtle instances of gay subtext. The most obvious is in his Suddenly Last Summer (1959), in which the only-referred-to character of Sebastian Venable apparently has gotten eaten alive by a mob of starving, indigent, Spanish youths. Sebastian’s cousin, Catharine, who relates the story to her family and doctor, reveals that he used her to procure male prostitutes for him, and which is why his doting mother wants to lobotomize her niece to prevent her from outing her son.

In Cat on a Hot Tin Roof (1958) Brick (Paul Newman) and Maggie (Elizabeth Taylor) are a sexless, therefore childless, married couple. Brick is grieving from the suicide death of his “special friend,” Skipper, who we learn was his secret lover. It is implicated that Brick broke off the relationship when he married Maggie and has become a hopeless drunk out of guilt, as he believes that Skipper killed himself because of it. Maggie is sexually frustrated, because Brick doesn’t pay her any attention. Now, come on! He doesn’t desire Elizabeth Taylor? He must be gay! I would have fucked Liz Taylor!

In A Streetcar Named Desire (1951) we learn from Blanche Dubois that she was once married to a younger-than-herself man who, when she discovered that he was gay and did not take the news very well, killed himself. Do you detect a pattern here? In all of these cited plays, there is a reference to a dead faggot who either killed himself or was horribly murdered. That’s only three examples. As I don’t know all of Williams’ plays, there may be others with similar characters. The movie versions all gloss over these gay references, however. They never say the word. We have to discern it from the context of the dialogue.

Check out this verse from Leiber and Stoller’s song, “Jailhouse Rock,” which Elvis Presley sang in the 1957 film of the same name. # No. 47 said to No. 3, / “You’re the cutest jailbird I ever did see. / I sure would be delighted with your company. / Come on and do the Jailhouse Rock with me.” # Say what?! This must be an all-male prison, so to whom is he referring if not another man? Plus, the term “rock” (and “roll,” too) when used in popular music of the ’50s and ’60s have long been euphemisms for the sex act. # Let’s rock!…Everybody in the whole cell block were “dancing” to the Jailhouse Rock. # Oh, were they, now? That sounds like major orgy time to me!

There is apparently a Gay Revolution occurring in the entertainment industry, as popular magazines like Entertainment Weekly, People and Time have reported of late. Two decades before the last one was even hailed as “The Gay ’90s,” as gay pop culture definitely infiltrated the mainstream. It seems that practically every new TV series since the 1996 Fall Season (at least the ones I’ve seen) features a gay character or includes some gay reference at some point in the show. At first they appeared to serve only as a token, because they were usually single. If gays have the reputation of being so promiscuous, why were they seldom shown having sex or with a lover or other gay people? We certainly get enough of men and women rolling around in bed together all the time. I guess the producers thought that one faggot in a situation was ideally quite enough, and we certainly didn’t want to see them making love!

Thankfully, there have been huge changes in that department. Now being gay seems to be no big deal. And they are all open and up front about it, too. They can volunteer the information that they are gay without any negative response from the other characters. The character, Steven Carrington on the original “Dynasty,” created a family scandal when he finally decided that he was gay and ended up with a live-in male lover. On the new reboot of the series, Steven‘s being gay is nothing special. He is just another character who just happens to be gay.

The original “Roseanne” featured multiple gay characters on a regular basis, including a gay wedding. The short-lived “Courthouse” and “100 Centre Street” both had a sapphist relationship, where one of the women in each series was a judge! “The Tracey Ullmann Show,” whose regular character, Francesca, is a young woman who was raised by her gay father and his male lover. “It’s All Relative” and “Marry Me” also stars two married gay men with an engaged daughter.

One of the main characters in the hit series “Glee“ is a high school girl with two gay fathers. “Picket Fences” featured a gay couple on more than one occasion, and “Northern Exposure,” whose featured gay male couple also had a wedding in one of the episodes. The writers went so far as to name the town where the series is set (Cicely, Alaska) after a beloved sapphist who once lived there with her female lover. “Ellen” featured a married, gay male couple, and the sitcom’s star, Ellen DeGeneres herself created much controversy when her character came out on her show as well as for real! I think that it was a daring move, although it was no great surprise to me, as I always thought that she was a sapphist anyway. Way to go, Ellen!

Another series, “Felicity,” featured more than one gay character, including one season finale gay wedding. “Friends” also featured a sapphist wedding, which was officiated by homophobic former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich’s sapphist sister Candace! “Desperate Housewives” and “Modern Family” both feature married gay couples as major characters.

Also, we are learning that one does not have to be grown to realize their own gay identity. “The Secret Life of an American Teenager“ and “Ugly Betty“ both feature out and proud high school teenagers. Tween Justin on “Ugly Betty” was the youngest gay character on TV until the series “Back in the Game” came along, where there was a kid character younger than Justin. This boy must have been 10-years-old, and from his demeanor and interests, it’s pretty obvious that the boy is a budding faggot. The sitcoms “Champions” and “The Connors” feature out and proud gay tweens. “The Middle” has a gay teen, too, but the running joke on there was that he and his girl friend had not figured out that he’s queer until the final season of the series.

“Dawson’s Creek,” “Nashville” and “Will and Grace” have featured primetime kisses between two men. “Dante’s Cove,” “Queer As Folk,” “The L Word” and Logo’s (our very own gay network) “Bad Girls,” “Banana,” “Cucumber” and “Noah’s Arc” all feature gay main characters and explicit (although simulated) on-screen sex on a regular basis.

Let’s have a sitcom (other than “Noah’s Arc”) on a major network, like “Friends,” where all the leading characters are gay. Gay people are funny, too. There would be much camping and cruising and even dating! Since both “Sisters” and “Girlfriends” are already taken, I thought of another punny title and premise. How about calling it “Friends of Dorothy”? “Dorothy” could be the resident fag hag of the group. Get it? Now watch somebody steal my idea. We queens have even jumped on the reality-TV bandwagon with the cable shows “Boy Meets Boy,” “Gay Weddings,” and “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy,” and PBS ran a monthly, gay news magazine series called “In the Life,” on which I appeared several times with The Flirtations.

When someone is developing a TV series with a family setting, they have to decide how many children there are and which gender they shall be. I have noticed that in the case of two gay men with a child (“Tracey Ullmann,“ “It’s All Relative,” “Modern Family,” “Glee” and “Marry Me,” for examples), it’s always been a girl. As there are no accidents, what I think is the reason for that has to do with what ignorant, uninformed Americans think about gay men. When it comes to TV-watching sensibilities, the producers tend to want to appeal to the lowest denominator of viewers, apparently. With a girl there is not likely any impropriety going on, since they wouldn’t have any sexual interest in a female, and girls tend to relate more to their fathers, which is fine. A boy, on the other hand, would be subject to the two men’s constant molestation (you know that we all lust after little boys), and without a female, mother figure in the home and with the dads’ influence, the boy will probably grow up to be gay like them. Of course, we know that that’s all bullshit, but that’s how they think we all think.

But then gay producer-writer Ryan Murphy defied convention a few years ago to be the first and only one so far to make the child of the main characters of “The New Normal,” two married gay men, and provided by a surrogate, to be a boy. But then the show was promptly cancelled, so we never got to see how that played out. In the case of “Two and a Half Men,” their casting a boy instead of a girl is okay, because the two male parents are not gay, therefore no purported sexual threat to the child. And we all know that straight men never molest children, right?

A “character du jour” that has cropped up on TV nowadays is the transsexual. As long as forty years ago much of mainstream America were probably unaware that these people even existed, let alone to be featured as prominent characters on their favorite TV shows. Since Olympia Dukakis starred as transgendered Anna Madrigal in “Tales of the City” in 1993 (and its sequels), other trannies have turned up on “All My Children,” “Ally McBeal,” “Becoming Us,” “Big Shots,” “The Conners,” “Dirty Sexy Money,” “Family Law,” “The Fosters,” “Nip/Tuck,” “Orange Is the New Black,” “Pose,” “Transparent” and “Ugly Betty,” to name some. Theatrical films, too, have been featuring transgendered characters now more than ever before. Although real women are usually cast to play these characters (at least the man-to-woman variety), there are a few instances where they are played by real transgendered actors, like Candace Cayne and Laverne Cox. Even the reality show, “Big Brother,” included its first transgendered houseguest/contestant one season. She didn’t keep it a secret either, but was open and forthcoming about it.

The daytime serial “Passions” came up with an absurd storyline featuring a vengeful, blackmailing, incestuous, split-personality, intersexual serial killer! “Valerie/Vincent” also knowingly had sex with his/her own father, became pregnant and had a baby by him! Can they stop? (“She’s my sister and my daughter!”) Slap that bitch…again. “They” deserve it.

Mike Brady, the patriarch of the ever-popular, syndicated sitcom “The Brady Bunch,” was played by Robert Reed, who was gay. And we mustn’t forget the Bradys’ housekeeper, Alice, played by Ann B. Davis, Nancy Kulp from “The Beverly Hillbillies” and Sheila James Kuehl from “The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis.” Sherman Hemsley of “All in the Family” and “The Jeffersons” was gay, as well as Damon Evans who played his son, Lionel. Dick Sargent of “Bewitched” was gay and even came out publicly a few years before he died. Richard Chamberlain, of “Dr. Kildare,” Shogun and The Thorn Birds fame, finally came out publicly himself a few years ago. The late Raymond Burr, who is associated with portraying, perhaps, the most famous defense lawyer of all time, Perry Mason, was also gay, as well as Grandpa Will Geer of “The Waltons.” Incidentally, Geer was at one time the lover of Harry Hay, political activist and founder of the Mattachine Society, the first national organization for gay men.

Two of the most popular, long-running TV game shows, “Jeopardy!” and “Wheel of Fortune” (since 1964 and 1975 respectively), were created by multi-millionaire mogul and homosexual Merv Griffin. The very popular “Desperate Housewives” and “Devious Maids“ were created by gay writer Marc Cherry, “Six Feet Under” by Alan Ball, and “American Horror Story,” “Glee,” “Grotesquerie,” “911,” “Nip/Tuck,” “Pose” and “Scream Queens” by the aforementioned Ryan Murphy. You Trekkies will be pleased to know that the “Star Trek” series have some gay actors among their ranks, including René Auberjonois, LeVar Burton, Jonathan Frakes, Patrick Stewart, George Takei, and even William Shatner!

(# Who’s the leader of the Club that’s made for you and me?…D-I-S-… # “Estimate the number of your gay employees…” # N-E-Y… # “Why? Because it’s time to out you!” # W-A-L-T! #)
The Walt Disney Studio and its film company affiliates of today have a very high percentage of gay employees. All those best-selling cartoons from The Little Mermaid (1989, and even before) up through to The Princess and the Frog and beyond have a number of gay people connected with them—from animators and writers to the directors and composers. And there is a rumor that even ol’ Walt himself was a closeted gay man, and a chicken queen, to boot! It was revealed in a question on “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” one day that just before he died, Walt uttered Kurt Russell’s name! He did star the youth in several of his films. Might he have had a secret, unrequited (or not) crush on the boy?

Walt’s being gay is perhaps why he didn’t hire known homosexuals to work for him while he was alive. He probably was afraid that they might out him and blow his cover. Walt even fired Tommy Kirk, one of his biggest juvenile stars, when the young man’s homosexuality became publicly apparent. But he later hired him back when a couple of his recent movies made the studio so much money, and Walt needed Tommy for a sequel. He must have had a conniption in the afterlife, or maybe he was delighted, when he first learned that Walt Disney World celebrates an annual Gay Day at his park. So now I have outed him as being a closet queen and a racist! (See my other blog about him.)

Who is not an all-time fan of Bugs Bunny? What’s up, Doc? Can we talk? Now, I ask you, is that a queen, or what?! Well, check Miss Thing out! He is frequently “in drag,” in practically every cartoon. He has had a love scene with most of his male costars. In his feature film, Space Jam (1996), Bugs gives basketball star Michael Jordan a big smackeroo kiss right on the mouth, and he’s not even in drag this time! She’s such a camp! The Harry Potter books have become the most successful and most popular novel series of all time. Author J.K. Rowling revealed to the world in the last book that Dumbledore, the beloved headmaster of Harry’s school for wizards, Hogwarts, is gay!

What about Statler and Waldorf, those two old heckling balcony queens from “The Muppet Show”? I love them. And aren’t Bert and Ernie from “Sesame Street” a darling couple! Fans of “The Simpsons” will have heard Waylon Smithers declare his undying love to his employer and mentor, the evil Mr. Burns, on more than one occasion, and Akbar and Jeff (of Life in Hell) are quite open about their lover relationship, as are Logo’s Rick and Steve. Some recent commercial ads have suggested that Popeye and Bluto are now a romantic couple, much to the perplexity of poor rejected Olive Oyl. And who hasn’t figured out that Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are lifetime lovers. How do I know? Well, elementary, my dear Reader. Batman and Robin, too, must be porking each other, although Bruce Wayne tries to pass off Robin as his “ward.” Yeah, right. It is also suspected that Xena the Warrior Princess and her “protégée,” Gabrielle, are more to each other than they let on.

In the real world, what about your Butch Cassidy and your Sundance Kid? I suppose that practically everyone presumes that live-together illusionists Siegfried and Roy were lovers. I never heard them deny it. Actor Sylvester Stallone is always dropping little hints in public as to his being gay, but people seem to think that he’s only joking. They think that someone that macho just couldn’t be gay. I am convinced that Stallone and John Travolta had a thing going during the filming of Staying Alive (1983), if not before and maybe even since. There is a scene in the film which shows Travolta walking down a crowded street, being heavily cruised by a man who is none other than Sly himself, in a Hitchcockian cameo appearance! Sly smiles at John through the crowd and makes this really nelly gesture at him. I think that’s pretty blatant. It’s Sly’s film—he wrote and directed it—and if he didn’t want that scene in there, it wouldn’t be. Or he could have had anybody else play that part. So I think he must be trying to tell us something. I have even heard him make self-incriminating comments about himself during interviews. Maybe he’s counting on his fans not to take him seriously. More recently, John himself was publicly outed because of his dalliances with loose-lipped personal masseurs. George Clooney does the same thing. He regularly admits his strong attraction to fellow actor Brad Pitt. We can only speculate if he has physically acted upon his desire.

Though he never wants to admit that he is, in fact, gay (or at least bisexual), I have it on pretty good authority that Tom Cruise was a regular fuck buddy with producer David Geffen, among others. From that earlier cited news report, there must be others as well who suspect as much. I’ve been told that Italian film directors Luchino Visconti and Franco Zefferelli were lovers for many years. I also heard some dirt on the aforementioned Ann “The Man” B. Davis and Nan “The Man” Kulp. Their respective TV shows were filmed in nearby studios, and Barry Williams of “The Brady Bunch” reported to someone that on many occasions Nancy would pick up her friend Ann after work on her motorcycle, and they’d go riding off into the sunset together. Dykes-on-Bikes, Hollywood-Style!

An outraged Frank Sinatra purportedly caught his then-wife Ava Gardner making it with Lana Turner during an intimate slumber party. Heartthrobs Cary Grant and Randolph Scott shared a Hollywood beach house for 12 years. As with Rock Hudson, studio heads pressured Grant to get married to a woman. Scott accompanied him and his first wife of five, actress Virginia Cherrill, on their London honeymoon. The marriage lasted less than a year, and Cary was back at the beach house with Randy.

I recently learned from an elderly actor acquaintance of mine, who knew him personally, that Spencer Tracy was gay! Although they were good friends, if only platonic, Katharine Hepburn was merely his beard for all of those years. He left his wife but he never divorced her, something about their being Catholic and all. Tracy’s sexual interest was for young men and boys. I expect that working on Boys Town (1938) must have been a heavenly experience for him, and he was awarded an Oscar for it besides! Maybe he was Kate’s beard as well. I always perceived sapphist vibes from her. Her whole demeanor and dress just screamed “stomping bulldyke.”

Look at how many men and women all over the world still love and worship Elvis Presley. I learned that he, too, led a closeted gay life. He had been linked with fellow actors Nick Adams and even James Dean, among others. Other famous Hollywood same-sex couples, however unlikely, were Tab Hunter with Anthony Perkins, Danny Kaye with Sir Laurence Olivier, Julie Andrews with Carol Burnett, Joan Crawford with Barbara Stanwyck, Marilyn Monroe with both Joan Crawford and Elizabeth Taylor, Claudette Colbert with Marlene Dietrich, Penny Marshall with Lori Petty, Ethel Merman with Jacqueline Susann, Agnes Moorehead with Debbie Reynolds, and Tallulah Bankhead with Hattie McDaniel! Go ‘head!

Look at how our culture has been influenced by William Shakespeare, debatably the greatest, but at least the most-performed, most-adapted and most-quoted playwright that ever lived, even though the authenticity of his authorship has been put to question and challenged as of late. Yep, another queen! And of course, the works of gay playwrights Edward Albee, Noel Coward, Mart Crowley, Jean Genet, Lorraine Hansbury, Lillian Hellman, William Inge, George Kelly (Princess Grace’s uncle), James Kirkwood, Larry Kramer, Tony Kushner, Federico Garcia Lorca, Christopher Marlowe, Terence McNally, Moliere, Joe Orton, Robert Patrick, Terence Rattigan, Sophocles, August Strindberg, Oscar Wilde, Emlyn Williams, Tennessee Williams and Doric Wilson have been performed all over the world.

How many children all over the world have read, or were read to, the “fairy” tales of Danish storyteller Hans Christian Andersen? Chicken queen, by his own admission! Children’s authors James M. Barrie and Lewis Carroll had similar reputations. In addition, the works of gay authors like, Horatio Alger, James Baldwin, Brendan Behan, Rosa Bonheur, William S. Burroughs, Samuel Butler, “Truewoman” Capote, Willa “Catheter,” Jean Cocteau, Patrick Dennis, Daphne DuMaurier, Dominick Dunne, E.M. Forster, André Gide, Bret Harte, Christopher Isherwood, Henry James, James Joyce, D.H. Lawrence, T.E. Lawrence, Somerset Maugham, Armistead Maupin, Carson McCullers, Herman Melville, Edna St. Vincent Millay, Sir Harold Nicholson, Edgar Allan Poe, Marcel Proust, Harold Robbins, Frederick Rolfe, Saki, Vita Sackville-West, Madame de Stael, Gertrude Stein, Robert Louis Stevenson, Leo Tolstoy, Alice Walker, Evelyn Waugh, T.H. White, Thornton Wilder, Virginia Woolf (ooh, I am scared of her!) and others, have made it to the movie screens for millions to see.

Widely-read gay poets include, W.H. Auden, Joe Brainard, Rupert Brooke, Lord Byron, Colette, Hart Crane, Countee Cullen, Dante, Emily Dickinson, Lord Alfred Douglas, Robert Duncan, T.S. Eliot, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Allen Ginsberg, Friedrich Hölderlin, Gerald Manley Hopkins, A.E. Housman, Langston Hughes, Chester Kallman, Edward Lear, Audre Lorde, Amy Lowell, Rod McKuen, James Merrill, John Milton, Alexander Pope, James Whitcomb Riley, Arthur Rimbaud and Paul Verlaine (lovers), Dante Gabriel Rossetti, Sappho, May Sarton, Percy Bysshe Shelley, John Moray Stuart-Young, Algernon Swinburne, Torquato Tasso, Sara Teasdale, Virgil and Walt Whitman.

Is there anyone alive over the age of five who does not know who Frankenstein is or has not seen a film based on the character or his monstrous creation? Well, here’s one for you. Not only was James Whale, the director of the 1931 horror classic which introduced them to the movie-going public, gay, but so was Mary Wollstonecraft, the woman who produced Mary Shelley, the author of the original novel!

Being a musician and composer myself, I am always interested in who among my fellow artists are gay. The reported gayness of some of the following (mostly) dead classical composers and popular songwriters is pretty much common knowledge, but there are those whom you may not have heard about but of whom there is some evidence, or at least some speculative suspicion. They are: Thomas Arne, Samuel Barber, Ludwig van Beethoven, Vincenzo Bellini, Irving Berlin, Leonard Bernstein, Marc Blitzstein, Johannes Brahms, Benjamin Britten, Frederic Chopin, Aaron Copland, John Corigliano, Henry Cowell, Carl Czerny, Claude Debussy, Frederick Delius, Manuel de Falla, Duke Ellington, Stephen Foster, George Gershwin, Percy Grainger and Edvard Grieg (who were lovers), Charles T. Griffes, Calvin Hampton, George Frederick Handel, Roy Harris, Lorenz Hart, Hans Werner Henze, Jerry Herman, David Hurd, Jean Baptiste Lully, Gustav Mahler, Alan Menken, Modest Mussorgsky, Francis Poulenc, Maurice Ravel, Ned Rorem, Camille Saint-Saens, Erik Satie, Franz Schubert, Marc Shaiman, Stephen Sondheim, Igor Stravinsky, Billy Strayhorn, Sir Arthur Sullivan, Karol Szymanowski, Thomas Tallis, Peter Tchaikovsky, Virgil Thomson, Sir Michael Tippett and Richard Wagner.

Yes, Beethoven! How about that? I learned that there is no evidence that he was ever in a relationship with a woman. But we do know about his affection for his young nephew, Karl. So don’t believe that “Immortal Beloved” bullshit in the 1994 film. In real life at least, the title don’t refer to no woman! Handel, too, had no female attachments his entire life. Were they asexual celibates or closet queens? You decide.

(# I like a Gershwin tune. How about you? #)
Who does not have a favorite piece of music or has not heard something written by at least one of the aforementioned composers? The Catholics, for example, could not have avoided Schubert’s “Ave Maria” all their lives. There are very few wedding ceremonies occurring anywhere, whether they be actual or cinematic, that don’t include Wagner’s “Bridal March.” And who can get through an entire year without hearing Handel’s Messiah, something from a Jerry Herman or Sondheim musical or even a Gershwin or Cole Porter tune?

Princess Grace of Monaco’s favorite piece of music was said to be Barber’s Adagio for Strings,” which was played at her televised funeral. It was reported that the amount of people who witnessed Princess Diana’s funeral in September 1997, at which her close gay friend Elton John performed, at the royal family’s request, numbered in the billions! Look at what influence to popular music The Beatles has had on the world. Their phenomenal success has to be credited in part to their gay manager, Brian Epstein. I even have some dirt on The Beatles themselves! And the next time you are at a public event and you have your hand over your heart singing “America the Beautiful” with the rest of the crowd, why don’t you nudge the person next to you and say, “I just love a good ol’ sapphist sing-along, don’t you?”

Speaking of closet queens, there were four politically-influential men whom the Gay Movement doesn’t even want to claim. They are Roy Cohn, J. Edgar Hoover, Joseph McCarthy and Francis Cardinal Spellman. They were “running ho’s,” my slang term for pals, buddies, compadres, friends who hang out together. They loved getting dirt on people and using it against them, and they were so anti-gay, despite the fact that they were big ol’ queens themselves. Can we talk here? Now, you know that I’m not one to gossip, but… J. Edgar Hoover had to have been gay! Look at the evidence. He and his constant companion, Clyde Tolson, both lifetime bachelors (at least neither ever got married to women), had a very close “relationship” for 44 years! And who would you leave your half-million dollar estate to when you die, if not your spouse or lover?

How dare that Senator Joe McCarthy go about ruining all those innocent people’s lives and careers and besmirching their reputations by intimating that they were Communists and/or homosexuals, when he and his partner-in-crime Roy Cohn were probably getting it on with each other themselves! Why should anybody’s political affiliation be their personal concern anyway? Might there be a connection that McCarthy died in 1957 of “acute hepatitis, cause unknown” and Cohn of AIDS in 1986, both which are usually sex-related conditions?

And what about “Sister Mary” Francis Spellman? A 1985 biography asserted that the Cardinal was a practicing homosexual and his sexual conduct was the source of much embarrassment to his fellow clergy. But he always came to the aid of his pals Hoover and McCarthy whenever they were under attack. La cage aux folles. You know, birds of a feather flock together. He publicly supported the Vietnam “War,” and anyone who opposed it was labeled a “commie.” It is people like them who need to be outed. For a shocking disclosure of some gay Popes, check out my blog, A Critique of Catholicism.

What follows is an additional list of gay, sapphist and bisexual actors and other show biz folk, past and present, not mentioned previously, of whom there is some pre-ordained, personal knowledge or merely rumor of their queerdom. I don’t apologize for outing anyone, because somebody apparently beat me to it. You, however, may not be aware of some of these. They are: Clay Aiken, Chad Allen, Peter Allen, Mitchell Anderson, Harry Andrews, Jillian Armenante, Alexis Arquette, Dorothy Arzner, William Atherton, Mark Baker, Paris Barclay, Javier Bardem, John Barrowman, Roger Bart, Lance Bass, Alan Bates, Byron Batt, Meredith Baxter. Amanda Bearse, Michael Beck, Maria Bello, Polly Bergen, Sandra Bernhard, Nate Berkus, Jorge Bolet, Matt Bomer, Chaz Bono, Christian Borle, David Dean Bottrell, David Bowie, Jeffrey Bowyer-Chapman, Wayne Brady, Marlon Brando, Kenneth Branagh, Da Brat, Patrick Breen, Patrick Bristow, Bill Brochtrup, Jim J Bullock, Victor Buono, Richard Burton, Charles Busch, Dan Butler, Spring Byington, Mario Cantone, Capucine, Jerrod Carmichael, Pat Carroll, Gabrielle Carteris, Sam Champion, Tracy Chapman, RuPaul Charles, Margaret Cho, Robert Christian, Montgomery Clift, Kate Clinton, James Coco, Chris Coffer, Frederick Combs, Sean Combs, Anderson Cooper, Gary Cooper, Laverne Cox, Quentin Crisp, Darren Criss, Richard Cromwell, Wilson Cruz, George Cukor, Alan Cumming, Dan Dailey, Matt Dallas, James Daly, Lee Daniels, Jaye Davidson, Brad Davis, Adriana DeBose, Robin DeJesus, Lea Delaria, Dom DeLuise, Sandy Dennis, Portia DeRossi, André DeShields, Billy DeWolfe, Sergei Diaghilev, Guillermo Diaz, Divine, Jason Dottley, Val Dufour, Blake Edwards, Billy Eichner, John “Lypsinka” Epperson, Melissa Etheridge, Rupert Everett, David Faustino, Fortune Feimster, Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Harvey Fierstein, Errol Flynn, Jodie Foster, Virgil Fox, Peter Frechette, Jonathan Freeman, Leonard Frey, Robert Gant, Victor Garber, Greta Garbo, Willie Garson, Anthony Geary, Kirk Geiger, Boy George, Richard Gere, Malcolm Gets, Frank Gifford, Allan Glaser, Ron Glass, John Glover, Marga Gomez, Farley Granger, Al Green, Michael Greer, Tyler Gregory, Tim Gunn, William Haines, Todrick Hall, Harry Hamlin, Herbie Hancock, Neil Patrick Harris, Randy Harrison, Laurence Harvey, Gary Hayes, Charlton Heston, Edward Hibbert, Maurice Hines, Geoffrey Holder, Earl Holliman, Vladimir Horowitz, Edward Everett Horton, Rock Hudson, Barry Humphries, Pat Humphries, Linda H(r)unt, Janis Ian, Mark Indelicato, Cheyenne Jackson, Michael Jackson, Derek Jacobi, Mick Jagger, Michael Jeter, Geri Jewell, Van Johnson, Cherry Jones, Janis Joplin, Keith Jordan, Leslie Jordan, Kurt Kaszner, Phillip P. Keene, Paula Kelly, Gus Kenworthy, Larry Kert, Joel Kim, T.R. Knight, Carson Kressley, Nathan Lane, k.d. lang, Darrell Larson, Queen Latifah, Robert LaTourneaux, Rex Lee, Jack Lemmon, John Lennon, James Levine, Liberace, Greg Louganis, Charles Ludlam, Jane Lynch, Paul Lynde, Jackie “Moms” Mabley, James Macarthur, Madonna, George Maharis, John Mahoney, Barry Manilow, Alec Mapa, Ricky Martin, Steve Martin, Heather Matarazzo, Johnny Mathis, Kerwin Matthews, Ross Matthews, Kevin McCarthy, Roddy McDowall, Kelly McGillis, Sir Ian “Sirina” McKellan, Kristy McNichol, Steve McQueen (the actor), Lauritz Melchoir, George Michael, Wentworth Miller, Sal Mineo, Elvis Mitchell, John Cameron Mitchell, Dimitri Mitropoulos, Robert Moore, Jim Nabors, George Nader, Neicy Nash-Betts, Kenneth Nelson, Paul Newman, Olivia Newton-John, Vaslav Nijinsky, Cynthia Nixon, Graham Norton, Ramon Novarro, Rudolf Nureyev, Laura Nyro, Rosie O’Donnell, Tatum O’Neal, Ken Page, Peter Paige, Franklin Pangborn, Jim Parsons, Dolly Parton, Sarah Paulson, Charles Perez, Brock Peters, Walter Pidgeon, Charles Pierce, David Hyde Pierce, Jada Pinkett, Danny Pintauro, Jon Polito, Albert Popwell, Billy Porter, Tyrone Power, Keith Prentice, Zachary Quinto, Ma Rainey, Andrew Rannells, Raven-Symone, Sir Michael Redgrave, Rex Reed, Christopher Reeve, Charles Nelson Reilly, Paul Reubens, Lionel Richie, Frank Ripploh, Robin Roberts, Jai Rodriguez, Howard Rollins Jr., Cesar Romero, George Rose, Richard Roundtree, Adamo Ruggiero, Nico Santos, Thomas Schippers, John Schlesinger, Maria Schneider, Christopher Seiber, Tom Selleck, Reid Shelton, Don Shirley, Nina Simone, Christian Siriano, Jojo Siwa, Bessie Smith, Jaden Smith, Will Smith, Kevin Spacey, Stephen Spinella, Ringo Starr, Darryl Stephens, Raymond St. Jacques, Wanda Sykes, Holland Taylor, Sister Rosetta Tharp, Roy Thinnes, Michael Tilson Thomas, Scott Thompson, Lily Tomlin, Yanic Truesdale, Thomas Tryon, Michael Urie, Rudolf Valentino, Gus Van Sant, Conrad Veidt, Tom Villard, Robert Wagner, Lena Waithe, Fred Ward, William Warfield, Isaiah Washington, Ethel Waters, John Waters, Tuc Watkins, Clifton Webb, Alan Weeks, Alexis Weissenberg, Suzanne Westenhoefer, Danny Williams, Karen Williams, Paul Winfield, B.D. Wong, Pedro Zamora, and of course, all of the contestants who have appeared on every season of “RuPaul’s Drag Race.” You may be surprised by some the names on the list?

You must be aware by now that there seems to be a strong connection between homosexual identity and artistic temperament. I don’t think it’s any accident that so many artists, musicians, performers and writers also happen to be gay. Creative art does require a certain amount of sensitivity and self-discipline, character traits which gay people seem to have more of than your average straights. In the case of your closet gays who lead a double life, that in itself requires great self-discipline and restraint. Concert pianist extraordinaire Vladimir Horowitz once said, “There are three kinds of pianists: Jewish pianists, homosexual pianists, and bad pianists.” Horowitz was in no way a bad one.

So the next time you encounter someone who wishes “Death to all homosexuals!” tell them to make sure that they have gotten positive heterosexual clearance on all their relatives and friends, their father and mother, their husband or wife, their sons and daughters, their employer who pays their salary, some benefactor who paid for their education or supports their livelihood, the law enforcers who protect them and their family, everybody near and dear to them, before they pass such a sentence. I don’t see how anyone could make such an unreasonable and hateful pronouncement anyway. They are saying that it doesn’t matter who you are or what significant contribution you have made to humankind—if you are in any way gay, you must be put to death, no exceptions. There are some dangerously sick people in the world.

Pick any profession or walk-of-life and there will be a gay person, past or present, that is or was involved with it, I guarantee it. The point of all this has been to make you aware of the fact that every aspect of our culture, religious, political and social amenities are touched or influenced by gays. I’ve shown you geographical locations and even whole countries that were created by or named in honor of certain gay people. The homosexual is a vital, very important and necessary commodity of our society, whether you would like to admit it or not.

Since homos are even mentioned in the Bible, as we have discovered, we must have been around for a long time, probably for as long as there have been people in the world, and we will continue to exist until the end of it, I’m sure. You homophobes need to deal with that fact and just get over yourselves. If you are shocked or surprised or dismayed in discovering that certain beloved individuals are, were or could be gay, then that’s good. Maybe that knowledge will change your previous attitude. It just goes to show you that we are so prevalent, it’s very difficult to avoid us all.

I said right from jumpstreet that we are virtually everywhere. Of course, some of the aforementioned outings are pure speculation, rumor and hearsay, but I would love for all of it to be true. I don’t have first-hand proof on everyone mentioned in this treatise, as I didn’t or don’t know them personally, but there are some that I do know about for sure. As Tallulah Bankhead allegedly replied, when once asked if Randolph Scott was really gay—“I’m sure I don’t know, Dahling. He’s never sucked my cock!”

[Related articles: Celebrity Anecdotes and Other Fun Stuff; Conspiracy Theory, Pt. II–The AIDS Epidemic; Gay Pride and Homophobia; Sexism and Gender Issues; Jesus H. Christ; Marry, Marry, Quite Contrary; My Non-Combat Tour-of-Duty; On Being Gay; On the Road With Cliff; Parenting 101; School Days]

Gay Pride and Homophobia

Homophobia, the fear or dislike of gays and homosexuality, is not really a straight thing, as some people might think. In fact, I have concluded that your larger number of homophobes are not the straights at all, but the homosexuals themselves. I expect that there are more closet cases and latent queers in the world than there are real straights who are antigay, and they are the ones who perpetuate homophobic attitudes. For the straights who don’t like queers, it’s more a case of bigotry or mere ignorance on their part than homophobia.

Well-adjusted heteros, who are secure in their own sexual orientation, have no reason to fear or dislike the queers. We’re no threat to them. It’s the hypocritical, insecure gays (and that includes your fag bashers) who, because of their self-loathing and hatred and fear of themselves, use straight society’s persecution tactics to hide behind and to justify their latency. They come up with reasons why it’s better to play it straight than be true to themselves. That’s homophobia.

If being gay means a life of misery, unhappiness and lonely, unfulfilled relationships, then that must mean that all heterosexuals’ lives are uncomplicated with happy, perfect relationships. But we all know that there are many lonely, miserable, straight people in the world. Our life is what we make it, and although it may be influenced by our sexual orientation, it certainly is not defined or destined by it. And how can they be truly happy when trying to be what they are not?

Consider that the concept of gay pride is synonymous with self-respect. How do you expect to be accepted for being gay if you don’t even admit it to yourself? Just tell people, “This is who I am. Now deal with it.” These closet gays won’t come out to their families because “they don’t need to know that about me” or the fear that they will be ostracized or disowned. “I’m afraid that my parents won’t love me if I tell them that I am gay.“ That’s homophobia. Of course, it could and does happen, but I think that it’s worth the risk. I think that they do need to know that about you. Unenlightened parents need a period of adjustment themselves. You should realize that sometimes it’s just as hard for them as it was for you. But trust them enough to know that they will come around eventually to acceptance, just as you did, if you give them the chance.

Coming out to people close to you might initiate a discussion for understanding. The reason they have these negative opinions about gays is because nobody close to them has ever taken the time to tell them anything different. As long as it’s “someone else’s problem,” they don’t have to be concerned about it. You are doing each other a favor by educating them. They just might not hate all faggots and dykes if their own loving son or daughter is one.

Distraught parents of gay teenagers have been known to send them into therapy in the hope that the psychologists and psychiatrists will make the kids realize that they are not really gay but only going through a phase, when the parents should be the ones in counseling to address their own homophobia and lack of education. “We love you, son, that’s why we are trying to help you.“ Well, if you loved him, you would accept him as he is and not try to make him be something that you yourself can feel comfortable about. “Son, you are sick! You need help,“ is said as a disgusted accusation. So if he is “sick,” why are you so angry with him? Would they say the same thing if the kid had cancer or diabetes? He is still sick and needs help, but I don’t think Dad would blame him and consider that particular illness his own fault.

The youngsters aren’t the ones with the problem, necessarily. The problem lies with the parents and those who are being rejecting and non-supportive and absolutely clueless as to what being gay is all about. Instead of trying to get their sons and daughters to change into somebody they’re not, just to please their families, these parents should join a support group like P-FLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) to learn about gay tolerance and acceptance.

Many gay teens have been disowned by the very people who are supposed to love and care for them unconditionally. How responsible is the parent who would willfully kick their own child out of the house just because they learned that the kid is gay? One mother beat her son with a baseball bat and told him that homosexuality is a sin. Uh, I think that beating your own child with a bat is what is sinful, bitch! “Get out of my house, Timmy. You’re going to burn in hell!” So where does a person who disowns their innocent, loving child think they are going after death? “Well, I’ll see you there, Mom!”

There is a common adage in Latino cultures that affirms, “Es mejor ser ladron que un maricon—It’s better to be a thief than a faggot.” They would prefer their child to be a criminal rather than be gay. Then these poor, homeless kids actually do turn to crime and prostitution in order to survive, and many don’t have the strength or resourcefulness to cut it out there in the world alone and end up being murdered or killing themselves instead.

Some closeted gays won’t tell their buddies because they don’t want to lose them as a friend. Another cop out. If they are a true friend, then that shouldn’t matter, should it? And if someone throws you down over a little thing like that, then they aren’t too much of a friend anyway. Wouldn’t you rather find out now so that you won’t have to waste your time with such a person? I don’t want someone to like me for who they think I am or who they would like me to be rather than for who I really am. Then there are the ones who tell you that they can’t come out at work because they are afraid of losing their jobs. Big cop out! I don’t buy any of these excuses. No job should be that important that you should sacrifice your integrity and true self. There are always other and better jobs.

Consider the situation from both sides for a moment. If someone actually fired you because they found out that you were gay, why would you want to be associated with somebody that petty, bigoted and narrow-minded anyway? Wouldn’t you rather work where you can be comfortable with yourself and not have to lie to everybody? On the other hand, as an employer, I would like to know if those working for me were gay or not. If a person willfully conceals their very identity from you, how can you trust them completely? What I am saying is that to know someone’s sexual orientation should not matter to you. Of course, it should not even be an issue in the workplace, or anywhere else for that matter, but since it is, let’s try to do something about it.

Heterosexual employees should know who their gay co-workers are just like the gay employees should know who is straight. If anything, once they get past their perceived bigotry, it should make for better working relationships. There are certain things that I would say to a gay person that I would not to a straight person, and vice versa. A sapphist would not be subjected to unwelcome advances and come-ons by the guys in the office, because they would know right offhand that they don’t have a chance with her. Your co-workers would not always be trying to fix you up with their straight friends if they know that you already have a same-sex lover at home. If their attempts to hook up with you are consistently turned down, they are going to suspect something about you anyway. So you might as well tell them the truth about yourself.

Some incidents of perceived sexual harassment might be excused if you know where people’s interests lie. If a male co-worker, who is gay, greets a woman regularly with, “Ooh, girl, you are working that outfit today, and those shoes are fierce!” she would not take that comment the same as if a lecherous, straight guy often tells her, “Hey, Sweet Thang! You sure are looking yummy today. Good enough to eat. Can I have some of that?”

Considering how many gays there are in the workforce, these bosses wouldn’t dare fire everybody! Who will be left to work for them? These closeted gays should have more confidence in themselves and their abilities and worth, and faith in their employers, for that matter. For example, openly-gay Hollywood mogul David Geffen has many gay people working in his company, but some still choose to remain in the closet out of shame and their own homophobia, not for fear of losing their jobs for being gay.

You know, the whole problem of being found out can be avoided if people are open and honest right from the beginning, at the time they take the new job. One doesn’t need to volunteer the information–they should be able to figure it out on their own–but if asked, they should admit it. I hate that tired old, hypocritical excuse by the Government that wants to deny employment to closeted gays for certain high-ranking positions because they are a “security risk” and “subject to blackmail.” Well, that’s the very reason to have one’s gayness out in the open! How can they be blackmailed if there is nothing that they consider scandalous to reveal about them? Since I, myself, am not part of the office workforce, I don’t know how things really are today. But I don’t think that anybody (or most anyway) even cares anymore about who is gay or not, so that type of discrimination does not fly anymore. If one chooses to hide their being gay, that’s their own hangup. Don’t try to blame your reason for secrecy on others.

In case you don’t know or have not read my detailed account about them, The Flirtations [1986-1996], was the first and only, at the time, openly-gay acappella singing group, and everyone who came to any of our shows would become aware of that fact, if they didn’t know beforehand. We played to many straight audiences as well as gay ones and received many comments and letters from our het fans, telling us that they didn’t know much about gays or our lifestyle before, but after seeing us and getting to know us, it has made them more accepting and appreciative of gay people in general. We were accredited pioneers of the Gay Revolution of the 1990s.

One of our regular bits in our shows was to out certain members of our audience–not the gays, mind you, but the straights! We’d turn the tables on them by asking, “Are there any straight people here? Raise your hands! Come out, let’s see who you are.” There was hesitation at first, audience members looking around to see if there were any others like themselves there. When they were called out like that and learned that they were usually in the minority, they became very self-conscious and it began to sink in how we gays must feel in a similar situation. “What, are you ashamed to admit that you are straight?” Yes, the heterosexuals had a new attitude after attending one of our shows.

A sapphist-run boutique in Northampton, Mass., I suppose as an experiment, once offered a discount special for all sapphist shoppers. To take advantage of the 20% discount, all a woman had to do was admit that she is a sapphist. One apparently homophobic woman (I’m not saying that she was straight) approached the cashier with her purchases and was informed that a “lesbian” discount was in effect. “Are you a lesbian?” The poor woman gasped, clutched her pearls, stammered, “Well, I…uh…” “20% off! Are you a lesbian?” There was nobody else in the store. No witnesses. Who would know? Still she wouldn’t bring herself to say that she was a sapphist, as if that were the worst possible thing in the world that she could call herself. I wonder if no charge to her at all would have decided her. My mother told me that she would have done it. Hell, I would be a sapphist to get a discount!

A woman went to her gynecologist complaining about some green circles on the inner sides of both of her thighs. After examining her, the doctor asked, “Are you a sapphist?” The patient replied, “Uh, no, I’m not.” “Well, okay then. Apply this ointment as directed and come back to see me in a week.” A week later the woman returned to the doctor and upon examination found the green circles still to be present in the same place. The doctor asked her again, “Come on now, are you a sapphist?” The woman hesitated, then finally answered, “Well…I wasn’t honest with you before, Doctor. Okay, I admit it. I am a sapphist. But why do you ask?” The doctor replied, “Well, that explains your problem. Tell your girlfriend that those earrings of hers are not made of real gold.” Think about it.

We can go for long periods of time, years in many cases, leading a perfectly carefree existence, playing the game, doing what’s expected of us and what’s acceptable to the society in which we live. What happens, though, sometimes, when we finally decide to come clean and divulge little secrets about ourselves and/or others, things that still may be objectionable to some? There are certain aspects of our individual identities that we are not responsible for. They are our gender, our age, our ethnic origin and our sexual orientation. The first three are rather discernible in most cases, however there are exceptions, but the last aspect is not always so apparent. In the case of a gay person coming out to co-workers and other acquaintances, and even to family members and so-called loved ones, the onus of the revelation seems to be always on the confessor rather than the ones receiving this new “shocking” information.

What I mean is, like when a closeted gay man or a sapphist finally decides, after a long while, to stop lying to the people they care about, it is most often the gay person who is required to make all the adjustments. What has changed for that person? They are exactly the same person they were before they said anything and are not doing anything different. But now they are rejected, reviled, dismissed from their job, kicked out of their apartment, and have their children taken away from them. Why should their life have to change so drastically? If you don’t like working alongside a homosexual, living with or near one, having them teach your children, then why don’t you find another job where there aren’t any? Why don’t you move to another building where there aren’t any? Why don’t you send your children to a school that is absolutely queer-free? You make the necessary sacrifices, since you are the one with the problem. Why do we have to be the ones always to make the concessions and do all the compromising? It’s not we who need to change for society’s sake. It’s the homophobes who need to get their minds fixed.

The TV series “The Commish,” “Law and Order” and “NYPD Blue” have all done episodes with storylines about gay cops who were deliberately abandoned by their fellow officers while on duty during an arrest. The ironic absurdity and hypocrisy of their rationale is that the homophobic straight cops argued that the gay guys could not be depended upon to do their job when a dangerous situation occurred, when it was they who turned their backs on their gay partners and denied them proper backup when they needed help.

Of course, those old shows and episodes are quite outdated now. There is a new positive attitude towards gay characters on current shows. In addition to gay police officers, we now have openly-gay fire fighters and EMT workers, doctors, lawyers, elementary schoolteachers, every other occupation, and nobody gives a damn.

Look at the opposition that Dr. Tom Waddell faced from the U.S. Olympic Committee, when he tried to establish the Gay Olympics in 1982, their claiming that they had exclusive use of the word “Olympics” and that he was infringing upon their copyright. Of course, this was a bogus reason for the injunction, because there were already more than a dozen other Olympics, including the Special Olympics, the Police Olympics, the Armenian Olympics, the Eskimo Olympics, the Rat Olympics, and even the Crab-Cooking (!) Olympics, but the Committee just would not accept the Gay Olympics, and we eventually had to settle for “Gay Games.” Clearly a case of unjustified, homophobic bigotry. So what else is new?

What’s even more ironic about it is that the original Olympic Games (held from 776 B.C. to 388 A.D.) were made up almost entirely of gay athletes! Homosexuality during that time in Greece was neither looked down upon with disapproval nor otherwise ignored. In fact, it was freely encouraged. Virgins were forbidden any male contact until they married, therefore the men were all off-limits to them. Furthermore, the participants of the Games were the best-looking, most physically-fit men in the kingdom, so of course, they all had the hots for each other! Okay, you have these hot, horny, virile young jocks, all romping around together naked, with no access to any women. Now, what do you think they were doing with each other? It’s no different in other similar situations—prisons, boys’ schools, seminaries, Navy and pirate ships. Hello?!

Oh, yes, the Games were performed completely in the nude, by the way. The early Games was a religious event, you see, and the athletes were required to wear the “uniform of the gods” while competing. When the Olympics resumed 1508 years later, in 1896, of course, times had changed. But we seem now to have come full circle. I’m sure that there are still people who think that gay athletes are a novelty, though. 1994’s Gay Games IV brought in more than 11,500 participants from 44 countries. (I don’t have the latest statistics.) There were even several world records made and broken, as there have been every time. I think that an event of this magnitude should be taken seriously and given the same attention, funding, coverage and respect by the mainstream media as the other Olympics events. So, all you opinionated blowhards, know some history or at least something about your subject before you go spouting off your mouth about it.

I want to talk more about gays serving in the Armed Forces and why we are considered such a threat to the established status quo. So some of you straight men don’t want us in there, sharing barracks space with you and, God forbid, have to take showers with us? What, are you afraid that we might do to you what you have been doing to women for all times?! First of all, don’t flatter yourselves. We probably don’t want you anyway. We don’t normally prey on straight guys. With us, it has to be consensual. And unlike you, we are able to restrain ourselves. These het homophobes are directing their hate and distrust on the wrong people. They had better check out themselves and others like them.

Let’s take a look at the Navy’s Tailhook Scandal of 1991, when several female officers were sexually assaulted and harassed by their fellow male officers during a rowdy party. It was next to impossible for the Navy to bring charges against their own personnel. I mean, this was a traditional “guy thing,” you see. “So the men felt up you women’s asses and breasts a little bit. No reason for you to get all upset about it. Why do you want to make waves and cause trouble? After all, boys will be boys, heh heh heh.” Okay, Admiral, if that’s the way you feel about it, then you shouldn’t mind, do you, if the gay guys in your unit come on to the straight guys and feel them up in the shower? It’s a traditional “gay thing.” No reason for them to get all upset about it. Why do they want to make waves and cause trouble? After all, faggots will be faggots, heh heh heh (who are boys, too, aren’t they?). Yeah, let’s see how lenient and understanding the Navy Brass is about that!

Of course, this Navy atrocity is only one such incident. There are thousands of reported cases every year of female rape that occur in every branch of the military, and nobody is doing anything about it. Just like most every organized society, the Armed Forces is still a male-dominated structure, and if they could have their way, many of the men would like it to be exclusively male. But with more and more women taking an active part in the military and the corporate workforce in general, there is a great power struggle going on, and these chauvinistic, misogynistic men feel very threatened by this new crop of highly-qualified, confident women. They feel that the women need to be tamed, as it were, you know, cut down to size. “What that bitch needs is my dick up in her! That’ll make her behave!”

Of course, there are exceptions, like gay child molesters, but with them, women are not their targets. Your average sex offenders are more often heterosexual and misogynistic males. It’s insecure straight men that have little or no respect for women, not gay men. They are the ones who exploit, harass and degrade women, put out anti-feminist rap records, whistle and make catcalls (excuse me, I mean “mancalls”) and obscene gestures at them, grope their asses and crotches, try to control them and exert their power by seducing them into unwelcome submission, are guilty of stalking, cyber- and otherwise, send them phone pics of their dick, even when she didn’t ask to see it, beat up on them, commit rape, sometimes causing unwanted pregnancies, and sexually abuse others’ children as well as their own.

I, and every gay person I know, have never done any of those things. So why is it always we gay men who get the bad rep? We certainly have more respect for other people’s sexual orientation, and humanity in general, women included, than the male hets apparently have. The irony is that there is always this unwarranted hoopla of trying to keep the often celibate gay men and women (and now transgender individuals are being targeted) who haven’t done anything to anybody, out of the military, when they should be more concerned about keeping all those rapists and women abusers out instead? And they are so worried about us gays looking at their tired butts in the shower? How dare they! Such hypocrisy!

I love this next account. In the award-winning documentary Before Stonewall (1984) a woman is interviewed who served in the WACs (Women’s Army Corps) during the ‘60s. She relates that her particular unit alone was 98% sapphists. So one day her superior officer, a man, came to her and told her that he had gotten wind that there were some gay women among the ranks and requested that she compile a list of the suspected offenders. The woman let this man know right away that she would be at the top of the list and the name of his trusted secretary and confidante would be right below hers. She went on to ask him if he was willing to replace all his clerks, technicians, medical personnel, virtually the entire unit, who were the most efficient, competent, loyal people that he has ever known and were regularly cited and commended for their outstanding meritorial service, sure, she would make him up the list for him. He thought about it and then said, “Uh, never mind. Forget the list.”

It appears that physical as well as verbal gay-bashing is the last frontier of socially-accepted injustice. Whenever any other social group comes up against public negativity, it is met with moral outrage and support. But it’s still open season on queers. People are made to feel that they can say and do anything to us without receiving any peer recrimination, because, in most cases, they don’t.

The self-loathing homophobic gays do more disservice to our cause than help it. By not coming forward and speaking up, they give credence to the bad things said about us. If someone makes a disparaging remark about gays, they won’t defend it because people will think that they must be gay, too, or accused of being a sympathizer or of guilt by association. Well, so what if they do think that? Make a stand, share the stigma! American slavery probably never would have ended if the abolitionists were not willing to allow themselves to be called race traitors and “nigger-lovers” all the time.

There is a disturbing scene in Armistead Maupin’s Further Tales of the City, when the main gay character, Michael, and his straight friend and housemate, Brian, are attacked on the street by some young fag bashers. While Michael is being beaten himself, he tells the thugs who are pummeling Brian, “But he’s not gay!” So they should leave Brian alone and beat up only on the real faggot, then? How is that for self-hate, as if he is getting what he deserves? It’s all about perception. If you’re hanging out with a known faggot, then you must be, too, so expect to be treated accordingly. As RuPaul says at the end of all his shows, “If you don’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an amen up in here?”

(# …Oh, we’ll have fun, fun, fun… #)
(# …Ain’t we got fun!… #)
“Aw, come on, we’re just having a little fun!” Some males have some misguided ideas about what fun is. It doesn’t matter who is hurt or inconvenienced, as long as they get their kicks. It’s “fun” to get stinking, fallen-down drunk, until you pass out or until you kill somebody while driving. It’s “fun” to gamble and squander your family’s life savings away. It’s “fun” to bully, harass, deride and humiliate your peers. It’s “fun” to hunt and kill innocent animals. It’s “fun” to lynch other humans and burn people’s houses and churches down. It’s “fun” to degrade, molest and sexually assault women against their will. It’s great “fun” to stalk, beat up, and even kill, queers. These guys think that they can do anything they want to and get away with it, all in the name of Fun.

My own idea of fun is when I am making music or doing something creative. Being a performer and entertainer and making people happy is fun, and to be entertained myself. It’s fun to exercise my brain cells with puzzles and games and to engage in stimulating conversation. Learning is fun. Sex is fun. To me, fun is receiving personal pleasure without inflicting pain or suffering on other people.

Until just very recently, most leading men in films and TV as well as on the stage, especially if they were gay, would not portray a gay character, due to their own homophobia. When a good gay role does come along, who almost always gets it?–a straight actor. Most closeted gay actors don’t like to play gay characters, because the people who know about them will conjecture, “He’s not really acting, you know. He’s just playing himself.” I say, so what? I consider that an asset. A gay actor would have the proper insight to portray a gay character. I will use my racial analogy. “That guy portraying Nelson Mandela is not really acting, you know. He really is black.” You never hear that said about straight actors, of course. “You realize, don’t you, that Bruce Willis is not acting in that love scene. He really does like women, you know.”

A case in point. I like Tom Hanks most of the time, but his portrayal of a gay lawyer in Philadelphia (1993) left me rather underwhelmed. I don’t think that he deserved the Oscar, because in the whole movie he never convinced me that he was really gay. We knew only because we were told that he was. They shouldn’t have to tell us. Even when a straight actor plays gay, we should know it without him saying so. They can convey it in other ways. And most do succeed in that respect. Two good examples are Robert Downey Jr. and Robin Williams. Their gay characters are/were always convincing. I have pegged gay characters on film even before they are revealed to us. ’He’s a faggot!’ ’I’ll just bet you that one there is gay.’ I can tell when someone is pregnant, too.

But back to Tom Hanks for a moment. There is a scene in Philadelphia where Tom’s character is explaining an opera aria, playing in the background, to his defense lawyer Denzel Washington. It is quite a dramatic and poignant scene, which a real die-hard, gay opera queen would have done a lot more with than Tom gave it. The fervor and passion just wasn’t there, I’m sorry, Tom. Perhaps the fact that the director, Jonathan Demme, was also straight, he didn’t know enough himself to direct the scene properly. Was Tom afraid that the gays would object to his being campy? Come on, we camp! Especially when we are alone or with our own kind. We won’t be offended. You are just being real. He doesn’t have to flame exactly, but give us something! Tom and his costar, Antonio Banderas, did not even convince me that they were lovers.
They never kissed or embraced. I read the novelization of the film and liked it better than the movie. In the book the two guys’ relationship was quite apparent, and I couldn’t even see them!

Who actually believes that any actor is in reality every role that he portrays? So an actor who plays a wife beater, rapist or mad slasher in a film must really be one, right? Are all those actors who have appeared in drag in the movies really closet drag queens in real life? It seems that these closeted actors would rather be perceived to be women-hating serial killers than have their public think that they are gay.

After I learned that Rock Hudson was gay, for instance, it doesn’t bother me that he played all those heterosexual characters in the movies, just like it apparently doesn’t bother most people that openly-sapphist Amanda Bearse and openly-gay actors Dan Butler and Neil Patrick Harris play het characters on TV sitcoms. Come on, give us some credit. It’s not the moviegoers that give a hoot about an actor’s sexuality. It’s those pathologically-paranoid producers, directors, executives, agents and the actors themselves who are so homophobic.

The late Elizabeth Taylor once said on TV that it’s so ironic that (in her day) there is so much homophobia in the film industry, because without the gays, there would be no Hollywood! It’s so true. And Sister knew, major fag hag that she was. It’s a shame, though, that gay actors are even more uptight than the straight ones. At least we have/had secure enough gay, sapphist and bisexual actors who ignored imagined public opinion to play a variety of interesting gay characters on stage and screen. Consult my blog, Let’s Have an Outing for the full list.

Some parents, upon learning of their child’s queerdom, expect them to change for the parents’ benefit. A stubborn mother tells her confused teenager, “You will have to do something about this, because I simply will not have a gay son.” That sounds like an ultimatum. So the boy kills himself. His suicide note to his mother reads, “Mom, you told me that you will not have a gay son. So now you don’t. Are you happy now?” Be careful what you wish for. You just may get it. How can you change one’s inner being, and why should you? Did that mother actually think that by giving her son a choice, he would honor her wishes by choosing not to be gay? Now realizing that she is responsible for her son’s death, only then does she seek therapy, which she should have done in the first place. There was nothing wrong with the boy. It’s his mother who has the problem.

When a study group of confused, self-loathing gay youngsters were asked, “If there were a pill that you could take that would make you straight, would you take it?” they all raised their hands. When asked why, they agreed that they don’t like society’s regard and treatment of them and would prefer to be like “everybody else.” Everybody else? But everybody is not straight. Who specifically do you want to be like? My argument would be, Why should I change my very being just to gain Society’s acceptance of me? You’ll never please everybody anyway. I will use my race analogy again. If there were a pill to make me white, I wouldn’t take it either. Why don’t they make this pill for the homophobes and racial bigots that would change their feelings toward gay people and others and cure them into sexual and racial tolerance and acceptance? They are the real sickos in the world, not us gays.

The fact of the matter is, you cannot change a person’s sexual identity. We are what we are. We can only change our behavior, if need be. Just because a few of my gay friends don’t have sex with men anymore, it doesn’t mean that they are no longer gay. Throughout the history of the world, there have been homosexuals, and despite that social inconvenience afforded us, we always have managed to succeed in our particular lives and careers. Our being gay has never stopped us from excelling. The previously-mentioned other blog illustrates the point.

Parents could look at the situation in another way. Having a gay teenager is not any worse than having a straight one in many cases. Parents with boy-crazy girls tend to be over-protective and are always worried about them getting themselves knocked up or about their boys getting some girl pregnant. Gay teens don’t have that particular concern. Those parents should consider that a blessing. I suspect that their feigned concern has more to do with future grandchildren, which is a selfish attitude. Just like their choosing to have children in the first place is a selfish act, they then want their children to have more children for them, or why would they care whether their kids had children or not? Even with their childless married children, you hear all the time, “When are you going to make us grandparents?” Why is it all about you? I would hope that they would prefer their sons and daughters, if they do decide to have children, to have them with someone they really love—even if it is with a same-sex partner—than to have them with anybody, just to please their parents.

Of course, these parents of gay kids will say that their concern stems from how “Society” treats gay people, and they don’t want them to have to go through that. Well, if acceptance of them begins there at home, then maybe they won’t have to “go through that!” Kids care more about how their own family and friends feel about them and how they are treated, rather than what “Society” at large thinks. We seldom make a personal life decision taking Society into consideration, but we often make life choices to get approval from our parents.

Some TV parents seem to be catching on, though. On “Rescue Me” star Denis Leary’s character, Tommy, is separated from his wife and with a teenaged daughter. He is understandably worried about boys sniffing around, since he is not there to look after her all the time. Well, Tommy was thrilled to no end one season when he found out that his daughter is a sapphist! Now he can rest easy.

On “The Secret Life of an American Teenager” the older of two teenaged sisters got pregnant and kept the baby. The younger daughter has a male fellow student as her best friend who is openly-gay and whom her parents like a lot. They don’t have to worry about him knocking her up, plus he frequently sides with them when the girl makes unwise decisions about her life.

On the short-lived “Committed,” Valerie Harper doesn’t like any of her son’s girlfriends. She bemoans, “Oh, why couldn’t you have been gay?!” I read that actor Tori Spelling prayed for a gay son. On the now-cancelled sitcom, “Sean Saves the World,“ Sean Hayes’ character is a gay (no surprise there), divorced man with a teenaged daughter. His mother, played by Linda Lavin, not only accepts her only son’s being gay (he is also out at work), she helps him with his love life and tries to set him up with dates with other guys.

On the sitcom “Mom,” the character of Anna Faris’ pregnant, teenaged daughter is thinking of putting up her baby for adoption after it’s born. “Violet” finds a gay male couple who want to adopt, but the baby daddy’s parents–judgmental, staunch fundamentalists–have also expressed interest in taking the child. Violet expresses her opinion. “I don’t want this baby to be raised by religious fanatics. I want him to be raised by homosexuals!“ Attagirl!

Let’s hope that other parents will finally come around to acceptable tolerance. A young, gay man called home and told his Jewish mother that he had decided to give up his gay lifestyle because he had met a wonderful woman and wanted to marry her. He told his mother that he thought that she would be happier, since he knew that his being gay had been very disturbing to her. She responded that she was indeed delighted and asked tentatively, “I suppose it would be too much to hope that your intended is Jewish?” He told her that not only is the girl Jewish, but is from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. The mother, overjoyed by this news, then asked, “What’s her name, son?” He answered, “Monica Lewinsky.” There is a long pause, then his mother asked, “Uh, Harold, what happened to that nice Catholic boy you were dating a while ago?”

[Related articles: Conspiracy Theory, Pt. II–The AIDS Epidemic and Other Medical Speculations; Sexism and Gender Issues; Jesus H. Christ; Let’s Have an Outing; Marry, Marry, Quite Contrary; On Being Gay; Parenting 101]

Crime and Punishment

Our American justice system is supposed to be based on the premise that everyone accused of a crime is innocent until proven guilty. If that were only the case. It’s really the exact opposite. The fact of the matter is that a person always is presumed guilty until proven innocent. If that weren’t how it is in reality, then people wouldn’t be arrested, detained in jail indefinitely, and required to stand trial in order to clear themselves. People go on trial in order to try to prove their innocence, not their guilt. We must be already presuming that they are guilty, or else they wouldn’t be there, would they?

People tend to make up their own minds about the accused anyway, regardless of their actual guilt or innocence or even the outcome of the trial. Look at the O.J. Simpson case, for example. As soon as the murders occurred and O.J. was arrested as the sole suspect, people were already saying that he was guilty. That early on when we knew next to nothing about the murders, my friends were telling me, “I know that he did it!” How do you know? I asked. You didn’t actually see him do it. The media and press pretty much agreed. They told us that he was guilty even before the trial began. Then even when the verdict came in “Not Guilty,” there are many of those who still think that he did it. So even though the trial supposedly proved his innocence, people are still upset about it, saying that he got away with murder and criticizing the jury for rendering the wrong verdict.

For the record, I am one who had, for the whole time, always maintained O.J.’s innocence, as I didn’t see him do it and I can’t prove that he did. But as time has passed, public opinion has swayed me to think that he probably is guilty. Although after viewing the recent TV miniseries “The People Vs. O.J. Simpson” (2016), which was a dramatic re-enactment of the entire case, I have come to the conclusion that the jury did render a fair verdict. I, too, have reasonable doubt about it.

The testimony, or rather lack thereof, of L.A. police officer Mark Fuhrman was a deciding factor, in my opinion. Fuhrman was put on the witness stand on two occasions. The first time he out and out lied when asked if he had ever used the N-word in the past year or so, but at the time they couldn‘t prove that he was lying. O.J.’s defense team later discovered from recorded evidence that Fuhrman had in fact uttered the word many times in his duties as a cop. So when he was put back on the stand the second time and asked the same question, so as not to commit further perjury, he refused to answer “on the grounds that it may incriminate me.” But to me, when somebody does that, they must be somehow guilty of the accusation or else they would answer, wouldn’t they? To keep from lying, just don’t answer the question. When Fuhrman then refused to answer any questions posed to him, including this one: “Is the L.A. police department guilty of planting or manipulating any evidence to frame Mr. Simpson?” by his not answering in the negative, he is saying, “Yeah, we did try to frame him.”

Then there was the matter of O.J.‘s blood found at the murder scene and whether it was planted there. The police had a full vial of his blood taken from him after his arrest. The person who had the blood sample took it with him to the crime scene, and later it was discovered that some of the blood from the vial was missing! When asked what happened to the missing blood, the reply was, “It must have spilled out somewhere.” Or it could have been poured out somewhere! If they were all so sure that O.J. had committed the murders, why would they need to plant evidence to help make their case? So it was the perjured and non-responsive testimony and tampered evidence that created the reasonable doubt. The jury had to come up with the Not Guilty verdict. That is how I would have voted.

My dissatisfaction with the whole thing, however, is, officially the case is still unsolved. The question still remains, if O.J. didn’t do it, then who did? The best way to clear a wrongly-accused defendant is to reveal the real culprit, or at least present other possible suspects, which during all that time they never did. Simpson’s own lawyer, Robert Shapiro, suggested that more than one knife were used in the killings and that there were more than one person involved. Even if O.J. is one of them, maybe he did not act alone. Since O.J. did serve nine years time in prison for another lesser offense, if he is in fact guilty of the murders, I think that justice eventually has been served. Do you know about O.J.’s previous web site: OJ/(slash)Nicole.com?

Why do so many murders go unsolved? Because they are not all properly investigated. And why is that? If the authorities don’t care enough about the victim, they won’t do much about it. How do serial killers manage to accomplish multiple murders before they are found out? You should check out my novella, Return of the Zodiac Killer (which can be found on this very blog site), where I illustrate how a person can get away with murder without expeditious discovery.

Why do many convicted murderers get acquitted? They get clever lawyers who know how to work around the system to their advantage. It depends on who the criminal is, who the victim is and how much money the defendant has to give to their lawyers. Truth, fairness and justice are only incidental. In this way, our judicial system is greatly flawed with many defects. It could be effective and virtually foolproof if everybody played fairly and always told the absolute truth. But there are those who constantly abuse and manipulate the system. Witnesses give false testimony, even intentionally lie under oath, and defendants are sometimes victims of mistaken identity. With all the plea-bargaining, loopholes and lawyers’ tricks that are used, criminals who have been proven guilty get off scot-free all the time, and innocent people are always being convicted, incarcerated and even executed.

I have heard people complain that our justice system is broken. But despite what I said a moment ago, maybe it’s not broken at all, in terms of efficiency. They can do anything they want to, in order to accomplish their goals. If they want to convict a person, regardless of their guilt or innocence, they can do it, and if they want to exonerate a person, regardless of guilt or innocence, they can do it.

A guy is on trial for murdering his wife. But even though he confessed, after a police officer found her corpse in the trunk of his car, he is acquitted because the cop had pulled him over without “probable cause,” therefore anything that was discovered after the fact is inadmissible. What?! So although everybody knows that he is guilty, he gets away with it. A lot depends on how rich or poor the client is. If one has enough money, they can buy any defense. Even corrupt judges have been paid off to render favorable verdicts.

I bring even the jury system itself into question. They always say that it’s a “jury of your peers,” but that’s another hypocritical lie! It’s hardly ever the case. A peer is defined as “one that is of equal standing with another; one belonging to the same societal group, based on age, grade or status.” If a poor black kid from the urban ghetto is on trial for something, and his jury is made up of upper-middle-class to rich, suburban, white folks, how are they this boy’s peers? He doesn’t have anything in common with those people, as far as his social status goes. How can they judge him fairly when they don’t know anything about his life or how he came to be in the situation he is in?

Not so long ago in the South, when juries were made up entirely of white men—some, if not all, of them belonged to the Klan—would be the ones passing judgment on some black person on trial, that is, if the poor bloke even made it to trial. There is only one way it could turn out. They never get people from the same neighborhood or income bracket as the defendant they’re hearing. They might be too sympathetic and unwilling to convict an actual peer. That would defeat their purpose, wouldn’t it? It turns out that they are really a jury of their peers, not the defendant’s. They become the object of “peer pressure” and are compelled or encouraged to go along with the consensus, even if one or more jurors want to vote Not Guilty. The available jury pool is vast and diverse. Jurors should be assigned according to who the defendant in each case is–that is, their actual peers, and then the lawyers can choose their jury from that special group.

Poor Rubin “Hurricane” Carter just couldn’t get a break. According to the movie The Hurricane (1999), starring Denzel Washington, Rubin was sent to juvenile jail for 10 years when he was only 11-years-old, for defending himself against an adult child molester, whom he stabbed with a knife to stop the man from throwing him over a cliff. He didn’t even kill the guy. But the white man pressed charges, and of course they took his word over the black boy’s. Then when Rubin got out of this prison and became a professional boxer, he again was wrongfully convicted of a triple murder this time and sentenced to life imprisonment! All the evidence against him was fabricated, as there was no real proof that he had done anything. After serving 30 years (!) he was granted another trial which cleared him of all charges, and he was finally set free. But that was 40 years of his life of wrongful incarceration! I find that utterly shameful.

Although the court system is not perfect, I would hate to be one of the mistakes in judgment, especially if my life depended upon it. Some juries have concluded that a defendant is guilty based solely on eyewitness testimony. I don’t consider that real proof in convicting somebody, especially when there is no other real evidence connecting them to the crime except that one person’s account. Circumstantial evidence is not always reliable or positive proof. Since they weren’t there, jury members tend to base their decision on what is learned during the trial. But suppose that witness is mistaken or intentionally lies about what went down? I wouldn’t want to be responsible for sending an innocent person to prison or to be executed.

In November 2013 (21-years-old at the time of conviction) Ryan Ferguson was cleared of murder after spending almost ten years in prison, after two witnesses finally admitted that they both lied on the witness stand when they accused Ferguson of the crime. And this was a young white man, too, from a nice, middle-class family. So it’s not only poor blacks who get the shaft. It can happen to anybody, it seems. Now suppose Ferguson had received the death penalty before he was exonerated?

There have been many unfortunates–too many, in my opinion–who were executed and then afterwards it was discovered and proved that the poor chaps were innocent. How can they convict, let alone, execute anybody based solely on unsubstantiated hearsay and supposition? That’s no real proof of anything. Did anybody actually see them do it, or did they confess?

I wish it were like the TV murder dramas where the real killer is revealed by the end by proving his guilt along with a confession. There would be no need for a trial then. Like TV’s “Murder, She Wrote,” for example (still in syndication), Jessica Fletcher discovers who the murderer is by the end of the episode, and with law enforcement present, they will proceed to admit that they are the killer and will tell them how and why they did it. I always want to tell them, ‘Why are y’all confessing to Jessica and telling her all your business? She ain’t nobody!’

Look at how much time and money is saved by doing that. But then the lawyers wouldn’t get their cut, would they? I realize that trials and the whole justice system is all a business. There is always bail, fines and court fees implemented. For all those involved, their very jobs and livelihood depend on arrests and convictions and “due process of the law,” regardless of the outcome. If there is no trial, then there is no show and less to no pay.

Here is something that always gives me pause. How can they convict someone of murder when they don’t have the body of the supposed murdered victim? They can’t find the body so the defendant must have killed him, right? That’s no real proof of anything, only supposition. Did they even look for the missing person? They have to be somewhere. Even if the body was completely disposed of, that’s still no real proof. Maybe you can’t find it because the person is not really dead, perhaps, only hiding out somewhere. People have been known to fake their own death, sometimes even to frame somebody. I would still need undeniable proof in order to convict somebody. I consider the lack of habeus corpus to be reasonable doubt in itself. You show me the undeniably-dead body, and then build your case against somebody, not the other way around.

There is also the “nut role” defense or testimony, where a testifying witness conveniently doesn’t remember or recall what is being asked them. That way, they can’t be charged with perjury, because they are not intentionally lying–they just don’t recall what went down, you see. That tactic would create reasonable doubt for me. How can I know for sure what really happened when the primary eyewitnesses “don’t” even remember?

It’s been reported that up to 136,000 persons at any given time are serving time in prison for crimes that they did not commit. That is a frightening realization. And of course, this is no accident either. It has been revealed that certain penal facilities, like New York’s Rikers Island, for instance, recruit people to incarcerate so that they can keep the place open and continue to receive funding, and the wardens and guards can keep their jobs. Unfortunately and intentionally, it is your poor blacks who are targeted and arrested for the most minor of offenses, sometimes even made-up offenses, then are relegated to the prison and held there indefinitely, because their bail is set so high they cannot possibly pay it. It’s a despicable racket which is still being allowed to continue.

I am always hearing about how the American justice system is the best in the world. But you will pardon me if I don’t agree. With those disturbing statistics of wrongful convictions, my faith and trust in the courts is less than positive, certainly far from being the best. As I, myself, have been a victim of unfair court proceedings, I’m sure that other unfortunate individuals who have been abused by the system would readily concur with my assessment. These fast-talking lawyers confuse and manipulate juries so well that they don’t know what the truth is most of the time, and the lawyers don’t even care. It’s just a game with them, after all, and their main objective is to win their case at all costs, to hell with truth and justice. It’s all about who is the better player. Therefore, the ultimate purpose of a trial is to determine grounds for punishment, which in turn is decided by judgmental human beings who are guided by their own biases and opinions, which don’t necessarily have anything to do with the truth.

Sometimes the wrong charge presented to a jury will render an unjust verdict. Those cops in the Rodney King case were not charged with attempted murder, like they should have been, but some lesser charge, like nervousness or something, and the jury had to rule on the charge that they were given, so they all got off with a lighter sentence. Christian Brando, Marlon’s son, killed a man in premeditated, cold blood, but his lawyer got him to plead “voluntary manslaughter,” which is considered a less-serious charge, I guess, than first-degree murder. I don’t see any difference in those two terms. The result is the same. Somebody is dead by intentional means. And then young Brando served only half of his 10-year term.

What is the legal time-limit on so-called premeditation? Did they plan to kill that person a year, a week, a day, an hour or a minute before they did it? Why should it matter when or whether it was planned or not? “But I didn’t mean to kill him. We were struggling and he accidentally fell on my knife.” So you were brandishing a knife that you didn’t intend to use? When you pushed your pregnant wife down the stairs, on the spur of the moment, you see, you didn’t mean to kill her? You were just trying to make her miscarry? Oh, well, then. I think that when someone is responsible for another person’s death, they are guilty, regardless of their intent. Whether they meant it or not doesn’t change the outcome.

I think that attempted crimes should hold the same weight as actual execution. If a person tries to kill somebody but the victim survives, it shouldn’t make the charge less serious. If murder is defined by intent, he intended to kill his wife; she just didn’t die. So shouldn’t attempted murder have the same penalty as actual murder? In the 1936 Fritz Lang drama Fury, innocent traveler, Spencer Tracy, who is thought to be guilty of a kidnapping, is targeted by a lynch mob in a small town. While held in custody in the local jailhouse, the mob sets it afire with the intent to burn the prisoner therein alive. But Tracy escapes, and out of revengeful anger he decides to bring the mob participants to justice. Now although they shouldn’t be convicted of actual murder, they are at least guilty of burning the jailhouse down with the intent to kill. Just because he didn’t die doesn’t change the situation. So it would be murder only if he had actually died in the fire?

Then there is the person who kills the wrong person by mistake. If first-degree murder is deemed to have intent attached to it, if they didn’t intend to kill that person, should they be held accountable, even though they did kill somebody else instead? “I didn’t mean to kill her, Your Honor. I was aiming at that other bitch!” “Oh, well, then.” And what about the person who “kills” someone who is already dead? I mean that they didn’t realize that the person was dead when they shot them or stabbed them or bludgeoned them with something. Should that person be absolved because they didn’t really kill anybody, although they certainly meant to?

I don’t like the “insanity defense” either. You know, when a remorseless killer is found “not guilty by reason of insanity.“ Well, so what if the guy is crazy, temporarily or otherwise? I think there is some degree of mental ill-health when anybody kills another person. That’s no excuse to let them off the hook. If they are really sick, then hie them to a facility for the criminally insane. Don’t exonerate them of their crime. They still committed murder and should be held responsible.

I heard of a man who was convicted of the attempted murder of his wife and was sentenced to 20 years in prison. When his parole came up at 12 years, he swore to his parole board that when he got out, he would “finish the job” on his wife. Now, isn’t that a good enough reason to keep his butt in there? If he is freely admitting to a future crime, then apparently he has not been properly rehabilitated, has he? How can they ever let him out, knowing that? There are those, too, who, when they are released from prison, will attempt to exact revenge on those who were responsible for putting them away. They think that they are above the law and shouldn’t have had to pay for what they did, and how dare you do your job as a prosecutor or jurist to see justice done. You need to pay!

There are certain areas in some major cities that experience regular incidents of black-on-black crimes, including murder. One example is my own hometown of South Bend, Indiana. When I was growing up there in the ’50s and ’60s, as far as we all knew, our neighborhood was virtually crime-free. There were no vandalism, robberies or burglaries, we didn’t even have to lock the house when we went out. Everybody respected each other’s property and privacy. So I grew up with a sense of safety and security, a peaceful, carefree existence. A good 20 years later, however, during the ’70s and ’80s, things had changed quite drastically. Drug use and dealing had entered the picture, and my once-secure neighborhood eventually turned into a crime-ridden, black ghetto.

My sister and her husband were living in that same house during that time, and their two daughters were still young children. My brother-in-law, Sam, came home from work one day and found bullet holes in the front of the house, I suppose the result of a drive-by shooting. What if my nieces had been out in the front yard playing that day? It was then that they decided to move, afraid for their lives. They moved to a fabulous house in a crime-free area on the outskirts of town.

Only two blocks away from where our family homestead was located, became known as “The Block,” an unmonitored, regular criminal hangout. My mother used to report to me that there were almost daily news reports of shootings on that corner, and little or nothing was ever done about it, which is why it was able to occur so often. There were never any investigations or if there were, nobody was ever convicted. People soon learned that they could kill anybody they wanted to and get away with it. Since it was just blacks killing other blacks, the police department didn’t seem to care. I’m sure that if it was happening in the predominately-white areas of town, they certainly would have taken notice. The city of Chicago is experiencing the same sort of violence. They are daily killings of black youths from gangs and other factions, and the local police department and even the mayor are not doing a damn thing about it.

You must be familiar with the concept of cause-and-effect. I find it interesting that as a result of the case of Roe vs. Wade decision in 1973 which legalized abortion, there was a major decline in American crime during the ‘90s. The theory is that a lot of women stopped having unwanted babies that they didn’t have the means to support, and since these are the children who are more likely to resort to crime as they get older, the fact that they were never born, it spared the community of their criminal influence. In general, wanted children with loving, responsible parents of financial means are more inclined to grow up to be law-abiding and with a good moral sense. But now it’s a generation later, and it looks as if things are back the way they were before.

Many criminal acts are money motivated, like robbery, embezzlement, extortion and blackmail. The persons who commit any of these crimes usually have some kind of paying job, but it’s apparently not enough. Even those who have a lot of money always seem to want more. Whether they have a regular salary or not, some willingly resort to crime rather than finding an honest job or just be satisfied with the job they have. I’ve never been a greedy person. I’ve never made as much money as I would like, but I have managed to make do with whatever I earn. I have never considered resorting to crime to get something that I don’t have. I learned long ago that I have to get along without certain things. It’s a sacrifice, but I just do with what I got. Therefore, I contend that crime commitment is a choice. Nobody absolutely has to break the law. They just choose to do so. Suppose I wanted a car. I can’t afford to buy one, so why don’t I just steal one? No, I will just do without it instead.

In theory, laws are set up as moral guidelines for society, and the threat of consequential punishment is supposed to be an incentive always to obey the law. But since incarceration and even execution are not effective deterrents, apparently, why even bother with trials and convictions? What good are they (except for the aforementioned monetary compensation involved)? The laws themselves and the ensuing punishments have never prevented people from doing exactly what they want to do. Do you honestly think that a person who would dare to rob a bank today actually thinks that they will never get caught? People get desperate enough and are willing to take the chance.

I’ve heard TV ads that proclaim, “If you break the law, you will go to jail.“ Not necessarily. We all break laws and commit crime everyday; we just don’t always get caught. We jaywalk, double-park, litter, use illegal drugs, commit assault, cheat on our income taxes, whatever, but consider them only harmless misdemeanors, if even that. I don’t commit robbery, murder or sell crack to schoolchildren—not because it’s against the law, but because it’s wrong and it hurts people. Since scruples and ethics are not governed by laws, people do terrible things to each other all the time and still manage to remain within the law. So if we don’t get caught, accused or convicted of something, is it a crime?

There is a comedy film called Meet the Blacks (2016), starring Mike Epps (there may be others with a similar premise), in which the city of Beverly Hills, California implements “The Purge.” That’s when all matter of crime–theft, physical assault, even murder–is allowed for a 12-hour period. I wonder how we all would fare in a real situation as that. It would be a test of human morality, wouldn’t it? Would certain people use the opportunity to rob, steak. commit rape and get rid of each other with no legal ramifications, or would these same people refrain from committing any kind of crime because it’s wrong?

The current U.S. prison population (as of this writing) is 2,400,000, the largest in the world, and juvenile detention is up to nearly 7 million! Something must be terribly wrong when 7 million of our children are serving time in jail. Of course, some of that number are probably innocent, but we should assume that most of them are not. That still is way too many. Then, too, we know that there are many more who should be in prison but are not. We need to look at the bigger picture. If our world necessitates the maintenance of jails and prisons to confine our social miscreants, then the main problem must be the lack of human morality itself. We all should be taught to feel reproach and culpability for our wrongful actions and then have the resolution to punish ourselves, which some of us tend to do anyway, out of remorse. Fortunately, many of us already harbor enough inherent guilt and have a good sense of right and wrong that prevents us from doing intentional wrong in the first place. That is perhaps why there is not a lot more crime in the world than there already is.

Recently, upon watching a drama about art forgery, it got me to thinking. Now I can understand so-called plagiarism to be an unethical indiscretion–attempting to pass off someone else’s work as your own, therefore taking the credit and remuneration–but in the case of someone copying a work of art, I have trouble finding the criminal element of that. A person who copies a famous painting does not claim it for their own glory or profit. They are most likely paid for the job, and what happens to the copy afterwards is out of this guy’s hands. Admitting to anybody that it is a fake sort of defeats the purpose. If someone chooses to pay a lot of money for a copy, thinking that it is an original, it’s not the forger’s doing.

Visual art is completely subjective. I think that art should be judged and regarded on its appearance appeal rather than who actually created it. It’s like with wearing apparel. If I like a certain garment, it doesn’t matter to me who made it. I don’t care about the name label on it if I like the product. So by the same token, if I like a certain painting, it doesn’t have to be the original. A reproduction will do me just fine. If they are charging more for it than I am willing to pay, then I just won’t buy it. Its authenticity is inconsequential. At any rate, I certainly don’t accuse the person who make the copy of committing a criminal act. The gift shops in art museums regularly sell reproductions of their acquisitions. I have one or two myself. I am sure that the ones responsible for creating all those reproductions are not considered forgers. It’s just their job, like anything else.

The same can be said of imitation jewelry and fur. The manufacturers of rhinestones, cubic zirconia, fake furs and such are not considered forgers. They only reproduce less-expensive facsimiles of precious gems and animal pelts. When we know that they are not the real thing but go on and buy them anyway, we don’t accuse the makers for giving us a cheaper option.

I also don’t understand the criminality of so-called insider trading. In any gambling situation, if one comes across secret information that may improve their chance of winning, what’s wrong with that? The person receiving the tip is not going to complain, and it must not even be a secret. They just told that person about it instead of you. They don’t send horse race gamblers to prison because they got a tip on a winning horse. Why is the other thing so wrong?

And what is the big deal about paying colleges money to get them to accept their children? Isn’t that what they want, people’s money? If they happen to lie or misrepresent themselves to get in, that’s no crime either. People lie everyday about something. It comes down to whether you choose to believe them or not. If the college takes the money without question, then they are just as guilty, in my opinion. Who is hurt in these victimless “crimes”? They certainly should not be prison-worthy actions.

I just saw a 2020 documentary called Baby God, which is a true account of a well-respected fertility specialist (Dr. Fortier, in case you want to check him out) who for 30 years fathered hundreds of children by using his own sperm to impregnate his female patients. Some interviewed in the film deemed the doc to be a monster and totally unethical. But what did he do that was so wrong? These women came to him in desperation, wanting to have a baby so badly they didn’t care at the time how. This was the days before they were able to freeze donated sperm, and it had to be fresh to be viable. The women seemed not to mind getting knocked up by an anonymous donor whom they knew nothing about, but now that they know who the actual father is, that changes things? They should thank him. They implored him to give them a baby. He gave them a baby. So what are they bitching about?

Another unfair, victimless crime, in my opinion, is the receiving of stolen property. When we buy or are given anything, how can we know for sure whether it was stolen or not? People shop at flea markets, thrift shops, street fairs, garage, yard and rummage sales on a regular basis. Might any of those items had been stolen from somebody else before they were resold? How is the innocent buyer at fault? I’m sure that many of the items at pawn shops, too, are stolen. I expect it is where years ago my burglarized property ended up. Even if you know that you are in the possession of a hot item, why is that a bad thing? I need a certain thing and somebody is able to get it for me for real cheap. How does that make me the criminal? I have a friend who actually had to serve prison time on the charge of receiving stolen property. Of course, the person who did the actual stealing is nowhere to be found.

In a perfect world there would be no crime. And since everything that we do in life is a choice, it would mean that every single person would make a conscious effort never to do wrong and have the moral sense always to treat each other righteously. There is a religious philosophy that contends that if you even think about committing a wrong, it is the same as actually doing it. But then that would confirm the fact that we are all sinners. Who has never in their life thought of doing something that they know is not right, even though they probably would never actually do it? I don’t agree that thinking and acting upon our thoughts are the same thing. Otherwise, we’d all be locked up somewhere!

I find a certain irony in being incarcerated. Although confined against their will, it gives prisoners a kind of freedom to do whatever they want, in spite of the house rules. They can speak their mind and exhibit any personal quirks or fetishes that they may have. They can commit any crime, including theft, assault, rape and even murder, the penalty for such unlawful acts being prison time. But since they are already there, what’s stopping them and what is anybody going to do about it? What do you do in the case of a person serving life, for instance? Extend their sentence? Putting someone in solitary confinement is not such a terrible deterrent for some. Take me, for example. Solitary, in itself, would not be a punishment, as I am used to spending time with myself, sometimes several days on end. I prefer it, in fact, instead of sharing a cell with somebody (unless he‘s my boyfriend and lover). Even if I am deprived of any reading material, with my extensive music repertoire, I would just sing and recite monologues to pass the time. It would be a punishment only for the person who hates ever being alone. Indeed, there are far more things that we are not allowed to do here in the outside world than are forbidden to do in prison.

People rally for the death penalty as if that will change the situation. It doesn’t undo anything. It won’t bring the murdered victims back to life and it won’t stop the acts of murder and mayhem from ever occurring again. All it does is stop that particular person from committing any more crimes, but it also prevents them from doing anything constructive or socially beneficial. Moreover, death is not a real punishment, in my opinion. A punishment should teach a lesson, let the person know that they have done something wrong and acknowledge personal atonement for it. One cannot experience conscious retribution while dead. For those doomed prisoners who want to die, it’s not a punishment for them either, as you are giving them what they want.

I saw a news report discussion on TV about the death penalty, which proved to be rather enlightening. I don’t trust many statistics, but it was said that blacks make up 13% of the population (I think it must be much more than that), and 42% of blacks are on death row. If that is true, why is that? I learned the plight of Nathaniel Woods, a black man who was the unfortunate victim of circumstance. On June 17, 2004 in Birmingham, Alabama, three white police officers raided a purported crack house, in which Woods and another man, Kerry Spencer, were present. After Woods had surrendered to the officers, Spencer shot the cops with a rifle and killed them.

Later when the two were arrested, Spencer told them that Woods had nothing to do with the killings. He didn’t have a weapon. But he was charged and convicted anyway. This being Alabama, Woods was reminded that the murdered victims were white–and policemen at that–his prosecutor is white, the judge is white, and the jury is all white. So what do you expect is going to happen to him? Woods remained on death row for six years and was eventually executed on March 5, 2020. Spencer, who committed the actual killings, is still alive and awaiting his own execution.

A disturbing observation has come to light that this Southern convention of execution of innocent black men is merely the stepchild of lynching. Instead of doing it in public out in the open, they have moved it inside and accomplish it legally through the court system. They always can find a way to get us, can’t they?

Although I am more for self-punishment than penalties imposed by others, I have some alternative suggestions to execution. Why not keep doomed killer convicts alive and attempt some sort of rehabilitation, or if they are a hopeless case, at least put them through a living hell? Instead of killing these people or confining them to indoor prisons, why not force them to do hard labor, for example? I believe in constructive punishment. Let’s make use of the available manpower in a positive way instead of stifling it or eliminating it altogether. We need roads built and maintained, buildings constructed, and how about making them clean up this filthy City? The punishment is that they will be doing it without any pay. What is the fun or reward of undesirable, backbreaking work without any monetary compensation? The wardens wouldn’t have to follow Union regulations, so they could deny the prisoners regular breaks and make them work much more than only 7 hours a day. They would get time out only for meals and sleep. That’s the same as slavery.

But in this case, it is imposed as an individual punishment for committing a crime, not automatically foisted upon innocent people who only happen to be of a particular ethnic group. That seems like fitting punishment to me. “But that’s taking good paying jobs away from those who want to do that kind of work,” you may say. Well, they didn’t consider that fact or seem to mind when it was we blacks doing it for all those hundreds of years, for no pay! It might even create some incentive for people to do right. Do you want to have to work for no pay, or do the same type of work and get paid well for it? Then stay out of trouble and obey the law!

For the real hardened criminals, deny them any recreation, exercise, hobbies, leisure time or any companionship, but subject them only to work and isolation. Deny them of their basic human rights. There are too many perks in the prisons nowadays. Some inmates have it so good in prison that they never want to leave. That goes back to the notion that prison affords more liberties than what we are allowed here on the outside. Men with serious medical conditions have been known to want to go to prison to get the free medical treatment that would be available to them and that they have been denied outside because of their lack of health insurance, for example. Also, prison inmates should be subject to regular psychological therapy to help rehabilitate them and try to prepare them to reenter civilized society.

For the ambitious, hopefully-rehabilitative, I would consider an education program which offers academic courses and career training for those who have so far lacked them and now desire to better themselves when they are eventually paroled. Their lack of proper education is one of the reasons why many of them wound up in prison in the first place. Too, their counseling sessions would teach them remorse for what they have done wrong so that they won’t do it again when they get out. Every case being different, each should be handled accordingly. At any rate, I don’t think that anything is accomplished by putting convicted criminals to death.

For violent wrongdoing other than murder, I could go along with letting the punishment fit the crime. For the man who likes to rape women, for instance, the courts could enlist a man, who’s bigger and stronger than the other guy, to rape him. For battery cases, hire somebody to beat the shit out of the abuser. Let them know how it feels, what they put their victims through. I do realize, though, that most of them already know what it’s like, being probable victims of abuse themselves when they were children. But maybe it would serve as an unpleasant reminder to them. Look, you didn’t like being beaten, so how dare you put somebody else through the same thing, especially someone whom you claim to love?

Be advised that I am offering these suggestions only to those offenders who have been proven without any doubt that they did what they have been accused of, by actual confession or undisputed eyewitness account of their crime. I realize that many prisoners serving time are actually innocent, having been convicted on unverified circumstantial evidence, mishandled trials because of incompetent lawyers, and by manipulating and abusing the justice system. I certainly wouldn’t want to impose such harsh punishments on those innocent convicts. It’s enough that they are in there at all.

I have always enjoyed lawyer shows and courtroom drama on TV and the movies, and I watch them with appreciation and insight. I am greatly disillusioned by our American court system. It’s a farce. It’s all just a big game with the lawyers, and it’s all about money and winning in any way possible. They unabashedly play with and destroy people’s lives in the process, often without any remorse or conscience. I rankle and bristle when I hear two lawyers plea-bargaining on behalf of a client. They sound as if they are haggling with an antique dealer. “I’d like to give your guy 20 years in prison.” “How about 10?” “Fifteen and you’ve got a deal. I‘ll even throw in the possibility of an early parole with good behavior.” But they are not the ones serving the time! I hate how they manipulate a person’s life like that, especially the innocent ones who haven’t done anything to merit it.

I’ve heard lawyers and judges, when deciding upon bail or punishment, will take the defendant’s criminal record into consideration. “Since this is the defendant’s first offense, I will set bail at only $10,000.” So this guy has been convicted of burglary, but he has no priors, so we will go easy on him this time. If he does it a couple more times, however, we’ll have to be a little more strict. “This is only my client’s first bank robbery, Your Honor.” “Oh, well, then.”

And I hope that those clichéd objections uttered in filmed courtroom dramas are not common real life occurrences. “Objection, Your Honor! Argumentative.” Well, isn’t that what lawyers do, argue their cases for their clients? If somebody says something that’s not true or inaccurate, I expect my lawyer to argue the point. Isn‘t that their job? “We will now have your closing arguments.” Hello? I find that to be a stupid objection, but nobody ever calls them on it. “That’s hearsay, Your Honor. Not admissible.” So any testimony made not under oath is not admissible, even though it may be quite pertinent and could solve the case? Isn’t anything uttered by a person in someone else’s presence hearsay? I think that all testimony should be allowed, no matter where or who it came from. Let the jury decide whether it’s valid and to believe it or not. That’s why they’re there, isn’t it?

“The jury will disregard the witness’ last statement.” Why should we? They said it, so let’s deal with it. What they said could be entirely relevant. “I object! Council is badgering the witness.” Well, so what? If that will get them to tell the truth, I don’t care if the lawyer goes a little rough on their witnesses. Some people need badgering. The D.A. is trying to prosecute an innocent defendant but he‘s so concerned about a witness‘ feelings? “This witness is not on trial!” They’re not? Then maybe they should be. Why are they testifying? All participants in a trial are “on trial.” If I know that my client is innocent and I think that this witness knows more than they’re telling—they could even be the guilty party—then I should be able to ask them anything that I want to.

With Ben Matlock, for example, his prosecutors were always objecting to him, like he was wasting time with pointless interrogation. “Mr. Matlock, what is the relevance of this line of questioning?” Well, if you’ll shut up and let the man do his cross-examination, you will see the relevance! Ben has the real killer on the stand and he is relating to the court how this person committed the murder. He has to explain the situation to the jury so that they will understand what happened. He can’t just cut to the chase without first setting the scene. If he did that, someone would ask, “But how did he do it? I don’t understand.” Well, that’s what he was trying to explain when you interrupted him! Let the man do his job!

The prosecutor jumps up and says, “That’s pure speculation!” Well, since Ben’s client is innocent of the crime, the D.A.’s case against them is also speculation, isn’t it? He didn’t actually see them do it. It’s all circumstantial. So since the prosecution has apparently come up with its own erroneous scenario of the crime, the defense should be allowed to present their version. Allow the jury to hear another take on the case, so that they can make an informed decision. Again, that’s why they are there.

Ben seldom lost a case, but they were always second-guessing him and treating him like he didn’t know what the hell he was doing. He never asked a question that he did not already know the answer to. That way he knew when people were lying. “Are you acquainted with ‘John Doe,‘ the victim?” “No, sir. I’ve never heard of the man.” “So then, why did you and he make several phone calls to each other the very week that he was murdered?” Why would they lie about something that can so easily be confirmed, obviously committing perjury? Just say, “Yes, I knew him,“ and leave it at that. One can answer a simple question without admitting to anything incriminating.

So then after Ben lays out who did it and how the murder was committed, the D.A. and judge insist that he prove it. Why does he need to prove it? The prosecutor didn’t prove the defendant’s guilt. Isn’t it supposed to be, innocent until proven guilty? All Ben needs to do is establish reasonable doubt, which he has already done. If you want proof, why don’t you do a more thorough investigation this time, just as Ben did, and get the proof yourself?

A testifying witness is sworn in to “tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.“ Some won’t volunteer any information unless directly called on it. That “pleading the Fifth” also serves as a convenient loophole for the witness, discussed earlier, as it creates reasonable doubt for the defendant. If we don’t get the answers to pertinent questions about the case, then how can we render a fair, informed verdict? I still will have reasonable doubt. There are too many rules of protocol in the courtroom. How can attorneys get at the truth when the judges and opposing council are constantly tying their hands with petty and unwarranted objections and restrictions?

Here is a little-known historical note that you may find interesting. You already know that modern courts of law administer the oath by instructing the witness to place their right hand (why the right?) on the Bible. But before there was the Bible to swear on, the solemn method of taking an oath demanded the putting of one’s hand on the penis of the person to whom the promise, statement or vow was made. As the organ of reproduction, a man’s genitals were regarded as his most sacred possession, and to expose them to view, caused not shame but awe. Therefore swearing by, and literally on, the penis presupposed extra sanctity and inviolable obligation. The meaning of the procedure implied that should he who was taking the oath ever break it, his “issue,” the yet unborn generations, would punish such disloyalty and dishonoring of a pledge.

Of course, later periods, regarding this system, or even its very recollection, offensive, changed the Biblical terminology from penis to the thigh or loins. This also implies that at one time only men could testify in a court of law, just as juries, too, used to be all-male. The tradition survives, at least etymologically, in the Latin word for witness—testis, and from that we get the words testament, testes, testicles, testify, testimonial and testimony.

I would love to be able to make a controversial statement someday, if I am ever required to testify under oath in a court of law, to be sworn in by grabbing hold of my crotch with my left hand and taking the solemn oath to tell the truth. Why should I have to swear on a Bible? That doesn’t mean anything to me. My dick means more to me than some ol’ Bible! If the judge protests, I’ll just point out that what I did was the original basis of the procedure. Let them try to argue with that.

Of course, I would probably be cited with contempt for such a stunt. So, I’m a rebel! I am reminded of Mae West in the hilarious courtroom scene in She Done Him Wrong (1933), when Mae, on trial for being accused of jilting her several suitors, is actually “holding court” and throwing shade on her accusers. The judge asks her, “Are you trying to show contempt for this court, young lady?” Mae replies, “No, Judge, I am trying my best not to show my contempt!”

The swearing in of witnesses is pointless anyway, due to the fact that people still lie under oath. A truly honest person will tell the truth anyway. They don’t have to take an oath. By the same token, a person will lie if it suits their purpose. The lawyers and judges know that. That’s why they came up with the crime of perjury. The last time I was on jury duty, one of the lawyers actually warned us that just because a witness swears on the Bible, we shouldn’t let that influence whether they are being truthful on the stand or not. So I said to him, ‘Then what’s the point of swearing people in?’ He had to help me say. He thought it was pointless and unnecessary, too.

I have heard police officers deliberately lie on the witness stand, in order to disparage and convict an innocent defendant. When the defendant’s friends actually tell the truth about what really happened, which differs from the cops’ testimony, the judge chooses to believe the officers instead, even though they lied about everything. “That guy would say anything to help his friend.” Even if it’s the truth? So it’s like with everything else, people believe what they choose to believe, regardless of whether it’s actually true or not.

Tipping

I want to talk about the American custom of tipping. You know, it looks like everybody has their hands out these days. Why should we be expected to pay extra for certain services that people are already paid to do as their regular job? A gratuity is supposed to be a monetary reward given freely in appreciation for some special favor above and beyond normal service. So if I just paid this cab driver for taking me to my destination, why must I give him some more money for taking me to my destination—especially when he has added on night surcharge, tolls and gotten us lost while taking the roundabout route? I just paid my barber his normal fee for giving me just a haircut. So now I should give him some extra money for giving me just a haircut? The pizza boy is paid for delivering pizzas, so why should I pay him again for doing what his employer is paying him for?

I am assuming that nobody works for free, so if a doorman or bellhop is employed at a hotel, he must be getting some sort of salary. So their normal duties are the same things that the hotel guests give them tips for. A bellhop is hired to take guests’ bags to their rooms. That’s part of their job. So why should I pay him for taking my bags to my room?! The same goes for doormen and concierges. I guess people don’t realize that those hundreds (at some places, thousands) of dollars per day that they pay for a room or suite in somebody’s establishment, some of it is used to pay their employees’ salaries. So what you’re doing, in actuality, is paying these people twice for the exact same services.

My most recent vocal group, the New York Vagabonds, had the good fortune of performing on luxury cruise ships for 8 years (2005-12). We worked on Holland America, Norwegian, Regent and Royal Caribbean, for the most part. They have a particular racket going on Royal Caribbean. Whereas the other cruise lines do encourage the guests to tip the crew for exceptional service, Royal Caribbean actually adds a daily pro-rated surcharge to their account, whether the service is exceptional or not or whether you even receive a particular service. They want you to tip your stateroom attendants and your dining room waiters (three in all). And it’s not what amount you choose to give them. They suggest that it be ten dollars a day for each of them. Forty dollars a day for a seven-day cruise, that comes to $280 per person!

Now even though we are guest entertainers, therefore employees ourselves, they expect us to honor this “gratuity” system as well. I’m sorry, but that’s not right! Gabe, our leader, tells us that this cruise line pays us more than the others do, but if we end up giving back as much as $920 to the ship, then that‘s taking away from our would-be increased salary! “I’ll give you more money if you’ll give a good portion of it back.” What?! Besides, I was not at all pleased with my stateroom attendants on some of the ships. They would close the curtain over my porthole at night (Why? Nobody’s peeking in). I like to see daylight when I awake in the morning. If I want the curtain closed, I will close it myself. What, am I helpless? They always moved my wastebasket from where I kept it–I want it over here where it is convenient to me–and they couldn’t even manage to deliver my daily schedule to my room the night before, so that I can plan my activities for the next day. They keep the schedules with them, so what’s the problem? I had to retrieve one from the front desk every day, which was not a convenience. Every locale on the ship requires a certain amount of travel to get to. I didn’t consider any of this outstanding service that I should pay extra for. They did stuff that I did not want them to do and neglected to do what I expected them to do.

Still referring to Royal Caribbean, for every drink ordered on the ship, a “service charge” of over a dollar is added to your bill, which in itself can be considered a compulsory tip. It’s certainly not voluntary. They add it on automatically. You see, they don’t handle cash on the ships; everything is signed for to be added to your shipboard account. Now that they have your credit card number, you are at their mercy to be charged for anything, at their whim. At the bottom of your drink receipt is a space for supplying “an additional tip for outstanding service.” Do you believe those crooks?! All they did was bring me a drink. What is so “outstanding” about that? Isn’t that their very job? So the $8.00 I was just charged for this tiny cocktail isn’t enough that they have the audacity to ask for more money? And this is for every single drink, mind you, even sodas and juices. The only beverages they don’t charge you for is tap water, lemonade, coffee and tea, hot or iced. It’s a fact that people will try to get away with what you allow them to get away with.

I’ll bet you that whatever they pay these ships’ crew, it’s more than what I get for my job. They get their regular salary–I mean they are not working for nothing, they must be getting something–plus they get all that extra money from the guests, I’m talking about thousands of passengers, on a daily basis! Don’t be crying the blues to me! They must be getting over! Since they live there on the ship, their room and board is provided for free, and they get to travel and see the world. The only time they get to spend any money is when they get into port and get off the ship, and they don‘t have to spend any money even then. I seldom buy anything while on a cruise. Whatever I need, I will bring it on with me. There are many crew members who don’t ever get to leave the ship, because they work all the time. So they must get to save almost everything that they make. I don’t have that luxury. I have rent and other monthly bills to pay. I certainly don’t feel sorry for those ship employees about whether or not they are underpaid.

If I were a rich man with unlimited amounts of money at my disposal, giving it away at will would not be that big a deal. I am quite generous when I have plenty of something to give. But as I am, and most of my life, have been on a fixed budget with an indefinite income, living from varying paycheck to paycheck, I have learned to be frugal and not to spend money unnecessarily. This freelance job I have today might be my last, for all I know. This way I have managed to live within my means and not to spend money that I don’t have.

I am a professional entertainer, as I‘ve told you. I don’t get paid what I think I’m worth, but I do receive something for my work, usually. I do, however, do things that most other performers don’t. When I was with The Flirtations, for example, and then with the Vagabonds, I would stay around after my shows to meet and greet my public, shake their hands, talk with them, sign autographs and have my picture taken with them. That is certainly above and beyond the call of duty. I don’t have to do any of that, nor is it expected. And the people seem to appreciate it. I would prefer to go to my dressing room and change out of my hot, sweaty clothes. On show nights we have to miss dinner because we are performing during mealtime. So now I am ready to eat, instead of standing here schmoozing with strangers. Why don’t I ever get tipped for the extra service that I provide my “customers/clients”? We should be put on the ships’ gratuity list, too, along with their other employees.

When female impersonators perform—oh, excuse me, I mean to say “gender illusionists”—most of them lip sync to recordings, and the patrons throw money at them and stuff it in their gowns. When I am on stage, I do my own singing with my own voice, but nobody gives me any extra money. I don’t mean it to sound like sour grapes, but if I’m not expected to be tipped for giving extra service over my regular duties, then all those other people should not expect tips for doing just their regular jobs. That’s all I’m saying.

But the biggest racket, I think, is in the food service business. In the olden days, a tip was given to the server at the end of a meal, maybe for being extra-courteous or super-efficient. The way it is now, at least in this country, a tip is pretty much mandatory, and in some places, is automatically added to the meal bill. Plus, the amount is determined by a percentage of the total check. Neither of these conventions have anything to do with the actual service rendered by the server. It all depends on the eating establishment and the menu prices. Dinner for two at $100 probably requires no more work from the server than dinner for two at $20. The incentive to give the best service is gone. The server doesn’t have to concern themself with what kind of service they give their customers. They can be as rude as they want, inefficient, and the food could be unsatisfactory, because they know that they will still get that tip.

I have eaten in restaurants with groups of people where the service was horrendous, and the food was just as bad, and at the end of the meal, I’ve had to sit there and watch my eating companions figure up the 15% (or 20%) tip to leave this incompetent boob. ‘What are you people doing?!’ Talk about aiding and abetting! But yet I’m “cheap” because I choose not to be a willing co-dependent. Why would this person bother to clean up their act if everybody continues to reward them for their inefficiency? If they would withhold the tip, it might compel the server to ask, “Was the service not to your satisfaction?” Then you can tell them, “No, it wasn’t. For one thing, you didn‘t come back once to refill my water glass. I need water throughout my meal. I asked you for mayonnaise for my burger and you took forever to bring it. I specifically asked for well-done, and it’s quite red inside. Did you even tell the cook how I wanted it? I wanted to drink my coffee with my dessert. I‘m finished eating it, so I don‘t need it now. It is possible to bring them both together, you know. How difficult is it to give us separate checks? Are you trying to save on pad paper or something? Why should we have to do all the required arithmetic?” I never make unreasonable demands on my servers. It’s what I do when I am preparing meals for myself. My requests are always part of their job to give me decent, satisfactory service.

Most of the blame, however, lies with the management of these restaurants. The problem is that waiters don’t get paid a decent enough wage, so it has to be supplemented by the tips they receive. So in reality, we patrons are paying these people’s salaries. In most cases now, these projected earnings from tips are what the servers’ hourly wage is based on, and they have to declare their tips as taxable income. I’m sorry, but that’s not a gratuity anymore. We are supplying the payroll for someone else’s employees! Think about it. That’s not our responsibility. These bosses should be required by law to pay their employees a fair salary (at least minimum wage—some don’t even get that), then they wouldn’t have to depend on what we give them to live on. So we, too, should report these paid wages as a business expense for a legitimate tax deduction.

My late friend Lloyd and I used to eat at those buffet-style, self-service places a lot, where they employ waitpersons only to serve beverages and clear the tables after. Now these people expect to be tipped, too. I’m thinking, “Wong Foo” hired this woman. He should pay her for bringing me this glass of water! Or better yet, leave the water where I can get to it, so that I can pour my own. I don’t mind. I’m not that lazy. In the case of a Chinese-run buffet restaurant, the buspersons are often family members of the owners, who expect us customers to supplement their workers’ meager salaries, that is, if they are paying them anything at all. This way they get to keep all the money that they make, theirs as well as ours! I know for a fact that in some eating establishments the servers are required to turn over a portion of their daily tips to the management. So then, you are not really helping that poor, underpaid server, but putting more money into the pockets of their greedy bosses!

Another probable racket that I am suspicious about is that “handling” charge that we incur anytime we do mail order. I use the mail services often, the regular post office as well as United Parcel Service, and I am familiar with the rates and how much it costs to send things. This added fee is almost always more than it costs to send the item, especially since it’s apparently sent via Conestoga wagon, judging from the long time it takes to deliver it. So I’m wondering, who actually gets that extra fee? Like the servers and buspersons, are we unwittingly supplementing the salaries of the postal stevedores, too? I mean, isn’t handling the mail their very job? “Those guys back there are bitching for a raise again.” “Oh, yeah? Do you think the company will comply?” “Hell, no! We’ll make the naïve consumers pick up the slack. They won’t know the difference, suckers that they are.”

We know now that since it is possible to deliver ordered merchandise by mail without the shipping fees, they must be entirely optional. They don’t have to add on those charges, apparently. I regularly order merchandise from Amazon, and sometimes they will charge a $4.00 shipping fee for each item ordered and other times it’s waived. So it seems to be completely arbitrary. I know for a fact that some theaters and ticket outlets are running this sort of racket. What is this “service charge” added on whenever we purchase tickets for theatrical events or use an outlet? Well, I have news for you. All we are doing is tipping the ticket sellers. Again that extra money is used to supplement their incomes. With all the money they take in for Broadway shows and big concert events these days, don’t you think they could pay their employees out of that instead of our having to do so? I’m telling you, it’s minor extortion…and corporate greed!

Some of the local bars and “social clubs” hire young men to work the entrance door and operate the clothes check. There is a charge to get in, anywhere from $5 to $25, plus another charge for checking your coat. Now these guys expect to be tipped as well. Even if the manager doesn’t pay them anything for working there, he could give them one dollar out of every admission fee they receive. Even if they got only 200 patrons in one evening, that would still be a nice piece of change for them. I don’t have to know where all the money goes, but can’t they use some of it to pay their fucking employees?!

I am sure that a portion of the “offering” money and tithes that are collected from churchgoers every service are used to pay the salaries of the church’s working staff. I, however, don’t at all object to this practice, since I, as an employee, am on the receiving end this time. But as we are providing a needed service to these people—worshipping opportunities and musical enrichment—why shouldn’t they have to pay for it, churches’ being “non-profit organizations” and all that? But even with this, I receive only a regular paycheck. I am never tipped anything extra, like when I am asked to do a solo during the service that does not involve the other choir members. That requires preparation and rehearsal, so I am doing extra work and effort but getting paid the same as those doing less.

Now I don’t want to leave you the with the impression that I am against tipping, per se, because I’m not. I don’t mind at all throwing in a little extra to a friendly, cute waiter at a favorite eatery. But it should be my choice and my decision to do so, how much and when. What I do object to is compulsory tipping—being coerced to do it, people telling me when and how much I have to leave on the table or trying to make me feel guilty about it and judging me harshly if I don’t comply or if I don’t leave the amount that they decide I should.

Lost in Translation–The Sequel

WILL “MR. CAT POOP” CLEAN UP AT THE BOX OFFICE IN HONG KONG?
by Hal Lipper, Staff Reporter of the Wall Street Journal

HONG KONG — When it comes to translating movie titles, not every name will do. So Hong Kong’s movie distributors have created a cottage industry to rename Hollywood titles for Chinese audiences. “Major studios think up titles that are flat, boring and don’t tell audiences what movies are about,” says Doinel Wu, who has spent more than a decade renaming Western movies. “We create titles that are more straightforward.” Hence, the Cantonese title for the film biography Nixon is “The Big Liar.” The title for Boogie Nights can be interpreted as “His Powerful Device Makes Him Famous.” Since many of Hong Kong residents don’t know Fargo is a city in snow-blown North Dakota, the movie Fargo became “Mysterious Murder in Snowy Cream.” The words “snowy cream” are pronounced “fah go” in Cantonese.

The stakes are huge since English-language blockbusters dominate Hong Kong’s movie market and Chinese translations help sell the films to a wider audience. Mr. Wu’s titles are touted as among the best in the business. For the arty thriller The Professional, about a killer befriending an orphaned girl, he concocted “This Hit Man Is Not as Cold as He Thought.” The English Patient was problematic. Few Hong Kong residents knew of the novel and marketers say a faithful translation, like “The Sick Englishman,” wouldn’t have drawn audiences. Mr. Wu’s title, “Don’t Ask Me Who I Am,” captured the story’s mystery and passion. Good Will Hunting was equally challenging. Mr. Wu’s Chinese title, “Bright Sun, Just Like Me,” uses characters to imply more than can be said with words. The first half alludes to the Chinese title for Dead Poet’s Society, (“Bright Sun in Heavy Rain”) which also starred Robin Williams and was set at a school. The second half denotes a movie for young people who boldly do what they like.

Titanic and Air Force One needed no translation, distributors decided. But some of the local idioms don’t travel well. The Full Monty, a comedy about six unemployed steelworkers who become strippers, uses a Cantonese colloquialism meaning “Six Stripped Warriors.” The Mandarin interpretation is “Six Naked Pigs.” And some translations simply defy rationale. The Hong Kong title for As Good As It Gets, a comedy about a mean-spirited novelist, is “Mr. Cat Poop.” Its distributor declined comment.

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THE TOP 15 CHINESE TRANSLATIONS OF ENGLISH MOVIE TITLES

15. Pretty Woman–“I Will Marry a Prostitute to Save Money”
14. Face/Off–“Who Is Face Belonging To? I Kill You Again, Harder!”
13. Leaving Las Vegas–“I’m Drunk and You’re a Prostitute”
12. Interview With The Vampire–“So, You Are a Lawyer?”
11. The Piano–“Ungrateful Adulteress! I Chop Off Your Finger!”
10. My Best Friend’s Wedding–“Help! My Pretend Boyfriend Is Gay!”
9. George of the Jungle–“Big Dumb Monkey-Man Keeps Whacking Tree With Genitals”
8. Scent of a Woman–“Great Buddha! I Can Smell You From Afar! Take a Bath, Will You?!”
7. Love, Valour, Compassion!–“I Am That Guy From Seinfeld, So It’s Acceptable for Straight People to Enjoy This Gay Movie”
6. Babe–“The Happy Dumpling-to-be Who Talks and Solves Agricultural Problems”
5. Twister–“Run! Ruuunnnn! Cloudzillaaaaa!”
4. Field of Dreams–“Imaginary Dead Baseball Players Live in My Cornfield”
3. Barb Wire–“Delicate Orbs of Womanhood Bigger Than Your Head Can Hurt You”
2. Batman & Robin–“Come to My Cave and Wear This Rubber Codpiece, Cute Boy!”
1. The Crying Game–“Oh No! My Girlfriend Has a Penis!”

Black History, Part 3: Racism via Show Business

To continue my discussion of racism and black history, this next installment deals with show business, which I happen to know something about. I shall begin with some personal history.

I recall my first incident of racism awareness during my first year at Central Junior High School in South Bend, when I tried out for a part in the school’s production of Tom Sawyer. There wasn’t that much of a turnout, so I should have had as much chance to play one of the leads as any of the white auditioners. I had already been in several plays at my elementary school, Linden, but since it was all-black, racial casting was never an issue.

Most of the white children in our neighborhood were Polish Catholics and attended parochial school or one of the other several grade schools in the area, so I never questioned why neighbors Joey Kerestury and Billy Konieczny did not attend Linden with me. I learned later, however, that it was no coincidence that Linden was all-black. It was because of intentional de facto segregation. The school board was not called on that realization until the fall of 1965, but I was long gone by then. Fortunately, though, in spite of that fact, we did have fine and efficient teachers, both black and white, at Linden with proper and sufficient textbooks and supplies, and I did receive a good, well-rounded education.
Transportation was not a problem either, as the school was directly across the street from my house.

Central, on the other hand, was more across-the-board racially, and there were as many white students as there were black. Despite my considerable, prior stage experience, Mr. John Toth, the white director, did not see fit to cast me as Tom or any of his immediate friends. I was relegated to a very minor, nameless part in the play. I don’t remember even having any lines to recite. I was basically an extra, running across the stage, moving props and scenery, that sort of thing.

I do, however, remember, as the final indignity, the billing I received in the printed “Playbill”: “A Small, Colored Child,” I suppose, to distinguish me from the nameless small, white children in the play? Why didn’t he just name me “Little Rastus Pickaninny” and be done with it?! It’s additionally disrespectful, due to the fact that I wasn’t even small. I was 13 and already a big boy. I expect what he meant was, small, in the sense of insignificant.

Another incident of the theatrical sort occurred a couple of years after I had moved to NYC. I had already done two shows prior for Club Bené dinner theater in Morgan, New Jersey (Man of La Mancha and Finian’s Rainbow) and was auditioning for the lead in their next production, Two by Two, a musical by Richard Rodgers and based on the Noah’s Ark fable. The director of this new show, Peter Jablonski, I already knew, having worked with him in the last production in his capacity as stage manager. So he knew my work, and I thought that he liked me and respected me.

But after my audition, he called me aside and had the nerve to tell me to my face that even though I had the talent and ability to play the part, “People would not be ready for a black Noah,” and therefore did not hire me. Which people? I doubt very seriously that this guy went all over New Jersey to take a pre-survey asking people if they would be offended or outraged to see a nondescript, fictional, Biblical character being portrayed by a young, attractive black man. That’s bullshit anyway, because Eddie “Rochester” Anderson [1905-1977] had already portrayed Noah way back in 1936 in The Green Pastures, so people should have been more than “ready” by this time. This guy couldn’t just come out and admit his own racial bigotry in his decision, but chose to pass the buck and blame it all on unknown strangers. After that slap in the face, I didn’t want to work with him, even if he had offered me another part in the show, which he didn’t.

Just the year before, I chose to stand up for my dignity during the staging of Club Bené’s Finian’s Rainbow in 1974. There is a scene in the show where the bigoted character, Senator Rawkins, tries to force the black sharecroppers off their property and from their homes. The director wanted Armelia McQueen and me (there were only “two” of us in the cast; this was a real budget production) just to slink off stage without any protest. You know, like, “Yassah, Boss, we’s gwine.” I told him that I would not do that. It was too degrading. I refused to be disrespected like that. At 26, I was already exerting my racial pride and awareness. Besides, the heroine, Sharon McLonergan, intervenes on our behalf before the fact, so there was no need to do that anyway. The bit was not even in the script, it was only the director’s idea. He just wanted to demonstrate how whites always have the upper hand in any given situation. I could have gone along with his suggestion and not said anything, but I wasn’t having it. Homey don’t play that! He did comply after all and let me have my way. I had come to the realization even then that people will try to get away with what you let them get away with. How will they ever learn, if we don’t call them on their shit?

Although it’s gotten better in recent years, white people really used to do a number on us in the entertainment field. First of all, we weren’t even allowed to perform on the stage until after the turn of the previous century. And then even when they did, we could appear only alone or with other blacks, never with any white performers. The popular art form of the day was minstrel shows, performed by white actors in blackface makeup. They portrayed blacks as foolish, childlike creatures, singing and dancing and making fools of themselves to entertain their white masters. Negroes were considered incapable of playing themselves, or rather, the white man’s idea of themselves. Who could better bring to life the stereotyped white conception of the Negro more accurately than a white actor in blackface? But why?

Babes on Broadway (1941), directed by Busby Berkeley, is another one of those “Let’s-Put-on-a-Show” musicals starring Judy Garland and Mickey Rooney. They and their friends are trying to decide what to do for the finale of their show, so they all come up the idea of a minstrel production number. They are then shown putting on their blackface makeup and singing so gleefully as they are doing it. “Oh, golly gee, what a joy it is to be black!“

Three years earlier in Everybody Sing (1938) Judy goes to an audition for a show in disguise so that the attending director would not recognize her. The disguise that she chose is a black-faced pickaninny with a beribboned wig which makes her look like Farina from Our Gang! She couldn’t think of any other disguise to use than that? She trucks and buck-and-wings and dumbs down her speech. I don’t know how Judy felt about blacks, but she certainly seemed not to have any qualms about parodying them on film. I think that it’s quite shameful that she would do that, and several times, too, during her early career. I don’t believe that even then directors could make actors do something that they did not want to do.

I don’t understand why they were pretending to be black in the first place. Were they trying to make fun of us or were we supposed to consider it an honorary tribute? If imitation is supposed to be the sincerest form of flattery, don’t do us any favors. It must be a mockery, because if they cared anything about us, they wouldn’t have found the need to distort our image like they did. That’s not how we would have played ourselves, voluntarily. And then when blacks themselves started performing in the minstrel shows, they, too, had to do it in blackface, I assume in order to maintain their pre-established image of us.

That’s just like in the movie and Broadway show Victor/Victoria, where a woman is pretending to be a man pretending to be a woman. By making a black man perform in blackface, he is a Negro pretending to be a white man pretending to be a Negro. Go figure. That’s about as ridiculously redundant, too, as the drag queen I once saw impersonating drag queen RuPaul!

But my question remains, Why? Who told those black artists that they had to perform in blackface? Was it, “If you want to perform, that is how you have to do it.”? Why, just because you say so? Who the fuck are you to make such a demand? Why must we always obey a white man’s every bidding? Why can’t we call our own shots? Let us do our own thing, thank you.

But maybe there is an underlying motivation behind it all. Maybe it was their unspoken desire to appear black. They could satisfy their preoccupation with darkening their skin without admitting it out loud. They must have been doing it for themselves; they certainly were not doing it for our benefit. And they must have enjoyed it, or they wouldn’t have been doing it! Of course, they wouldn’t do that ordinarily. This was merely costume makeup strictly for entertainment purposes, you see.

In Holiday Inn (1942), while celebrating Lincoln’s Birthday, star and inn proprietor, Bing Crosby, chooses to do the tribute to Abe with the ensemble all appearing in blackface, I suppose to depict the slaves of 1860. Why would we want to be reminded of that period in history? Costar Marjorie Reynolds comes out to do her number in a guise similar to Judy’s getup in Everybody Sing. I thought, Who is that supposed to be? Nobody in real life looks or dresses like that. And then, so that Marjorie would not be recognized again, Bing suggests that she do blackface for the Valentine’s Day show two days later. That’s why I contend that they must have liked doing that, because in every case, it was a desired choice to do so. They certainly didn’t have to.

What else I thought was strange in that same film is maid/cook/housekeeper Louise Beavers and her two young children singing a verse of the Lincoln song (by Irving Berlin). I wonder what she and the kids thought about the whole minstrel routine. Did the director even ask their opinion or just didn’t care what they thought about it? And although blacks were allowed to work in behind-the-scenes jobs at the Inn, there weren’t any there as patron guests, there to dine, dance and enjoy the shows.

When the executive producers were casting Watermelon Man (1970), in which a bigoted white man turns black overnight, they were considering only a white actor to play the lead role, but writer-director Melvin Van Peebles suggested that since he is white for only the first fifteen minutes of the film, it would be more practical to make a black actor white for a few minutes than for a white actor to do the whole rest of the film in blackface. So Godfrey Cambridge got the part. Then they wanted the character to turn back white again at the end of the picture—they didn’t like the idea of the unfortunate fate of his remaining black—but Van Peebles wanted him to stay black. So he proposed a compromise. He would film two endings reflecting both results. But when the final edition was presented, the ending where Godfrey is supposed to turn back white, somehow couldn’t be found (hmm, I wonder what happened to it?), which meant that they had to use the other version. So Melvin got his way after all.

Singer/comedian Bert Williams [1874?-1922] was one (if not the first) of those black entertainers who was compelled to carry on the tradition of minstrelsy by performing in blackface. I suppose it could have started out as a disguise, since blacks were still not allowed to appear on stage as themselves. But this did give Williams a chance to modify black men’s image by incorporating his own personality and artistry into his minstrel character. When Williams later teamed up with George Walker [1872-1911], they discarded their blackface makeup altogether, billed themselves as “Two Real Coons” and enjoyed a successful partnership for 15 years. Choosing that particular billing was really making a political statement. Instead of those fraudulent impostors that whites had been used to seeing, now you have here the genuine item. They resurrected the Cakewalk in one of their routines, and it subsequently became a very popular dance craze, especially among whites. The dance itself came out of slave times, when the slaves would parody the highfalutin ways and manners of their masters. Of course, the clueless whites did not realize that they were being poked fun at.

Williams and Walker produced and starred in the first all-black musical on Broadway entitled In Dahomey, and in 1910 Williams became the first and only black performer with the Ziegfeld Follies. His hiring did not sit well with some of the company’s other featured acts, however. They approached Mr. Ziegfeld and threatened to quit if he didn’t get rid of the nigger. Ziegfeld stood his ground and called their bluff. He told them that if they left, he could replace any one of them in a minute, but not the very one that they were asking him to get rid of. Good for him! He apparently considered Williams to be a special addition to his production.

Another story tells of Williams going into a New York bar once and asking to be served a drink. The bartender, so as not to refuse Williams’ patronage—I mean, after all, this was not the South—told Williams, “All right, but it will cost you $1000.” Without protest or missing a single beat, Williams reached in his pocket, got out his wallet and laid five one thousand dollar bills on the bar and said, “Give me five drinks.” So there! Although I can appreciate his intent, I don’t like his showing off like that. That bartender disrespects Williams, and then Williams rewards him by giving him $5000? If he didn’t want to serve me, I would have just left and took my business elsewhere. I would show him the money first, though, then tell him, “Oh, you don’t want my money? Then I will give it to somebody else. It’s your loss.”

Now I don’t know if this happened to Williams that particular time, but so he would not go away thinking that he got over on whitey, let’s throw in a little humiliation, why don’t we? It has been reported that the rare occasions that a black man was served at a bar, as soon as he finished his drink and turned to leave, the bartender would smash the glass he used in front of him and the other patrons, who all would then guffaw. That was saying, “No white man will ever drink out of that glass again!” Who would even know if he didn’t tell them? Apparently, washing the glass is not good enough. Nigger cooties are indelible, I suppose.

I finally got to see D.W. Griffith’s 1915 silent epic The Birth of a Nation in its entirety some years ago. The film portrays the nightriders and the Ku Klux Klan as moralistic heroes and the saviors of American society. In fact, the original title upon its initial release was entitled The Clansman, from the novel upon which it was based, but was subsequently changed to The Birth of a Nation, this new title being a cover for “The Rebirth of White Supremacy.”

Most of the “blacks” in the film are portrayed as either ignorant oafs or brutal, savage rapists, whose only raison d’etre is lusting after white women. But get this. These particular black characters are played by white actors in blackface! It was so obvious, too. To me, they looked unmistakably Caucasian; they just had dark makeup on their faces. You see, by using white actors they could depict us any way they want to and perpetuate their own desired image of us. And we had no say-so in the matter.

One of the film’s most controversial scenes depicts a “black” brute chasing a young white woman, with the intent to ravage her. When he catches up with her at the edge of a precipice, she pulls away from him and jumps to her death. The bitch would rather die than allow herself to be touched by a black man! Of course, that’s just wishful thinking on the part of the director and other white males. I contend that most white women feel quite differently about the situation. If truth be told, they are the ones who are always lusting after us, not we them. For all of the white women in this country who are married to black men, even in the South, apparently they didn’t run for the hills when their husbands made their interest toward them known, did they? I certainly have had my share of white women coming on to me, and I ain’t even interested! In the film, the villainous predator is promptly apprehended and lynched, because if he hadn’t been chasing that poor. defenseless girl, she wouldn’t have had to kill herself, would she? It’s all his fault. Kill him!

There is another segment in the film showing what would happen if blacks were allowed to participate in American legislature. A caption card assures us that the following scene depicts “a typical day at a Congressional session in South Carolina.” This time Griffith chose to use real black actors to make his point. Then we are shown these men lazing around in the chamber hall, bare feet up on the desks, eating fried chicken and swigging cheap liquor from a flask. The message conveyed is, “See what will happen if we let them in? Nothing will ever get done.”

The blatant propaganda of the film is intentional and quite influential. Unfortunately though, since much of white moviegoers were not so bright and were unable to discern reality from made-up Hollywood bullshit, they believed everything they saw. If it’s depicted on the screen, it must be true, right? They don’t know any black people personally, so that must be how they really are.

When the film opened in Boston, there was a major protest by the NAACP and a large group of blacks to ban it, but as always happens, this only created more interest and curiosity about the film. Although the film stands out as a paragon of great early filmmaking, its racist subject matter still causes major controversy, even to this day. It also inspired the Ku Klux Klan to resurface to its full potential, after having been pretty much dormant for the prior last half century or so. Incidentally, The Birth of a Nation is the first motion picture ever to be shown at the White House, during the Wilson Administration. President Wilson loved it, I hear.

There was a very popular minstrel character called Jim Crow. Let me tell you how he came about. It was 1828 when a white, blackface stage comedian named Thomas D. Rice [1808-1860], who billed himself as an “Ethiopian Delineator,” had seen a crippled, black man dancing in town one day. So he took the man’s tattered clothes and that night on stage, did an exaggerated imitation of him. The audience ate it up. Then literally hundreds of men started doing the same thing. They tore up their clothes, effected an exaggerated speech dialect, and the Jim Crow routine was born. Eventually, “jim crow” became the epitome of White America’s image of the black man, although it was the whites who created those very images that became associated with us. The broken, incoherent speech, the shuffling, the rolling of the eyes, even the term itself was created by a white man. See how they do us? Jim Crow also refers to the discriminatory laws against black Americans.

This “jimcrovian” image was perpetuated for decades. The black man in films was usually being depicted as either a lazy, shiftless, good-for-nothing, a formidable, threatening buck or an always-frightened, dim-witted buffoon, while the black woman was usually the sexless, domestic mammy figure, who was always dark-skinned, by the way, the darker and more overweight the better. These undesirable images were presented that way on purpose so as to prevent any kind of attraction to the black actors by whites on the set or white folks of the general public. The men were either dismissed or feared and the zaftig mammy maids posed no sexual threat to the white women in the cast.

Your more svelte, lighter-skinned actresses were harder to cast in mixed films, unless she played a cigarette girl, coat check girl or chanteuse in a nightclub. This type fared much better in all-black films, but even then they usually played entertainers or hoochie-mamas. But they’re with their own kind, at least, so it’s all right. If the men weren’t playing their usual characters, they would then be employed in menial or manual labor jobs, like elevator operators, shoe shiners, janitors, porters and train conductors. Since “black” still carried with it a less-than-positive connotation in the early days, in those race films with a musical theme, they would use euphemistic phrases for the lighter-skinned singers, like Lena Horne, “The Bronze Nightingale” or “copper-colored gal,” and their shows were billed as “Sepia Scandals,” although Lena was in no way bronze or copper-colored.

Fine actors like Eddie “Rochester” Anderson, Louise Beavers, Rex Ingram and Ethel Waters always tried at least to instill and maintain some degree of dignity within the limited confines of their characters. One exception, though, was Stepin Fetchit [1892-1985]. I don’t like to be judgmental, but he was a disgrace, in my opinion—bugging his eyes, shuffling and stuttering out ungrammatical, unintelligible inanities. The sad thing about that is, it was really all a clever act. Lincoln Theodore Monroe Andrew Perry (Fetchit’s real name) was not a simpleton at all, and he certainly did not have to sell out like that.

I saw Fetchit in a 1935 Charlie Chan movie. It takes place in Egypt, and I don’t know who his character is supposed to be. But he’s doing his usual slow, slurred speech and being scared of everything. Why is he even there, other than to be just your basic comic relief and object of ridicule? Why couldn’t he have played an archaeologist, scientist or Chan’s assistant, perhaps? I mean, he is there with the others. Make yourself useful.

As a result, though, Perry became a multi-millionaire in the thirties. But I’m sorry, they couldn’t have paid me enough money to degrade myself like that on film. But I suppose that the offer of big money will make some people do almost anything. Then in 1970 Perry had the unmitigated gall to try to sue CBS for “defamation of character” for using clips of his movies as examples of black caricature in American films. Well, duh! How are they defaming his character when he already did that himself? All they were doing was showing the existing material. It was too late then for regret. Didn’t he ever consider that his past actions would come back to haunt him someday? Film is forever. I guess he didn’t expect to outlive his legacy. He did not win his suit, by the way.

The satirical Hollywood Shuffle (1987), written and directed by Robert Townsend (my cousin), and one of my favorite movies, deals with black casting stereotypes and finding decent work for black actors in films. Robert plays an aspiring actor who is up for a supporting role in a low-budget blaxploitation film. The character for this film comes off as a modern-day Stepin Fetchit, dragging around and slow jive-talking. Two of his lines are, “I ain’t be got no weapon” and “I love-ded him.” The script (in the movie-within-a-movie) was written by a white man, of course. At “Bobby’s” callback, one of his co-actors warns him, “This is bullshit. You know that whoever plays this clown character is going to be blasted by the media image groups. I hear that they are going to boycott the film. I’d hate to be in your shoes, man.”

Well, Bobby does get the part, and although his family is glad for him, they are also ashamed that he is playing such a demeaning character. During the first day of shooting his big scene, Bobby has a change of heart and decides that he will not be a sellout after all, so he quits and walks off the set. The director says to the actors still in attendance, “So now we need somebody to play Jimmy.” Remember the pooh-pooh naysayer guy who was trying to discourage Bobby from taking the part? He immediately jumps up and says, “I’ll do it!” So, you see, whatever the part or action is, there is always somebody willing to do it.

Only a little less embarrassing was Willie Best [1916-1962], who was known for several years as “Sleep ‘n’ Eat,” the name of one of the characters he played, and also as “Little Stepin Fetchit.“ I actually liked Willie, though. Once he stopped “sleepin’ ‘n’ eatin’” and started taking on better roles, I realized what a good actor he really was. One of my favorite performances of his was in The Ghost Breakers (1940) with Bob Hope. Willie is Bob’s funny sidekick companion and really his costar, except for Paulette Goddard, who serves as Bob’s romantic interest. Although a comedy, the film is a smart horror mystery as well, with murders, ghosts, and a haunted castle. Willie’s part is integral to the story, and he even foils the villainous killer at the end. His encounter with a scary zombie is especially hilarious.

Willie next appeared in The Body Disappears (1941) where he had another good, comedic supporting role alongside stars Edward Everett Horton and Jane Wyman. He was just about in every scene from the beginning to the end. In addition to being science professor Horton’s chauffeur and manservant, Willie also served as his lab assistant and trusted confidante. In Murder on a Honeymoon (1935), a Hildegard Withers mystery with Edna May Oliver, Willie plays an estate’s groundskeeper who discovers a dead body and then assists Miss Withers in solving the murder.

Another dark-skinned actor, whose real name was Fred Toones [1906-1962], was often billed as “Snowflake”! Can they stop? Although he made over 200 films, he was always cast in service roles, like porters and bootblacks and janitors and elevator operators and such. Mantan Moreland [1901-1973] (Man tan?!) worked a lot in films, but always as the frightened, bug-eyed, comic relief.

It’s so unfortunate that all those talented black actors of that period were resigned to play only those often demeaning, one-dimensional roles for so many years, but I don’t blame the actors themselves. If they wanted to work, it’s what they had to do. They were constantly criticized for selling out, but they couldn’t turn down the generous salaries that they were offered for these roles.

Hattie McDaniel [1895-1952] once said in an interview, “The only choice permitted us is either to be servants for $7.00 a week or portray them for $700.00 a week.” (And she did both.) “So I chose to play a maid rather than be one.” (You go, girl!) Do you blame her? So instead of getting on the actors, those pooh-pooh naysayers should have been challenging the System that was compelling them to do that.

Ms. McDaniel’s maid characters, at least, usually would not take any guff from her white employers. She often sassed them, “threw shade” and disobeyed them in her films, which always lent a comedic aspect to her roles. In George Washington Slept Here (1942), for example, Hattie is maid and cook to Jack Benny and Ann Sheridan, who buy a dilapidated house in the country and move into it. When they all arrive there together, they start loading all these heavy bags and boxes onto “Hester” to carry into the house. She says to Jack, “What am I, a truck?!”

In the comedy-murder mystery The Mad Miss Manton (1938), Hattie plays Hilda, hired maid of wacky socialite Melsa Manton, played by Barbara Stanwyck. During one scene in which Melsa is entertaining some of her friends at her home, one of them asks Hilda to bring her something from the kitchen, and Hilda barks at her, “The kitchen is closed for the night!“ When her employer admonishes her with, “Miss Beverly is our guest,“ Hilda snaps back, “I didn’t ask her up.“ Later, out of annoyed exasperation, Miss Manton orders Hilda to throw a pitcher of cold water in Henry Fonda’s face, which Hilda boldly complies to do. I guess the directors must have felt a bit guilty. “If we’re going to make this wonderfully-talented actor constantly play these typecast parts, I suppose we could let her have some bodacious fun once in a while.”

If you happen to see the film, notice in the end credits that Hattie’s last name is misspelled. They added an “S”. They also did it the year before in Saratoga (1937). Maybe there are others, too, I don’t know. Conversely, the “S” was left off of Louise Beavers’ name in the credits of The Facts of Life (1960). I find that to be inexcusable, that whoever was responsible didn‘t know or care what their names were, and that nobody caught the mistake before the final print. I noticed it right away. Why didn’t anybody else?

As with all the actors under contract, the studio bosses owned Hattie as well, and she had to do what they told her to. They even forbade her to lose any weight, so as to keep her fat and sexless. As a young woman growing up in Denver, Colorado, Hattie performed for years as a singer (she enjoyed much success as a very popular blues singer), dancer and comedienne. She also wrote songs and plays and shows for her own production company in which she performed vaudeville, Shakespeare and other dramatic roles. While in Hollywood, though, she rarely got to display the full range of her talent. All they would ever let her do is play a domestic all the time. Now there were also white maids in many films at the same time, but of course with white actors, they could play other parts as well. Even Margaret Hamilton played house servants during her film career.

In The Wizard of Oz (1939) Hattie could have played the Wicked Witch or even Glinda, for that matter. She could have won her Oscar for that just as well as the other one from that same year. The film takes place in a fantasy world, so why not a black witch? But I guess they thought that would be taking even fantasy too far. I suppose Dorothy’s line to Glinda, “Oh, I beg your pardon, but I’ve never seen a beautiful witch before“ would have been changed to, “…I’ve never seen a big ol’ fat, black witch before.“ No, I don’t suppose you have. Now in the case of the Wicked Witch, who was actually green, not black, it shouldn’t have mattered at all–not then anyway.

To show you how times have changed, now on TV’s “American Horror Story: Coven” Gabourey Sidibé is exactly that, a fat, black witch, with Kathy Bates playing her Southern maid! But even before that, the very dark and corpulent Mabel King played the bad witch, Evilene, in both the original Broadway production and the subsequent movie version of The Wiz.

Hattie did get to do a featured song-and-dance number in the Warner Bros. revue film, Thank Your Lucky Stars (1943), she sang in Show Boat (1936), in Saratoga, Rosetta (1937), The Great Lie (1941), and got to do several songs in Judge Priest (1934), including a duet with Will Rogers. But six times out of the hundreds of films in which she appeared is hardly exemplary. There are probably only a handful of films that Judy Garland and Barbra Streisand did not sing in, for example.

Of course, Gone With the Wind is now considered one of the greatest films ever made. But it was not easy getting it made, and during its two years of production (1937-39) it was fraught with controversy. When the novel by Margaret Mitchell was published in 1936, it sold over a million copies in its first six months of release and went on to win the Pulitzer Prize. Being a Southern belle born and raised in Atlanta, Mitchell wrote her book with a definite pro-Confederate tone, and she even heralded the Ku Klux Klan as the noble defender of the white South during the post-Civil War years. Many were afraid, and rightly so, that the movie would turn out to be another The Birth of a Nation. The film’s producer, David O. Selznick, allowed many interested parties (media journalists, NAACP and black public relations representatives) to step in to advise and oversee the project in order to gain permission and acceptance from the black community to proceed.

The greatest point of contention and biggest concern was about script approval. They wanted to make sure that all offensive material involving the black characters was omitted, including and especially that dreaded “N-word.” Although Selznick fought them on this point, up to actual filming, he finally conceded. Even if they hadn’t backed down, it was reported that Hattie McDaniel, for one, had simply refused to deliver lines containing the offensive epithet. (Good for her!) Whereas the book had “nigger” numerous times throughout, you will notice that the film does not use it once, and there are no Klan scenes either.

I learned that the original script had a scene of the slave character of Prissy, played by Thelma “Butterfly” McQueen [1911-1995], gleefully eating a watermelon. She refused to do that, and it was excluded. I am so glad. Tiring of her Hollywood image, Butterfly retired from films in 1947 and worked at various jobs in between occasional theatrical engagements. She did return to the big screen in 1970 and worked in television, even winning an Emmy Award in 1980 for an ABC After-School Special. At the age of 64, Ms. McQueen received a bachelor’s degree in political science. She died as a result of severe burns when her clothes caught fire while she was trying to light a kerosene heater, burning down her cottage as well. She was 84.

Black veteran actor Lennie Bluett [1919-2016] once reported that when he worked in Gone With the Wind, being not from the South, he was horrified to find signs on the Porto-Potties for the cast and crew which designated “For Colored Only” and “For Whites Only.” He sought out Clark Gable on the set and told him that there was a problem that concerned him and the other blacks in the cast. “They gotta get those signs down or we’re all gonna walk. You can’t get 400 Mexicans out here to look like black people.“ Bluett then took Gable to show him the signs, who became infuriated. He contacted the director, Victor Fleming, and demanded that the signs be taken down immediately or he would walk off the picture, too. They readily complied. This is another instance of standing up for yourself and not letting somebody get away with an injustice.

I am sure that Selznick appreciated appeasing all concerned parties when his film became the huge success that it was, and still is, and even went on to win Best Picture that year. Now thinking that he was such a big deal, at least in Hollywood, Selznick immodestly suggested to his publicity chief that a major university should be invited to bestow an honorary doctorate degree on him. When no major institution could be persuaded to comply, Selznick allegedly responded, “Well, find a minor university who will give me a degree. I’ll be satisfied with that.” Can he stop?!

Things worked out well for Hattie, too. You know, I still find it quite surprising that as early as 1939, with Hollywood being as racist and homophobic as it was (and still is in some instances), that they would not only nominate but actually award an Oscar to a dark-skinned Negress who was rumored to be a sapphist as well! How is this for more studio control? They actually wrote Hattie’s acceptance speech, in the unlikely event that she would win. They wouldn’t even allow her to express her own thoughts. It’s obvious, at least to me, when you hear it, that a white person had a hand in it, especially the part about her being “a credit to my race.” No proud, self-respecting Person-of-Color would ever say such a thing. At least, I hope not. That is strictly Caucasian patronization, as if we need evaluation. What that says is that this person is not your ordinary, everyday Negro nobody, but special, someone we don’t have to be ashamed of. They never say that about themselves, of course. Like, was Katharine Hepburn a credit to her race, for example? Anyway, I think it’s white folks who need to have their credit constantly validated, not us!

When the film had its world premiere in Atlanta in December 1939, none of the black actors from the movie were invited to attend the opening. Furthermore, the Atlanta city officials objected to Hattie McDaniel’s photograph appearing alongside those of her white costars in the film’s souvenir program, so producer Selznick bowed to pressure and had it removed. And although Hattie was allowed to attend the Awards ceremony the next year–she was to win after all–they made her sit at her own table off to the side, rather than letting her mingle with her fellow actors.

As everything happens for a reason, this Award brought with it political ramifications as well. Hattie’s Oscar was a testimony to the truly democratic nature of a society where “people are free to honor noteworthy achievements regardless of creed, race or color.” (Isn’t that white of them?) During such uncertain times, it became a symbol of the difference between the egalitarian ideal of the United States and the totalitarian threat of Nazi Germany. So why did they wait 24 years before they did it again, that is, give another Academy Award to a black person? Hattie was only 57 when she died of breast cancer in 1952.

After her death Hattie willed her Oscar to Howard University, hoping it would inspire the students there to recognize their own potential to success in later life. Well, somebody there did not appreciate the gesture, apparently, because at some point, the statuette came up missing, never to resurface! It was apparently stolen. Maybe some disgruntled individuals resented what the award represented, that it was won for portraying a negative, shameful (in their eyes) character? It’s even been suggested that the Oscar might have been thrown into the Potomac River. At any rate, it is still an unsolved mystery. Fortunately, though, some concerned film historian/archivists have rectified the situation by recreating Hattie’s lost Oscar and displaying it in a special place of honor in the new Academy Museum of Motion Pictures in Los Angeles.

Since there apparently were enough parts to go around, Louise Beavers [1902-1962] would get some of the roles that Hattie McDaniel was unavailable for and vice versa. In No Time for Comedy (1940) Midwestern hayseed, James Stewart, writes a play that is being produced on Broadway. There is a part in the play for a maid, so the leading lady, played by Rosalind Russell, gets her own personal maid, “Clementine,” played by Beavers, to do the part. So she is playing both an actor and a maid in the film. But my question is, which was not discussed in the film, was Clementine being paid more for playing a maid in a Broadway show than being a real one in her off time? Just like Hattie, Ms. Beavers also worked as a real maid before she starting acting as one. Can you imagine my surprise and delight to discover Reform School (1939–what a year that was!) in which Beavers stars (with her name above the title, no less!) as the warden of a youth correctional facility, certainly a departure from her usual roles? In this one she got to dress stylishly and speak articulately and with authority.

One female actor was appropriately named Maidie Norman [1912-1998], because maids and servants are all that she ever played, at least in Hollywood films. She got to play more of a variety of roles on television, and she worked constantly. She is the one that Bette Davis as Jane Hudson murders in What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? (1962). (No surprise there.) I learned that she rewrote her dialogue so that it would not sound stereotypical as it usually does, and I commend her for that. I was surprised, too, to see her in Torch Song (1953) playing personal secretary to tough-as-nails Broadway star Joan Crawford. But I’m not letting you off that easily, Maidie, dear. There are a couple of references to Joan in the film about her dinner plans, which implies that Maidie also serves as Joan’s cook! Wait! Maybe there is more to the women’s relationship than they are telling us. Now if Maidie is also Joan’s “wife,” that would be all right, as it would be expected for her to prepare her lover’s meals. Maidie (her real name!) was no dummy. She earned a master’s degree from Columbia University and taught acting and black studies at UCLA.

Theresa Harris [1906-1985] appeared in over 100 Hollywood films, mostly playing maids, but being an accomplished singer and dancer, like Hattie McDaniel, she did get to display her other talents in several features. It helped that she was a lighter-skinned beauty rather than the dark, mammy type like Beavers and McDaniel.

Lena Horne [1917-2010] proved to be rather a rebel herself. She didn’t work as much as she could have in Hollywood, because she flatly refused to play those demeaning roles and received a lot of flak from the other black actors for doing so. Her beauty and talent were recognized, but the movie moguls didn’t quite know what to do with her. Her musical numbers had nothing to do with the integral plot of the films, therefore they could easily be taken out when the films were shown in Southern venues. Lena hated Hollywood, but she had a 7-year contract with MGM to fulfill. She did get to play some leading roles in the few films that feature an all-black cast, like Stormy Weather and Cabin in the Sky (both 1943), but even that film (the latter) was subject to white racist control.

Lena is introduced in the film taking a bath while singing a song. The studio’s “production code” had the number cut before the film’s release because they felt that an attractive Negro woman in a bubble bath was much too risqué. Please help me to find the rationale in that. Those hypocrites didn’t seem to object to Joan Crawford’s bathtub scene four years earlier in The Women or Lana Turner the year before in Ziegfeld Girl. Is it Lena’s fault if lecherous, white men get turned on by her beauty? I guess they would prefer that movie audiences think that black women never bathe and are always funky and dirty. Thankfully, the current DVD version of the film, as well as frequent airings on TCM, has that scene reinserted, as it is no big deal today.

Lena longed to show her acting skills. Why couldn’t her bosses, she reasoned, cast her in a regular film in a supporting role as somebody’s assistant or best friend or femme fatale, parts that black actors get to play today and no one thinks anything of it? Lena’s greatest disappointment, though, was not being allowed to play Julie in the 1951 remake of Show Boat. She was originally considered for the role, or she thought she was, having already performed one of Julie’s songs in an earlier film (more on that later), but when it came time for the actual casting, they gave the part to her friend, Ava Gardner.

You see, that production code (aka racist white men) ostensibly forbade any type of interracial romance on the screen. That’s why the 1959 film version of Imitation of Life (which I will discuss in more detail in a moment), I Passed for White (1960) and Pinky (1949), which all involve fair-skinned black women passing for white, all employed white actors to play the main character, because the films include implied miscegenation. I’ve said that life imitates art. Ironically, in the story (Show Boat) the character Julie herself is a singer/actor who is banned from performing on the showboat with the other white actors, when it is discovered that she is part-Negro. One would hope that so-called well-meaning people would make an attempt to right past injustices when they have the power to do so.

During a USO appearance at a training camp in the South during World War II, Lena refused to perform when she discovered that German prisoners-of-war had been seated in the front rows while black American soldiers had been relegated to the back. She complained to the local NAACP as well as to the Hollywood sponsors of her tour, who then refused to pay her. From that point on Lena paid her own way whenever she performed for black troops.

Jazz pianist/vocalist Nina Simone [1933-2003] had a similar experience when she was giving her first piano recital in 1945 in Tryon, North Carolina. Her parents were sitting in the front row of the concert hall when they were forced to go to the back of the house, to make room for some white folks. Nina “jumped man” and told them that she would not perform until her parents were let back into their front row seats.

Harry Belafonte [1927-2023], too, discovered, when he spent two weeks in the Navy brig with other black sailors and some German POWs, that things were not equal. The white prisoners weren’t required to do any work, they were served better food, and they got to wear their own clothes, rather than those rough, prison-issued uniforms. In matters of race relations, even the white wartime enemy were treated with more respect than our own black defenders. These black soldiers must have felt that they were fighting on the wrong side. They were grateful at least to Lena for now having a movie star whose picture they could put up in their lockers and such, as they wouldn’t dare display any white actresses.

Lena was given a classy musical number, “Love,” in Ziegfeld Follies (1946), which was considered by many to be one of the highlights of the entire film. When it played in Birmingham, Alabama, the composer of the song, Hugh Martin, a Birmingham boy himself, flew there from Hollywood to attend the premiere. He took his entire family, eager for them to hear Lena sing his song. But the number was gone! Puzzled, Martin asked the theater manager what happened and was told, “Oh, down here we don’t want to see a lot of niggers writhing around.” (?!) How does one person constitute “a lot”? And Lena doesn’t “writhe” when she sings any more than do the white stars of the film. What they really mean is that they don’t want to see “any,“ unless we are catering to them in some way. And of course, that guy was speaking for every person who lives in the South, as if they all are of the same mind and sentiment. He is lying anyhow, because they do so enjoy seeing black people writhe around, or dance, in other words.

Martin was devastated by the omission, but I don’t know why he should be so surprised. Being from there, he should have known how things were. Similarly, in Memphis, Tennessee the scene was excised with the declaration, “No film shall appear in a Memphis theater as where a Negro is shown mingling with whites, unless, of course, the Negro is in the role of a maid or butler, and then their every spoken word must be prefaced with ‘Sir or Ma‘am.’” The censors axed a scene in The Sailor Takes a Wife (1946) that showed Robert Walker tipping his hat toward Eddie Anderson. They can’t allow a white man to show any kind of courteous respect to a black person. What is their problem?! I suppose they think that if such a thing is depicted in a film, it will give some whites the idea that it would be all right to do it in real life. We can’t have that.

This same Hugh Martin served as Lena’s vocal coach for a time. One day he asked her to look at one of his songs, “That’s How I Love the Blues.” Reading through the lyrics, Lena came across the line, “Like a darkie loves cornbread.” In his Southern naiveté, Martin thought that it was an acceptable word. Seeing Lena gasp and clutch her pearls, he then realized his error. But I don’t even buy his feigned innocent intent, because despite his word choice, what is his point anyway? Is he under the impression that blacks have a higher enthusiasm for cornbread than any other ethnic group? The sentiment sounds racist, no matter what term he used. (Like we all don’t love watermelon, either!) He might have used one of his own stereotypes and said instead, “Like a hillbilly loves moonshine.” Understandably, Lena passed on promoting this particular song. Thankfully, when the song was eventually featured in Best Foot Forward on Broadway in 1941 and sung by Rosemary Lane, that controversial line was either cut or changed to something less offensive.

It seems that what was acceptable at one time in this country is not so tolerated anymore. The New York Yankees recently discovered that singer Kate Smith [1907-1986] has a history of popularizing songs containing racist lyrics and sentiment. As a result, the team’s officials have chosen to discontinue playing Smith’s recording of “God Bless America” before their games. The Philadelphia Flyers have followed suit and have even covered up the statue of Smith which stands outside the Wells Fargo Center.

One of the songs that is causing all the hoopla is “That’s Why Darkies Were Born,” which was written by Ray Henderson and Lew Brown and introduced in 1931 in the Broadway revue George White’s Scandals. Kate Smith’s recording of it became a big hit. I suppose it was meant to be satirical, but I believe that a lot of people misinterpreted the intent. # Someone had to pick the cotton; / Someone had to pick the corn; / Someone had to slave and be able to sing; / That’s why darkies were born. # You get the idea. I also suppose that people took a different take on it when Paul Robeson [1898-1976] recorded the song. Kate then did another song called “Pickaninny Heaven,” which encourages little colored children to fantasize about this idyllic place where they will find “great, big watermelons” and other favorite treats. Both songs can be found on YouTube.

I find it so silly, though, and pointless to take issue with something that occurred 90 years ago, and since the woman is dead now, why punish her for something that she can’t do anything about? I don’t think that anyone in their right mind would dare to sing those songs in public today, even in jest, but the ’30s was another time.

There seems to be a rise in newfound Caucasian sensitivity and awareness, resulting from apparent racial guilt, I guess. Whenever anyone says or does something racially controversial, it’s more often than not other whites who call them on it and attempt to impose appropriate sanction on our behalf. It does not bother us as much, at least not me, because we are used to it. We have been getting it all of our lives. They haven’t said anything that we have not heard before. Why are you all so offended? They are not referring to you. I do appreciate their awareness and willingness to call people on their shit, but they will go as far as imposing punishment to the person rather than a simple verbal reprimand. Okay, they made a mistake, you told them, now let it go.

Another exception of defiance was Dorothy Dandridge [1923-1965]. She was the first female black actor to obtain star status in mainstream Hollywood films in the fifties. They even let her have an interracial romance with Curt Jurgens in 1959’s Tamango and with John Justin in Island in the Sun two years before that. Dorothy and Stuart Whitman actually kissed in The Decks Ran Red (1958), but her character was supposed to be Maori, not Afro-American. See how fickle the Hollywood execs are? There seems to be an exception to every rule they set up. And since Tamango was made in France, I guess the French were not so hung up about the interracial thing.

There were protest groups who were always trying to get the Hollywood movie studios to address and change their attitude about the black images and stereotypes that they perpetuated on the screen. But they would always try to justify their stubbornness by saying that they wanted to appease Southern sensibilities, whose moviegoers they claimed were their most faithful fans and biggest supporters, by maintaining their strict racist practices and the status quo. Of course, that’s bullshit. They knew that people outside of the Southern states went to movies just as much as anybody else, and that the South didn‘t have enough power to make or break a film. They were only passing the buck in an attempt to cover up their own racist agenda. Those movie moguls made their own rules. They never let the common public dictate to them how they should run things. They themselves set the standards of convention and movie protocol and expected us to go along with whatever they presented to us. They didn’t seem to figure out until decades later that when they finally did start putting People-of-Color in prominent and diverse movie roles, it only increased the movie-going public all over the country, not just in the South, which contributed only a tiny amount of profit anyway.

One of my favorite pair of movies, because of their story content and sentimental value, racist though they are (it’s Hollywood; how can you avoid it?), is Imitation of Life (1934 and 1959). Although the two versions differ in certain aspects of the plot, basically it is about two young, single mothers (widows), one black, one white, each with a young daughter about the same age, who meet and become lifelong housemates and companions. In the earlier version, with Louise Beavers and Claudette Colbert [1905-1996], the two get rich from marketing Aunt Jemima’s, I mean, Delilah’s fabulous pancake recipe. (It was waffles in the original novel.) But Delilah wants no share of the profits, preferring to remain with Colbert in a semi-servile capacity and justifying her attitude with pious phrases about staying in her place and accepting her lot in life. Now although it was Delilah’s recipe that she developed and made into the very successful and lucrative business that it became and, of course, did most of the work, she was offered only 20% interest in the corporation anyway. I expect that the white viewing audience would not have liked her to receive more than that, if even that much.

One of her most frequent, pointless reminders to her rebellious daughter is, “I’s yo’ mammy!” No wonder the girl keeps running away! Fannie Hurst [1889-1968], the author of the story, was hurt by the harsh criticism she received about the black characters. She claimed that she had portrayed them with “integrity and accuracy” (yeah, right; every black mother that I have ever known utters “I’s yo’ mammy” to their grown children), and that Negroes should be grateful to her for discussing black problems in her work. Well, please don’t do us any fucking favors, Mary, er, Fannie! Some white people think they know more about the black experience and how black people feel than we do ourselves.

The subplot of both films involves the fair-skinned daughter of the black woman, who is ashamed of her mother and is always trying to pass for white. Ms. Hurst and the white scriptwriters tried their best constantly to convey the message that why would anybody want to be black if they didn’t have to be? The modern concept of black pride was inconceivable to whites in those days. Some still cannot comprehend it. The character of Peola/Sarah Jane was so self-loathing, and she blamed her mother’s color for all her unhappiness. She had no self-pride, only misery for being born the way she was.

In the girl’s defense, however, her passing was often a passive act (if you will pardon the pun) on her part. One early scene in both films has Peola/Sarah Jane’s mother bringing galoshes and umbrella to her daughter at school because it’s raining out. When the teacher informs the woman that she has no colored children in her class, Delilah/Annie proceeds to point her out, which humiliates the girl, and she runs out of the classroom. She later tells her mother when she scolds the child for passing, “They didn’t ask, so why should I say anything?“ I’m with her. If people want to perceive someone to be who they are not, that’s their doing. It’s only dishonesty if they ask directly if she is black and she outright denies it. Why should the girl go around announcing to everyone she encounters in life that she is not white? Who does that? “‘Scuse me, suh. I shouldn’t be sitting up here front with you good white folks. I’s colored. Put me back there with my own kind.” If no one asks, there is no reason to volunteer that information. Let people think what they want.

Interestingly, the very fair-skinned black actor Fredi Washington [1903-1994] was cast to play Peola, but as she has no romantic scenes with a white man, there was no problem. The later version, however, cast white actor (well, half-Mexican anyway) Susan Kohner to play Sarah Jane, even though she does not have any intimate scenes with her white boyfriend, played by Troy Donahue. Just the fact that it was only implied that they had been intimate off-screen, prompted that particular casting. When the two started seeing each other in secret, of course Sarah Jane let Troy assume that she was a white girl. She had planned on never telling him the truth and had even contemplated marriage. Did she honestly think that her mother’s identity would never come up?

When Troy finds out–apparently all his friends knew and told him–he does not take too kindly to the news. He even beats up Sarah Jane for deceiving him. Now if she had been upfront with the guy in the first place, she would have known that he is a racial bigot and would not have anything to do with him. Of course, now that even wouldn’t be an issue, at least not to that extent. I suppose that Douglas Sirk, the director, could have made it a non-issue as well, but that would have steered the story in a different direction. He apparently wanted the lack of black pride to be his main theme.

In this remake version, Lana Turner [1920-1995] gets rich on her own by becoming a famous stage cum film actress, while costar Juanita Moore [1914-2014] contently remains her housekeeper, personal maid, nanny, best friend and confidante. But there is one aspect of the two women’s relationship, in both versions, that seems so unrealistic to me and irritates me every time I see it. And that is that even after 12 years of living in New York in the same house together as friends (supposedly), and up until her dying day, Juanita’s character still addressed Lana’s character as “Miss Lora.” Now it’s all right for Lora to call the black woman just “Annie,” but why did Annie, a grown woman herself and even older, have to call the white woman “Miss Lora” and Lana’s boyfriend (played by John Gavin) “Mister Steve,” who she’s known just as long? She even calls Lora’s daughter (played by Sandra Dee) “Miss Susie,” but Susie, even while she was a child, was never required to call the older woman “Miss Annie,” out of elder respect, if nothing else.

Now in the South it was customary to address young, unmarried ladies by their first names with “Miss” in front of it–even the whites did it with each other–but this movie was set in New York, not Mississippi, and it’s 1959, mind you! Although Annie (and Delilah before her), did work for the other woman, she wasn’t exactly her servant, but rather her roommate, who kept house and cooked for them by choice. Adding that “Miss” and “Mister” is just Hollywood’s way for blacks always to show the required respect to their fellow white actors (even children) and to white society, in general, but not to receive, or even expect, any in return themselves. Who in real life would be doing that at that point in time and in that situation? It was an honored Hollywood tradition that they were unwilling to give up. What’s more is that Lora allowed it. She never once tells Annie, “Please drop the ‘Miss’ bit and just call me Lora. And that goes for Steve and Susie, too. This is the 1950s, and we are not in the South. You are a member of this family. We are equals.“ That’s the speech that is missing from the script.

One scene shows Annie giving Lora a foot massage. She must have been so achy and tired after sitting around all day on the movie set, you see. Now Annie has been on her feet all day cooking and cleaning that big house of theirs, and she is already ill. Why isn’t Lora giving Annie the foot massage?! She claims to care about her so much. But a white person actually touching a black person’s bare feet? Heavens forbid! They would never allow such a thing to be depicted on film. But why not? What difference should it make who is touching and comforting whom? It’s the same bodily contact, flesh on flesh. It is just the act itself that causes pause. You see, blacks are supposed, no, expected, to service and pamper the whites, not the other way around. But friends are supposed to have equal social status with each other. There is no equality there, however.

The actors themselves could have protested. I had wondered if any of them ever attempted to defy the producers and scriptwriters, or did they just accept the disrespect? I have since learned that many of them did protest. As she had done with Gone With the Wind, Hattie McDaniel, and Louise Beavers, too, on other occasions both demanded that certain objectionable material in their scripts be taken out or changed. I can only suppose that Ms. Moore, in her case, did not think that this indignation was worth fighting for.

I did notice a positive change in 1975, when, in Funny Lady, the Fanny Brice biopic sequel to Funny Girl (1968), Fanny’s longtime black handmaid, dresser and confidante, Adele, played by Royce Wallace [1925-1992], actually got to address Fanny as just “Fanny,” with no “Miss” in front of it. I wonder if that was Herbert Ross’, the director, decision, or unlike Lana Turner, maybe Barbra Streisand spoke up and brought it to their attention. But it must have been Ross’ decision to stage the big production number in the film, “It’s Gonna Be a Great Day,” using a large ensemble of black chorines performing right alongside Barbra, instead of the usual all-white troop. I was pleasantly surprised and pleased by that. But since this was supposed to be the early ’30s, the scene had to have been contrived.

When Lena Horne made a guest appearance on the popular ‘40s radio show “Duffy’s Tavern,” a comedy about a goofy bartender, staff members who saw the script told the star, Ed “Archie” Gardner, “You can’t let that Negro woman call you ‘Archie.’ She should call you either ‘Mr. Archie’ or ‘Mr. Gardner.’“ Lena refused. After considerable debate, they reached a compromise. On the air, they just didn’t call each other anything.

To show you that this convention must be a white thing, in the autobiographical The Learning Tree (1969), for instance, which was written, produced and directed by black filmmaker Gordon Parks [1912-2006], and takes place in 1920s Kansas, an elderly female character calls the sheriff of the small town by just his first name. No “Mister” required, as she probably has known the guy all his life. And she, as well as the other blacks in the film, use proper English when they speak. So you see, if you want to know how black people really behave, let them make their own movies.

In 1938’s Jezebel, however, Bette Davis’ southern belle character was addressed as “Miss Julie” not only by the plantation slaves but also by all the white characters as well. Even her suitors, Henry Fonda’s being one, called her Miss Julie. More recently, although set in the ’30s, in the second remake of King Kong (2005) the black First Mate on the ship (a surprise in itself), played by Evan Parke, is always addressed by cabin boy Jamie Bell as “Mr. Hayes,” and he in turn calls the boy just “Jimmy,” as he should.

Another film about passing is Lost Boundaries (1949), and based on a true story, in which Mel Ferrer [1917-2008] portrays a Negro doctor passing for white, along with his wife and two grown children. Only in this one the children don’t know that they are black, because their parents never told them. The family is living in a small town in New Hampshire, and everybody just loves their doctor! He and his wife have won over the whole town. Their son is a musician/composer whose collaborator and friend is a black man, and their daughter reveals herself as a bigot. So after twenty years when Sonny Boy tries to enlist in the Navy, their secret finally gets out, as all secrets eventually do. And of course, there is a major change of attitude in the town. But why? They are the same people, so what’s different?

The fact that the actors portraying this family are so white in appearance and demeanor, nobody would take them as being anything other than that. The problem must have nothing to do with skin color. So what is it, then? Perhaps it has more to do, in this particular case, with people’s objection to deception and purported desire for integrity. They didn’t like the fact that they all had been deceived by the doc. But if he had told them the truth up front, would they have been as accepting and welcoming by the townspeople? Somehow I doubt it. It’s another case of damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don’t. You can’t win either way. They all did come around to forgiveness and re-acceptance by the end, however.

I did find it interesting, although a bit disturbing, when Doctor Mel tells his son, who is about 20-years-old, that he is in fact a Negro, the young man is devastated by the news. He even cries when the realization sinks in. His sister, too, is quite upset, although her boyfriend does not care that she is a Negro. She is the one with the problem about it. But I was wondering what did the kids’ parents tell them about black people all the while they were growing up that they would have such a negative and shameful opinion about them? I would think that they, of all people, would have taught their own children about racial tolerance and acceptance. But the fact that they were passing and didn’t even reveal the truth to their own children, they must have been harboring a lot of shame themselves. I mean, it didn’t bother me in the least when I discovered that I am black! White writers and others just don’t get the concept of black pride. They seem to think, who in the world would choose to be black if they could be white instead?

I have not read the original novel, so I don’t know if it was handled in the same way, but I once saw a filmed adaptation of Robinson Crusoe (1997) starring Pierce Brosnan in the title role. When shipwrecked Crusoe eventually encounters a black native on the island, they are at first wary of each other, and it takes them a while to gain some sort of mutual trust. Since this black “savage,” as Crusoe keeps referring to him—although Crusoe himself is the one with several firearms in his possession, going around shooting at everything—does not understand English, they do the “Me-Tarzan-You-Jane” exchange by way of introduction. Robinson points to the other man and tells him that he will be called “Friday.” He then points to himself and says that he should be called “Master.”

I suppose I should take into consideration that the book was written in 1717, but really now! This white man invades an already-inhabited tropical island, they’re both survivors fending for their lives, but his being white gives him the right to define class distinction, you see. No equality here! “Me, Master, you, Slave.” And this was not the American South either. Then Crusoe, as self-appointed missionary, has the chauvinistic audacity to try to convert Friday over to his culture, his religious beliefs and way of thinking, as if his is the right and only way to be. I expect that the author Daniel Defoe wrote Friday as a black man, so that rightly he could be a servant and underling to the more important white main character.

In the jungle safari movies, with Tarzan, Bomba and the like, the native guides and others often address their fellow white characters as “Bwana,” which is Swahili for “Master.” I wonder if they really do that, or is that just the white scriptwriters’ doing? I have heard even the tribal chiefs in these films call these white men Bwana when it’s the lowly commoners who should be calling the chiefs that! It’s as if telling them, “I don’t care what your status or high authority is in your own village, compared to the Almighty White Man, I am still your Master.”

In The Defiant Ones (1958) Tony Curtis [1925-2010] and Sidney Poitier [1927-2022] are escaped convicts who are chained together and on the lam. But even though Tony’s character is a poor, uneducated redneck and in the same social situation as his black costar, he still considers himself superior by the mere fact that he is white. That is the only difference about them. That attitude epitomizes white supremacy. “Neither of us has a pot to piss in, but the fact that you’re black and I’m white, makes me better than you.”

When I watch old Hollywood movies, especially the MGM musicals, I am so acutely aware of the blatant lack of black people in every scene. In all of these films, specifically the ones set in major cities like New York, Los Angeles and Chicago, the street scenes are completely devoid of People-of-Color! How could that be? I mean, we see them in their capacity as servants, laborers and the like, so no matter what kind of job they have, they must go out in public some time! That porter does not live on the train around the clock. They maintain homes, travel to and from work and shop just like everybody else. Where can you go in any of these cities and not ever encounter blacks, Latinos and Asians at any given time and place? For years it has made us all feel that we don’t even exist.

One prime example is “I Love Lucy,” one of my favorite TV series of all time and one which every episode I have seen more than a few times. Although the show is set in Manhattan (it was actually produced in Hollywood), with trips across the country to “California,” Miami and even Cuba, we never encountered a single person-of-color during the nine years it aired its 192 first-run episodes. Everyone knows that there were loads of black people in New York, even in the fifties. Of course, every other show of that period was the same way, so I am only singling out that one as an example.

The same can be said of films from the ’40s and ’50s with a high school or college setting, that apparently have no students other than whites going there. They apparently were set in all-white towns or segregated schools. One exception would be Blackboard Jungle (1955), whose student body includes blacks, Latinos and even Jews! What, no blacks ever attended college? Or maybe those that did, attended only the all-black colleges.

In Billy Wilder’s The Apartment (1960) Jack Lemmon’s character works as a clerk in a huge New York company that boasts “31,259 employees,” all white! That is so unrealistic. Even in the sixties, black women worked as secretaries, receptionists and clerks. Although I did get a glimpse of a black janitor in one scene, and a black man is shining Fred MacMurray‘s shoes in another, even the building’s elevator operators are white, one being played by Shirley MacLaine.

Another corporation-set movie musical is How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying (1967), directed by David Swift. The opening shot of the film is Times Square during weekday rush hour, and we next see a lot of people emerging from the subway–but not a single dark face in the crowd. I mean, didn’t any black folks or Asians ride the subways in the ‘60s? Was that off-limits to us, too? The big “Worldwide Wicket Company” of the story was all-white, including all the employees–executives, secretaries, mailroom personnel, everybody. There aren’t any people-of-color even in menial service positions, as I could see. Of the thousands of people we see on Manhattan streets on a daily basis, I spied only one token black man in one shot.

How hard was it, when rounding up extras for crowd scenes, to extend the casting calls to include all ethnic types, instead of restricting it to only whites? That is what they do now. It was not enough attention to detail, on the part of the directors, in my opinion. It’s New York City, and naturally, there will be a lot of people on the street. So, hire a lot of extras to effect a bit of realism. But not just anybody. Take it a step further and hire a cross-section of typical citizens of all ethnicities, if you want true realism. Believe me, somebody will notice if they don’t, and especially if they do.

In Bachelor in Paradise (1961) Bob Hope is a writer whose assignment is to do a book on how “Americans” live. His publisher sends him to a housing development in California where reside “a cross-section of typical America.” So then why is this residential community populated entirely by white folks, not a single black, Asian or Latino in sight? Hollywood seems to want to promote the notion that America is run and controlled by white people alone. Well, isn’t it? Please realize that I am speaking in the present past. Of course, things have changed considerably since the ’60s, before and after.

In The Horn Blows at Midnight (1945) trumpeter Jack Benny dreams he is an angel, and there is a scene of him in Heaven as a member of the Heavenly Choir and Orchestra. The screen is filled with thousands of angel extras, but there is not one dark face in the crowd! So Hollywood Heaven (just like the Mormon Heaven) is populated entirely with white people. Well, really, there must be more than one Heaven then, because in The Green Pastures (1936) all the Heavenly inhabitants are Negro. So it must be that, like everywhere else in the movies, Heaven has to be segregated, too. The moguls might even have rationalized it by reasoning that “God” is a racial segregationist, so then it’s all right for them to be as well.

But then there is the 1934 Al Jolson feature, Wonder Bar. I have not seen the whole film, only some excerpts. There is a sequence of Jolson in blackface, who “goes” to Heaven, which is populated by other white actors in blackface. As befitting white man’s idea of a black Heaven, we see pork chop trees and watermelons everywhere. We sho’ loves our watermelon, don’t they know!

Since motion pictures and TV, too, are white-controlled mediums, they wanted to present the world from their own desired viewpoint. It has always been the case of deliberate and accepted racism by the industry and the general public. They didn’t even make an attempt at any kind of realism by rounding up a bunch of colored folks for use as extras, although at any one time there were over 15,000 black actors registered with Central Casting. But why go to all that trouble? Just use the plethora of white folks that the studios already have on hand.

Of course, when they did films that required all-black casts, they didn’t have any trouble finding them. In Carmen Jones (1954), for instance, there is a boxing match scene with hundreds of extras in attendance, all black, not a single white face in the bunch. Don’t white people attend public boxing matches? And this was supposed to be Chicago, too. I mean, even whites attend the Apollo Theater in Harlem. The Hollywood producers just did not like to encourage and depict racial integration in the movies. I mean, it was bad enough when they put one black person among an all-white cast, they certainly weren’t going to subject a few white guys to mingle with a whole slew of blacks. They just didn’t care what we thought about that. We all were aware of what was going on, but hardly anybody did anything about it for decades.

In Two Tickets to Broadway (1951) there is a scene of a trapeze act performing. And instead of using real people as spectators, they put up a painted backdrop with just faces on it. But every face, all hundreds of them, are obviously Caucasian! I mean, they couldn’t even diversify a painting, but chose to segregate visual art as well. I suppose they knew that no people-of-color would ever patronize a circus, or more likely be allowed to attend. That goes for all theatrical and sporting events, apparently: stage shows, plays, recitals, operas, ballet. According to those old films, black people had no interest in live entertainment. That just was not our thing, I guess. We had better things to do with our time. Like attending to the white folks’ needs and desires as their servants and being at their beck and call, like toting their baggage and shining their shoes. We did see them occasionally as spectators, but they always would be with their own kind.

But as there are always exceptions to everything, I was quite surprised, while watching Bells Are Ringing (1960) one night and in the more recent Florence Foster Jenkins (2016), to see not one or two, but several black extras for the Manhattan street scenes in the movies. Of course, they didn’t have any lines, they were only there for show, but at least directors Vincente Minnelli and Stephen Frears thought enough to include them.

There is a scene on a train in The Palm Beach Story (1942) that may seem normal on the surface, but as I don’t miss anything, I noticed the racist element, even though they were trying to be subtle about it. There is a loud, drunken group of men from a hunting club on the train, who with their shotguns are shooting up the place and causing a ruckus. You know that the conductors during this period are usually all black, as they are in most instances. But when it comes time to try to restore order from the rowdy bunch, all of a sudden several white conductors show up and order the men back to their cabins and berths. You see, a black man could not tell a white person what to do, not that they would obey him anyway. They repeatedly ignore the black bartender on hand (played by Snowflake, by the way), when he tries to get them to stop what they are doing. Who the hell is he to order them around? So they needed some white extras to do it for them. Then after they accomplish that little job, they miraculously disappear from then on, and all we see are the black conductors again.

Another cinematic contrivance that comes to mind is Storm Warning (1951). New York model, Ginger Rogers, stops in a small, southern town to visit her sister, Doris Day, and witnesses the local Ku Klux Klan committing a murder of an out-of-town reporter. We see that the town is not entirely all-white, as I did spy a few dark faces in one crowd scene, but none of them are the targets of the Klan’s aggression. People-of-color are not even mentioned at all in the entire film. So who are they against, then? The murdered victim is a non-Jewish white man, who was there to do an exposé on the Klan. They even attempt to lynch Ginger at some point. Except for the men involved, the other townspeople are quite upset about what has happened to that poor, victimized white man. I couldn’t help wondering, if the victim had been some black person, would the same people have been as concerned and would there even be an investigation? I somehow doubt it. I mean, that’s what they do as a regular thing down there, isn’t it? The whole thing just did not ring true with me.

Ronald Reagan is on hand as a resident district attorney trying to get the goods on the Klan’s activities. He seems to be the only one in town who is not a member. To me, they were merely an angry mob disguised as the Klan. They did not appear to be racist. The controversy is that the actual killer turns out to be Ginger’s brother-in-law, Steve Cochran. Should she turn his butt in or keep quiet in deference to her pregnant sister who claims to love this murderous brute? I won’t tell you how it all ends.

I would like movies to be a reflection of real life. They all shouldn’t be fantasies. Even at the present day, I don’t think that any movie has achieved complete realism in its script, screen images or casting. I still hear and see things that happen only in the movies. (Check out my blog entitled, Cinematic Pros and Cons.)

To illustrate further my point about racial non-mixing in early films, I watched Flying Down to Rio (1933) a while ago, and the extended “Carioca” number I noticed to be in three distinct parts. It starts out with all lily-white men and women (supposedly North American tourists) dancing together in a nightclub to the tune, including a pas de deux turn by Fred and Ginger, in their first film pairing together. When that group has cleared the set, another group of male and female dancers in native costume come out, and this bunch still looks Caucasian for the most part, although there may be a few Latinos thrown in for good measure, with a Latina girl singer to perform the lyrics of the song. I had just commented to myself that this was supposed to be Brazil, which is populated by many black people, too, even in the ‘30s, and there is nary a one in this entire place!

When I thought that this production number was ending, I was redeemed when the scene switches to another singer, definitely black this time, who sings the whole song through again, accompanied by a troupe of black male and female dancers. But what is strange about this segment is that although the music is playing all the while, with the same audience looking on, this new group is not in the same area as the previous one. When the scene subsequently switches back and forth between the black dancers and the quasi-Hispanic ones, I saw definitely that they were on two different sets. So, they wouldn’t let the whites and the faux Latinos dance together, but at least they could use the same space, just not at the same time. But the blacks couldn’t even use the same space but had to be filmed on another set entirely! Even though the filmmakers chose to depict the ethnic diversity of Rio de Janeiro, they didn’t want everybody mingling together. And since it was obvious to anyone watching that scene, I am sure that the director purposely wanted the theatergoers to notice that the sets were different, so that no one could complain, “How dare they let those coloreds use the same dance area as the whites!“

In Royal Wedding (1951) Fred Astaire [1889-1987] and Jane Powell [1929-2021] perform a song and dance number about Haiti. Since Haiti is 95% black and the other 5% are mixed, why is the entire ensemble used in the number all white?! They are in London and are using locals for their show, and I am sure that there are black performers in London, as in every other big city. The whole thing just did not make sense to me. I mean, why set it in Haiti and then not feature the people of that country? That would be like if they did, for example, “The Harlem Shuffle” and didn’t use any black folks. They didn’t have to do that Haitian number. If they prefer white folks, then pick something less exotic and set it somewhere that is predominately-white.

Since we know that movies do not always reflect real life, I suppose if they never show the different races mixing in everyday society on the screen—except, of course, for the peripheral subservient parts—then it must be okay, even publicly sanctioned, that we not integrate in real life either. It’s no wonder then that this same attitude was practiced at the studios. Some of the black contract players have reported that social race-mixing was pretty rare, off, as well as on, the set. “I have to work with you, it’s part of my job, but I don’t have to socialize with you on my off time.”

It even carried over to the early years of television. But as usual, their practices on racial issues often proved to be fickle. When one of the networks deigned to allow Harry Belafonte to do a special variety show one night, it fared so well that they offered him his own weekly series. Harry’s very first show featured a song and dance number which utilized a troupe of black and white dancers. This sent the sponsor, Revlon, into a tizzy. It was all right for all the dancers to be one or the other, but they can’t have black and white dancing together like that. What is their problem? One would think that it would help sales of their products because viewers would salute the progress they were making rather than be repulsed by it.

Nat King Cole [1919-1965] was granted his own 15-minute variety TV show in 1956, and although it proved quite popular with a vast number of viewers, aired in an ideal time slot and featured top guest artists, he couldn’t get a sponsor to keep the show on the air. In addition, many stations in the South did all they could to get the show cancelled. They wrote hateful letters to the producers and convinced local stations not to air the show. Some people tend to think that everybody in the world thinks the same way as they do. If there is something on the tube that you don’t like, just don’t watch it. You don’t have to go out of your way to insist that others should not watch it either. I just don’t understand how certain whites can be so against or threatened by a black person’s desire to excel or by their public visibility.

Spike Lee once recounted in an interview how when he goes to the major movie studios to meet with the bigwigs to discuss a directing project, they tend to hire Negroes to sit in on the meetings. They don’t have anything to contribute, however. They just sit there and nod their heads and “hm-hm” every now and then. It’s obvious to Spike that they are there only for show. The moguls don’t want Mr. Lee to be the only black person present. Word might get out, you see.

In the more-sanctioned movie world, black actors had to display their talents in films where all the performers were black. It was merely a way for white racist filmmakers to promote racial segregation via the medium of the movies. Even when Hollywood produced these so-called “race films” with the all-black casts and which were intended specifically for black audiences, the types of roles depicted were still from the aspect of American white society. There were always singing and dancing and gambling and partying in a nightclub. Not that we don’t do any of those things, but that is not the only things we do.

Stormy Weather has the same production values and caliber as any other MGM musical, but done with an all-black cast instead of white. The talent is apparent, with Lena and Bill Robinson, Fats Waller, Cab Calloway and the Nicholas Brothers; even the chorines and musicians are all top-rate. But they never considered using these same performers in their all-white musicals. The white audiences didn’t mind these race films, as they, too, enjoyed being entertained by talented blacks, as long as they were doing it with their own kind.

The wartime Warner Brothers production Thank Your Lucky Stars (1943) is basically a musical showcase for the studio’s contract players, many of them performing as themselves. The thin plot involves a staged show in a theater, and as usual, the musical numbers feature your all-white chorus of dancers when stars like Eddie Cantor, Bette Davis and Errol Flynn are singing. But there is also an elaborate number (“Ice-Cold Katie”) featuring Hattie McDaniel (one of her few opportunities to display her musical talents) and Willie Best, but using an all-black ensemble this time. I was thinking, in a real-life situation and with budgetary considerations, who would go to such extravagance to hire a completely separate troupe of chorines for one number when a smaller mixed group could handle this one and all the other numbers as well? Blacks and whites simply were not allowed to mingle on screen. But I say, Why the hell not? What is the problem? Then for the finale of the show (in the film) all the featured players are gathered on stage for a tableau curtain call. Well, all the whites are present–the black ensemble is conspicuously missing, however–but there is Hattie perched on her own private platform, alone and separate from the other participants.

Again, there are always exceptions for every convention that the studios set up. Bill “Bojangles” Robinson [1878-1949] did get to dance with Shirley Temple a few times, but since she was just a little girl, it was allowed. No sexual impropriety there, you see. Another instance is in The Band Wagon (1953), when Fred Astaire does a dance duet with a black man, Leroy Daniels [1928-1993], who is and really was a shoe shiner. But since they are both grown men, I guess that must be all right, too. Still another later example of racial commingling on screen is in Sweet Charity (1969), in which a white woman, (Shirley MacLaine), a Latina (Chita Rivera) and an Afro-American (Paula Kelly) have a rousing song and dance number together. But they are all the same sex, too, so again, it‘s all right. This time it’s Bob Fosse at the helm.

It appears that director Vincente Minnelli did not have a problem with using black people in his films, as I cited earlier. His very first directing assignment was Cabin in the Sky. The Pirate (1948) is set on a Caribbean island, and a fair number of black extras can be spotted throughout the film. Gene Kelly choreographed a fantastic dance routine with the Nicholas Brothers, and because of all the hard work put into the number, he insisted that it not be cut when shown in certain venues. Those southern dissenters would just have to get over themselves. But with keeping with Hollywood standards, all of Kelly’s other song and dance numbers which involve women, feature all white performers.

The MGM musical biopic about Jerome Kern, Till the Clouds Roll By (1946), begins with the Broadway opening night of his Show Boat in 1927, which has a mixed cast of Negroes (in prominent roles) and whites onstage together in several of the musical numbers in the show. In the original production, incidentally, the very first line in the opening number, “Cotton Blossom” (the name of the showboat), and sung by the blacks themselves is, # Niggers all work on de Mississippi, niggers all work while de white folks play… # Thankfully, that word was changed in subsequent productions to, “Darkies all work…” to “Colored folks work…” to “Here we all work…”. Even the first spoken line in the show is to a black supporting character, Queenie, when a man says to her, “Hey, Nigger, where did you get that brooch?” She probably was not all that personally offended, however, because the part of Queenie at that time was being played by a white woman in blackface!

I suppose it probably was a political compromise. Since the black and white performers had to work together for the sake and integrity of the story, the racial epithets and demeaning disrespect toward the black characters were left in intentionally to let audiences know that the producers still honored their sentiments about race relations of the times, lest somebody complain, “Why are they being so nice and respectful to them niggers up there?” “We will let them sing together, while maintaining our racist agenda and they remaining in their place.” “Well, okay then, in that case…”.

Remember that the character Julie was kicked off the boat when discovered that she was a mulatto. In the actual show when Julie sings “Can’t Help Lovin’ That Man,” she is in the presence of Magnolia, the heroine, and Joe and Queenie, who work as servants on the boat. But in this movie, Lena Horne sings the song alone with no one else in the scene with her. So they still employed their isolation bit when they could get away with it. Although Joe is a minor character with few scenes and lines, he gets to perform the most famous and most popular song in the entire show, “Ol’ Man River.”

One pleasant surprise was in Stars and Stripes Forever (1952) when John Philip Sousa’s Band had just played “Dixie” for the townspeople of Atlanta, and they next proceeded to do “The Battle Hymn of the Republic,” sung by an all-Negro choir, right there in the town square! Kudos to director Henry Koster.

Why I have concluded that this segregation convention is a Hollywood thing, is because some foreign films of the time did not follow the same criterion. One example is the 1937 British production, Big Fella, starring Paul Robeson. There are scenes of the interracial cast all mingling together in a tavern and a nightclub, with a black singer, Elisabeth Welch [1904-2003], being backed by black and white musicians and white women hobnobbing with Robeson and his black and white cohorts. In fact, since Robeson was the star of most of his 12 feature films and was surrounded by white actors all the time, it could not be avoided. But that shows that race-mixing could be depicted on screen if they wanted to; it’s just that those racist Hollywood execs chose not to do it.

A delightful exception, however, is Howard Hawks’ A Song Is Born (1948), starring Danny Kaye and Virginia Mayo, and is a remake of his Ball of Fire (1941). In this musical romp there is race-mixing all over the place, in street scenes, nightclubs and private residences. Danny’s character actually invites famous jazz musicians and other musical artists to his home. I was pleased to no end to see the likes of Louis Armstrong, Charlie Barnet, Louis Bellson, black vaudevillians Buck and Bubbles, Tommy Dorsey, the Golden Gate Quartet, Benny Goodman, Lionel Hampton and Mel Powell, all in the same room together jamming and socializing. There is no way that any of it could have excised for southern viewers, as those scenes were crucial to the story. Plus, the blacks were treated with respect and non-attitude by the whites, addressing them as “gentlemen” instead of “boy” or some other indignity.

Also, in The Benny Goodman Story (1955), starring Steve Allen, race-mixing didn’t seem to be an issue. Black and white musicians are playing together in the same band Both are seen attending the same venues and social gatherings where the blacks are there as invited guests rather than servers or hired help.

By the ‘60s, things had gotten even better, with Hollywood finally catching up with European sensibilities, as far as race relations are concerned. In A Man Called Adam (1966), starring Sammy Davis Jr., there is a scene in a jazz nightclub with Sammy, Satchmo and Cicely Tyson hanging out with Mel Tormé, Peter Lawford and Frank Sinatra Jr., and black and white extras are sitting together at the same tables, as if they know each other, as friends even. So, you see, those examples only prove that they could do anything they wanted to, when they had the courage and resolve to do so.

Fortunately, as in most situations, there were some enterprising black filmmakers, like Oscar Micheaux and Spencer Williams, who wrote, produced and directed their own independent films—silents and talkies, throughout the ‘20s to the 40s. Micheaux [1884-1951], the son of former slaves and with little formal education, had published three novels by the age of 33, and he made 40 low-budget feature-length films that he usually paid for with his own money. He avoided addressing the problems of the ghetto in his films, focusing instead on the black middle class.

Spencer Williams [1893-1969] also starred in his own films, just as some of our actor-directors of today, like Woody Allen and Clint Eastwood do. This Williams, an intelligent and accomplished screenwriter, director and songwriter (he wrote the song “Basin Street Blues”), is the same actor who portrayed the dim-witted Andy in the “Amos ‘n’ Andy” TV series of the ‘50s. Unfortunately, most of these films by both artists had limited circulation away from the mainstream, playing exclusively in theaters that catered to blacks-only audiences. All but a handful of their films are now lost.

During the days of New York’s Cotton Club in Harlem, black entertainers were hired to perform there all the time, but blacks could not attend a show there as patrons. Other nightclubs and hotels had the same policy. I’ve heard Ray Charles and others report that at one time they couldn’t even visit their white friends at their tables where they were performing. This was in Las Vegas, by the way, not Selma, Alabama. And the black performers couldn’t even use the front door for entrance. They had to come in the back door, the “service entrance”! They were merely hired help after all, there only to amuse the white folks.

Due to the policy of segregated audiences in some places, they were expected to do two shows in those venues, one for the whites and another one for the blacks. Artists like Sam Cooke and Aretha Franklin refused to go along with that. Ray Charles, for another, was banned from the state of Georgia for many years because he wouldn’t comply. As much as Louis Armstrong was revered, especially by white folks–they loved them some Satchmo, didn’t they?–he never got to headline in Las Vegas. He was always featured under a white act.

After the run of Porgy and Bess on Broadway in 1935, the production went on tour. When the all-black cast arrived at the National Theater in Washington, DC, they discovered that the theater allowed only white patrons. Didn’t the theater managers consider or care that the black citizens of Washington just might be interested in seeing a live show that features other black people? The show’s lead, Todd Duncan [1903-1998], who played Porgy, refused to perform under that condition. When the theater manager offered Wednesday and Saturday matinees to black patrons, Duncan would not compromise. Then the manager offered the second balcony to blacks for every performance, but Duncan and the rest of the cast stood their ground. Thanks to the company’s resolve, in March 1936 the National Theater became desegregated for the first time in its history. Wait! Maybe the reason why we didn’t see any black people at those performance venues in the movies is because, like in real life, their patronage was not allowed.

As I always say, people will get away with what you let them get away with. Don’t tell me that I cannot possibly have my own stateroom when I am on a cruise ship. Why not? I don’t want to hear that. I am a headliner. You knew I was coming on. You should have reserved my room ahead of time. Just make it happen!

Being our country’s capital, I suppose there are those who don’t realize that Washington, DC is located in the South, lying between Maryland and Virginia. I learned that the Pentagon, our nation’s defense building, has twice as many restrooms in it than necessary, because when it was built in 1941, the state of Virginia still honored the segregation law of separate facilities for blacks and whites! Now, wouldn’t you think that the capital of our Government would ignore such unfair practices and attempt to set things right with a positive example? But then, white racial bigots have always run the Congress too, haven’t they?

Black performing artists while on tour often had trouble finding acceptable lodging and places to eat on the road. James Baskett [1904-1948], who won a Special Oscar for portraying Uncle Remus in Song of the South (1946), had to miss the premiere in Atlanta because no hotel in town would give him a room. There were even segregated hotels in Hollywood up until the sixties. Director/actor Paul Mazursky reported that when he co-starred in Blackboard Jungle with Sidney Poitier, when they were not working, Sidney and the other black members of the cast had to stay in a different hotel than the whites. And this was in southern California, yet! But I suppose that the South is still the South, no matter how far west you go. That includes Texas and Nevada, too!

When Lena Horne was on tour with Charlie Barnet and his all-white band, there were many restaurants at which she was not allowed to eat. Even during shows white couples would dance by the bandstand, stare at her and make remarks loud enough for her to hear–“How do you suppose she got that job?” (Maybe it was her talent?) and “Did you see the way that nigger singer throws herself at the men?” Do you mean her relating to her audience, as any good performer is wont to do? I wish that ignorant people would keep their ignorant opinions to themselves.

This is another true account, according to the 1999 biopic Introducing Dorothy Dandridge, starring Halle Berry. When Dorothy played Las Vegas once during the ‘50s, she had already been advised of her restrictions. She had to take all of her meals in her room, she had to use the back entrances to and from the hotel and she wasn’t allowed to associate with the clientele or use the public restrooms. If she had to take a pee outside of her hotel room, she was instructed to use a disposable cup! I guess she was expected to shit into one, too. At one point during her stay, I suppose it was out of spite, Dorothy went down to the hotel pool and deliberately stuck her foot in and laughed as she kicked the water. After much gasping and clutching of pearls—although there was no one in the pool at the time—the horrified white onlookers apparently reported the incident immediately, which prompted the management to drain the pool! Have you ever heard of anything so inane?

For the mere sake of humiliating, demeaning and dehumanizing a black person, some whites will go to any lengths and spare no expense to do so. But in their typical fashion, who do you think they got to do the actual work of emptying, cleaning and then refilling the pool? Why, the black janitors/maintenance men, of course! Oh, these white people can be outraged about something, but they don’t care enough to remedy the situation by actually doing the work involved themselves. I can only imagine what those workers thought when given the task. “You boys have to clean the pool because one of your people stuck her foot in it.” “What?! So?!” There are other pool stories involving black entertainers, including Sammy Davis Jr. and The Supremes.

These race films were almost always musical comedies, because “they” didn’t seem to think that black actors could handle serious drama. I mean, what the hell do we know of conflict, human relations and romance, right? Up until recently, every series that made it to network TV, that featured mostly black actors, was a situation comedy. The few dramatic series that made it on never survived. “Matt Waters,” with Montel Williams, and before that, “Under One Roof,” which starred James Earl Jones and Joe Morton, lasted just 5 weeks apiece.

The only drama series that lasted for five seasons, but it aired on Showtime, which I didn’t have at the time, so I never got to see it, was “Soul Food.” It did go into syndication for a while but is no longer on. The ABC Family channel for a while featured a weekly black family drama series called “Lincoln Heights,” but that one, too, has since been cancelled. There are a few shows that have a black actor as the lead character, but I don’t consider “Scandal” and “How to Get Away With Murder,” for example, black shows. And Tyler Perry’s soap operas on OWN, “The Haves and the Havenots” and “If Loving You Is Wrong” featured an evenly-mixed cast, so I don’t consider them black shows either. I mean by that a show whose cast is mostly black and is not a comedy series.

Now with the advent of the cable networks BET, Centric and OWN, we are finally seeing black drama series that last beyond one season. There are “All the Queen’s Men,” Being Mary Jane,” “Delilah,” “Empire” (on Fox), “The Game,” “Greenleaf,” “The Quad” and “Queen Sugar” to name those that I, myself, am familiar with. But then, I guess no ethnic group other than whites can do drama, it seems. The Asian and Latino family shows that make it to TV (“Cristela,” “Dr. Ken,” “Fresh Off the Boat” and “Jane the Virgin”) are all also sitcoms.

In 1943, when Lena Horne appeared on the cover of Motion Picture magazine, the first black ever, they received this letter from a small town in Texas which read, “I consider Lena Horne a good singer, but I also think all colored people should be kept in their place. You picture her as if she were the same type of person as other actresses. Try to keep her publicity and pictures off the front of your books. Such publicity is the cause of riots and is going to cause more.“ What is their problem?! Does this guy think that he is speaking for everybody in the world or that they should comply to his wishes on his word alone?

Even repeated attempts to improve the black image on TV were always subject to some kind of criticism. Sure, “Amos ‘n’ Andy” featured an all-black cast, but the characters were not a reflection of the real world. When “Julia” and “I Spy” came along in the late ‘60s, Diahann Carroll’s and Bill Cosby’s characters were too intelligent and articulate to be deemed real. They were called “white Negroes.” Hal Kanter, the producer of “Julia,” received this letter from a viewer: “That Diahann Carroll is much too pretty to be colored. You must have put dark makeup on a white woman.” (But why would they do that?) From an irate Southerner: “How dare you put that Negress on the TV and ram it down our throats like that?!”

In 1962 when Diahann [1935-2019] was on tour in Detroit with No Strings, some local white woman threw an after-show reception at her home for the entire cast–everybody except Diahann, that is. She wasn’t invited to the party because, as the woman explained to Richard Rodgers, she didn’t want to expose her children to Ms. Carroll for fear that it would confuse them, as the only black people they knew were the servants who worked for her. What?! Can you believe some people’s audacious ignorance? And of course, she’s now passing on her ignorant bigotry to her innocent children. It’s that mother’s fault if her kids are confused, not Diahann’s. This could have been her chance to show her kids that blacks can do other things besides cook for them and clean her fucking house! But as one monkey don’t stop the show, Diahann ended up throwing her own party for the cast at her hotel.

In 1966 there was a Broadway show which flopped, entitled Holly Golightly, that was a musical version of Breakfast at Tiffany‘s. Before it closed, however, there was an unsubstantiated rumor going around that Diahann Carroll was being considered to replace Mary Tyler Moore in the title role. A joke began to surface that if Ms. Carroll did get the part, they would have to change the title to “Holly Godarkly.”

As I never saw the original productions, I don’t know how Diahann’s interracial romance with white Richard Kiley was received in No Strings, but I heard about Sammy Davis’ and white Paula Wayne’s experience, when they were previewing Golden Boy in Detroit in 1964. In the show the two declared lovers have a passionate duet to sing, called “I Want to Be With You,” but it was staged originally with neither of them even touching each other. Director Arthur Penn realized, “This is a love duet. They need to do something–embrace or kiss or something!” When Sammy approached the idea to his co-star, “They want us to kiss at the end of the song.” She replied, “So? What’s the problem?”

So, they did it. Needless to say, there was much gasping and clutching of pearls from the audience. Ms. Wayne reported that she got major attitude from people who had witnessed that shocking display on stage. She would overhear them say, “That’s the woman that kissed the nigger.” But this was Michigan, and Detroit, yet!. There are no racial bigots that far North, are there? Years before that, Harry Belafonte (of course it was he who got blamed) created an outrageous scandal in the South when he allowed Petula Clark to put her hand on his arm while they were singing a duet on TV in the ‘50s.

“Good Times” had a typical, two-parent, urban ghetto family. Then they had to make the eldest son, J.J., a jimcrovian buffoon, which ruined the show for a lot of people. And although I did like “The Jeffersons,” George Jefferson’s conduct and demeanor was no different than George “Kingfish” Stevens of “Amos ‘n’ Andy” and was as bigoted and opinionated as Archie Bunker. It wasn’t until “The Cosby Show” came along that we finally had a somewhat realistic black family that most Americans could accept and relate to.

The recent “black-ish” is a good show, too, as it deals with an upper middle-class black family in a modern setting. They use satire to tackle social hypocrisy and issues, such as racial identity and self-awareness, education, morality and assessment of the Internet as a helpful tool or dangerous distraction, for examples. Similar is the spin-off series “mixed-ish” and “The Carmichael Show,” produced and written by series star Jerrod Carmichael, are also controversial and thought-provoking. Just like “Father Knows Best” was 70 years ago, on all three shows there are always life lessons to be learned by the end of each episode.

The Stage Door Canteen, located in midtown Manhattan, was a wartime refuge nightclub for American servicemen. There was free food, dancing, socializing, star-mingling and entertainment for men stationed locally or in transit. I wondered if the place was all-inclusive to its customers, so I did some research and found that the club did have a non-discriminatory policy and did welcome blacks. In fact, the Canteen encouraged its white hostesses and volunteer employees to treat their black guests equally as they do the whites. And if any of them had a problem with that, they would not be allowed to work there or would be dismissed. It was one of the few public venues anywhere, in the North or South, that promoted that sort of racial equality.

So when I saw the movie of Stage Door Canteen (1943), I expected (or at least hoped) that the film would give us a look at the real thing. But in keeping with typical Hollywood conventions (it was made there instead of New York), this, too, was an all-white representation, so the racial situation was not dealt with at all. It’s as if they purposely chose to perpetuate their racist views about segregation and omission, instead of attempting to set an example of how the outside world really is.

Film production continued throughout World War II, but you must have noticed that most war films excluded blacks entirely, and when they did appear, there were never more than one or two. They wanted to make it clear that this War (as well as all the others) was fought and won only by White America. It’s just like up until recently there were no black cowboys in Hollywood and TV westerns. The irony in this is that the term “cowboy” originally referred only to Negro cattle handlers. A white man who did the same thing was called a “cowhand.” Come on, if they have a white guy and a black guy, both 30 years of age there working on the same ranch, which one do you think would be called “Boy”? Like, a white woman who takes care of white children is called a nanny, but at one time a black woman who took care of white children was called a mammy.

I learned that one out of every three so-called cowboys/cowhands was black and that half the people who settled California were black. You sure won’t learn that from those old Hollywood westerns where everyone is white, except for the lazy and dumb or otherwise villainous and immoral Mexicans, the savage, murderous Indians and the fawning, subservient Chinese peasants. And then most of them were played by white actors, therefore they could be portrayed inappropriately as well.

In all those prison pictures of the ’30s through the ’60s, there were never any black inmates, or very few. Why is that? We do crime, too! Or did we start to go bad only in the last 50 years or so? The 1955 campy B-movie Women’s Prison is one case in point. Among the cast of inmates I cited only four blacks. One unnamed extra was seen working alone in the laundry. But she and the other three apparently shared the same cell, because when the women emerged from their cells for daily roll call and head count, there those four would be standing together in their own group rather than intermingled with the white prisoners. So even in a setting such as a prison, where everyone there should be an equal, they still had to segregate the blacks from the whites.

One of the four, and the only one who is an actual character with a name and spoken lines, is our girl Juanita Moore. The first scene in which she is introduced, we find her on her hands and knees—the only one in the whole place doing it—scrubbing the floor and singing “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot”! She must be so happy. The prison population there seems to be 99% white, but it’s the minority black inmate that gets the privilege and honor to be the lone resident floor-scrubber. See how they do us? Even a hardened career criminal, serving life in prison, if she’s white, doesn’t deserve to have to do such menial labor as that.

In Caged (1950), my favorite women’s prison film, there is not a single black (or anything else) in the entire film. Warden Agnes Moorehead tells innocent new arrival, Eleanor Parker, “There are all types of women in here, just like on the outside.“ You mean that there are all types of white women in here, don’t you, Aggie? In the prison mess hall scene in White Heat (1949) there must be 200 extras on the screen, but not a single dark face in the bunch. Where in this country is there a prison that doesn’t have any black inmates? Only on an old Hollywood studio movie set would be my guess.

Come to think of it, I don’t remember seeing hardly any black people on the screen during the ’50s and ’60s, except for Tarzan and jungle films and others set in Africa where they needed natives, and the aforementioned Carmen Jones and Porgy and Bess (1959), both musicals. Sidney Poitier was one of the very few blacks who had regular work as a leading actor during that period, and in non-traditional roles at that. He got to play doctors and schoolteachers and police detectives, for example.

In fact, Sidney portrays a hospital staff surgeon in his very first feature film, No Way Out (1950). He has always managed to take on the more respectable roles throughout his career. Of course, the characters he played often did not get the respect that they deserved. In No Way Out bigoted hoodlum, Richard Widmark, continues verbally to abuse Sidney with nasty racial comments, even after the doctor saves his life twice during the film. He keeps trying to convince everyone that Sidney had killed his brother (he didn‘t, by the way), which he does to try to justify his hatred for the doc.

In Pressure Point (1962) Sidney plays a prison psychiatrist who is assigned to help a stubborn, bigoted Nazi patient, played by Bobby Darin. No matter how good or how high or prestigious a position Sidney’s characters were put in, there were always those around him who would prefer that he remain in a lowly place and worthy of no respect. In Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner (1967), however, the writers made Sidney’s character so perfect and admirable that his white fiancée’s parents, after checking his history and credentials, cannot find a single reason why their daughter shouldn’t marry this man, other than the fact that he is a Negro.

Sidney must be a major star with some clout when he was able to get away with striking a white man (Larry Gates) across the face in In the Heat of the Night (1967). This bold act was not in the original script but something that Sidney thought his character would do in that situation. And he was right. I, too, would have been compelled to slap the son-of-a-bitch back if he had slapped me for no reason! The gesture in that scene has prompted many first-time viewing audiences to cheer for Sidney. Chief Gillespie (Rod Steiger) never mentions the fact that “Endicott” struck a police officer, which is supposed to be against the law. He seemed to be more concerned that a black dared to strike a Southern white man, which again indicates that whites think they can do anything to a black person, even if he is a cop, and he is just supposed to stand there and take it, with no retaliation. Well, he found out that Virgil Tibbs don’t play that!

Harry Belafonte plays a school principal in his very first movie, Bright Road (1953). In all his subsequent films, too, he is either the lead or an important supporting character. The same can be said of Rex Ingram [1895-1969]. He got to play both comic and dramatic leading and supporting roles in most of his films. He was cast against type as a giant genie in the British-made fantasy film The Thief of Bagdad (1940), and he was the first actor to portray on film both God in The Green Pastures (1936) and the Devil in Cabin in the Sky (1943). In Talk of the Town (1942), and although he was Ronald Colman’s chauffeur and valet, he also was his close friend and confidante, which required him to interact with the main stars, Cary Grant and Jean Arthur, as well. Colman did not talk down to him and treated him with the utmost respect. They displayed a rare interracial relationship during that time in a Hollywood movie. Normally a white actor would have been cast in that role.

In addition to several prominent supporting roles in many films, George Reed [1866-1952] had a regular position in the Dr. Kildare/Dr. Gillespie movie series (1938-47), in which he, too, played friend and confidante to Dr. Leonard Gillespie, played by Lionel Barrymore. “Conover” had free access to the hospital and got to mingle with the other actors, who all treated him as an equal. A couple of these films also featured Keye Luke as a promising young doctor protégé of Gillespie. Unfortunately, he was often referred to as “that Chinese boy.” We can see that he is Chinese, or something; they didn’t have to keep reminding us of it.

Afro-Puertorican actor Juano Hernandez [1896-1970] played the more dignified roles, too, including a jazz trumpeter and teacher/mentor to Kirk Douglas in Young Man With a Horn (1950) and a presiding judge in Trial (1955). In his very first film, Intruder in the Dust (1949) Hernandez plays a proud, rich, Southern landowner who stands up to the good ol’ boys in town when he is falsely accused of killing a local white man. He was a boxer, circus performer, radio scriptwriter, worked in vaudeville and acted on Broadway.

Leigh Whipper had a prolific acting career on stage and screen for a span of 52 years. He graduated from Harvard Law School and was the first black person to join Actor’s Equity Association. He died in 1975 at the age of 99.

Another black actor who had regular film work in the ’40s through the ’90s was Woody Strode [1914-1995]. He managed to avoid the usual menial, subservient roles and played mostly characters with some dignity and substance. His co-starring role in Sergeant Rutledge (1960) is a good example. Although he does play a slave gladiator in Spartacus (1960), he is on equal status with the star Kirk Douglas, who is also a slave and with whom he has a climactic fight-to-the-death. Of the very few black extras used in DeMille’s The Ten Commandments (1956), Woody appears as the King of Ethiopia. In The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance (1962) he is just one of the regular guys and a companion to John Wayne. In The Last Voyage (1960) Woody plays a heroic crewman of a sinking ship who saves several passengers and actually survives himself at the end, where he would usually be the token sacrifice. Woody is a tribal leader in a few Tarzan and Bomba movies and worked a lot in Italian films as well.

Ernest Anderson [1915-2011], in addition to unavoidable service roles, he did get to play better parts on TV, like schoolteachers and police officers, and he worked constantly throughout the ’40s through the ’70s. In his very first film, In This Our Life (1942), with Bette Davis, Olivia De Haviland and Hattie McDaniel as his mother, Ernest works as a law clerk while studying to be a lawyer himself, until that bitch Bette tries to frame him for a hit-and-run murder which she herself committed. Of course, most everyone believes Bette’s word over Ernie’s. He and Bette appeared together again 20 years later in What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? At the end of the movie, Ernest is the concessionaire at the beach who serves “Jane” ice cream cones (which she did not pay for!).

James Edwards [1918-1970] managed to escape the usual typecasting for black actors by getting to play a lot of military personnel during his career. He starred in his second film, Home of the Brave and in Patton (1970), but died before it was released. Of course, unless the cast is all-black, most of the aforementioned actors always had to deal with racial issues in the movies they were in and did not receive the deserved respect from the other characters.

I used to go to the movies every Sunday afternoon for years, and the films at that time were a lot of science fiction and monster flicks, or beach movies or love stories, which rarely used any blacks. Notice that in the futuristic segment (it applies to the entire film, in fact) of The Time Machine (1960), for example, the evolved, surviving humans, called Eloi, are all blond-haired, blue-eyed and white. It seems that Hungarian director George Pal apparently envisioned the world of the future to be completely devoid of any People-of-Color (wishful thinking, perhaps?). That’s sort of the ideal world that Hitler was going for, isn’t it? His War of the Worlds seven years earlier has nary a black in it either. What, did Pal think that nobody would notice the blatant omissions, or he just didn’t care? The savage Morlocks in the story are green-skinned, unattractive cannibals who are the masters but tormenting rulers of the passively innocent Eloi lot. So I guess “colored” characters can be in the film as long as they are depicted as the dreaded villains of the piece.

I am pleased to report, however, that in the 2002 remake of the story, that segment has been revised to my satisfaction. The film actually differs in all aspects. In this latter version, directed by author H.G. Wells’ great-grandson, Simon Wells, the Eloi are not exactly black, but they are not white either. They appear to be a combined hybrid, which makes logical sense, since the predominance of subsequent interbreeding would most likely produce a common racial mix in the far-off future. The Morlocks, on the other hand, are more animalistic in appearance, but quite ugly just the same. As I have not read the book, I don’t know if that is how the way Wells himself described them. You cannot trust Hollywood always to remain true to authors’ adapted works. The main character, played by Guy Pearce, even encounters a holographic entity at a library which embodies all knowledge of the entire world and its history, and it’s played by the black actor Orlando Jones.

Logan’s Run (1976) has a similar premise as the original The Time Machine, in that it is set in the future (the year 2274) and according to this film, too, the only people who make it that far are white! I saw the movie when it first came out, and it didn’t leave much of an impression on me, then when I saw it again just recently, I realized why. I can’t relate to it! I, and the rest of the real world, are all missing from it. What, will all the billions of people-of-color in the world just die out within the next 200 years or so?! Why should I care what happens to any of them when they haven’t given me and my ilk a thought at all? Even in fantasy films, I prefer some plausibility within the fantasy. How can any director lack such insight in their casting choices? Don’t they care about the general public at all? At least writer Gene Roddenberry took us into consideration when he created his “Star Trek” franchise, by including black and even Asian characters in a futuristic setting.

I think by this time (that is, the period during which there was a dearth of blacks on the screen) the NAACP and other watchdog groups had begun to protest the stereotyping of black actors in the same type of roles all the time, so the writers and casting directors were now at a loss. “If we can’t cast them as servants, porters and janitors, then what else can they do?!” (How about the exact same thing that all your white actors are doing?) The obvious solution: just stop using us at all. But then along came those “blaxploitation” films of the ’70s. You’ll notice that all of the films that feature Anglos exclusively are not referred to as “whitexploitation.” It was probably Melvin Van Peebles who started it all with his Sweet Sweetback’s Baad Asssss Song in 1971. By its becoming a big hit and the Powers-That-Be realizing a definite potential market and audience interest in this new genre, the major studios took a chance and proceeded to produce a slew of black-oriented films throughout the decade.

1971’s Shaft was already in the planning stage when the producers decided to change the lead character from a white man to a black. And although these films were very popular–I suppose that we were so glad to see black actors working again–they were also met with a lot of criticism from black interest groups because of the screen images they mostly depicted. Still with white filmmakers in charge, black actors now had gone from innocent, non-threatening, subservient roles to taking on the criminal element by playing pimps, prostitutes, petty thugs, bank robbers, gang members, drug dealers, addicts and other questionable lowlifes. The only “good guys” were cops and detectives. Was that progress? Sure, these films gave work to many fine black actors during this period, but at what expense? We sure weren’t improving our social image much.

There were some near exceptions, as producers provided some black actors with traditional white character role opportunities when they decided to make black versions of classic horror villains. There were black vampires (Blacula[1972]), black werewolves (The Beast Must Die[1974]), a black Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde (1976), a black Jack the Ripper (Black the Ripper) and a black Frankenstein creature (Blackenstein[1973])! But by these characters being the evil protagonists, they all ended up being killed or destroyed by the end of the picture. I am surprised that they didn’t do a black mummy. There were Nubian slaves during Egyptian times. If they made it female, they could have called it “The Mammy“!

Black westerns and love stories also showed up during this time. There is Buck and the Preacher (1972), Thomasine & Bushrod [1974] (a black Bonnie and Clyde), and there is even a black The Exorcist rip-off called Abby (1974). In the theatre for classic Broadway musicals and plays, we have a black The Wizard of Oz (The Wiz), a black Kismet (Timbuctu), black casts for Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, Death of a Salesman, The Gin Game, The Odd Couple, A Streetcar Named Desire, and A Trip to Bountiful.

Fortunately, non-specific, color-blind casting has become a regular practice in recent decades. Lead characters in plays and movies don’t all have to be white anymore. Whoopi Goldberg, for one, certainly has broken the color barrier by getting roles that were originally intended for white actors. Her part in Fatal Beauty (1987) was originally offered to Cher, Bette Midler was supposed to do Sister Act (1992), and her character in Ghost (1990) could have been written for anybody, but Patrick Swayze asked for Whoopi specifically. Each of the aforementioned would have been a whole different movie if somebody other than Whoopi had done them.

Casting for new TV shows and commercials is now promoting positive racial integration. Most white stars of series and movies have an ethnic costar or best friend, and vice versa. Interracial relationships, dating and even marriage are so commonplace now and allowed and encouraged without judgment and objection by the other characters. Color and ethnicity do not seem to matter to anybody. Even in groups and dance ensembles which used to be exclusively white, you will now usually find your conspicuous black performer among the ranks. Of course, there are occasional tokens, but at least they are making a conscious effort, whereas before, they wouldn’t even include the token!

For decades white actors have portrayed black and mulatto characters, so why can’t black actors portray traditional white characters, especially when they are fictional and even when they are not? On the new “Supergirl” TV series, the role of Jimmy Olsen is now being played by Afro-American actor Mehcad Brooks, and in the new 2016 Ben-Hur remake Morgan Freeman is playing the part that Welsh actor Hugh Griffith plays in the earlier version in 1959. Freeman’s starring role of “Red” in The Shawshank Redemption (1994) is a redheaded Irishman in Stephen King’s novella, but the character itself could be of any color or nationality. Morgan has played the U.S. President in Deep Impact (1998) and was God twice in Bruce Almighty (2003) and its sequel Evan Almighty (2007). And how about this? It was reported that British black actor Idris Elba is being considered to be the next James Bond, although I also heard that he may turn it down.

Here is a life-imitating-art scenario. An episode of “Boston Legal” (one of my favorite TV series), had a court case where a little grade-school girl is being denied the role of Annie in her school production because she is black. Her lawyer, Alan Shore (played by James Spader), argued, “Why can’t a black child play Annie or anything else?”, especially since this girl is much better than the little white girl who is up for the same part? So now years later there really is a 2014 movie featuring a black Annie (Quvenzhane Wallis) and with Jamie Foxx playing the “Warbucks” character, whose name and position has been changed to reflect modern times. I take satisfaction in that I got to do it first, however. You see, I, myself, got to portray Oliver “Daddy” Warbucks in an elementary school production of Annie in June 1989.

This new casting requirement has even made it into period pieces and historical dramas. Some English and Canadian productions, like “Frankie Drake Mysteries” and “Murdoch Mysteries”, which take place in the 1900s, feature regular black characters who are detectives and pathologists, for instance. The PBS British mystery series “Shakespeare and Hathaway,” about a private investigation agency, has a modern setting where black actors appear in almost every episode. They are always cast as professionals, artists and business owners, not a subservient in the bunch. It is so refreshing to see that at long last. David Olewoyo is playing Javert in a new production of Les Miserables, and the new “Around the World in 80 Days” PBS series has a black Passepertout. “Merlin”, a new version of the King Arthur legend, has black actors in major roles. The short-lived series “Star-Crossed”, which is a reworking of Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, has interracial casting throughout, regardless of the characters’ relationship to each other. Still unrealistic, perhaps, but no more unrealistic than when everybody were all white!

Similar to the billing I received for that junior high Tom Sawyer, in the closing credits of Beneath the Planet of the Apes (1970), the second in the series, all the actors who play the subterranean mutants have real names for their characters, except for Don Pedro Colley [1938-2017], the one black in the cast, who is billed simply as “Negro.” I mean, why bother to give this character a common name when they can just refer to him by what he is? A similar thing was done to Juanita Moore in Witness to Murder (1954), in which the end credits listed her character as “Negress.“

On the TV series “Rescue Me” two of the firefighters in the cast are named Sean. One is white and the other is black. So the other guys refer to the Larenz Tate character as “Black Sean” to distinguish him from the other Sean (portrayed by Steven Pasquale), which they don’t call “White Sean,” by the way. So is the Stephen Foster song character Old Black Joe referred to thus to distinguish him from “Old White Joe” from the same community? I guess that “Old Dan Tucker” must be white, then, or they would have said otherwise.

When Mahalia Jackson [1911-1972] appeared on “The Ed Sullivan Show” for the first time in 1960, Ed chose to mention in his introduction that Mahalia was “a colored gospel singer.” Now didn’t we already know that? And if we didn’t, we would see for ourselves when she came on. Even his unfamiliar blind viewers would know what she was when they heard her sing. I consider Ed’s little racial citation to be completely unnecessary.

There is an old MGM musical called Give a Girl a Break (1954), in which the star of a new Broadway revue walks out on the show just weeks before the opening. So the producers put an ad in the trade papers appealing for “Girls, Girls, Girls” to replace her. But the only “girls” that show up for this “cattle call” are young, lily-white women. They apparently knew that only their kind would even be considered for the part, so no other faction of society bothers to respond. I mean, it’s the star of a Broadway show. Who else but a white woman would be a suitable replacement? Nowadays, casting notices have to be more specific. They need to designate ethnicity, if there is a required distinction, plus age restrictions and special talents. The marquis outside some female strip joints read “Girls, Girls, Girls,” never “White Girls,” which they always are.

Nowadays finally, there seems to be a complete turnaround, I think, to the point of unreality. Now black actors are almost always the good guys—lots of cops, doctors, lawyers and judges. There must be more black judges in the movies and on TV than there probably are in real life. We now get to play government agents and high-ranking officials, even the President of the United States (and years before we had one for real)! We hardly ever play crooks anymore, except for the occasional drug dealer and regressive characters in nostalgia pieces. All your thieves—armed robbers, burglars, muggers, purse-snatchers and smugglers—are white again, as well as your rapists, murderers/serial killers and drug lords.

Just as in all of the “Columbo” episodes, and there are many, as well as most of the other shows where murders regularly take place, very few have featured a black actor as the guest murderer. “Perry Mason” and “Matlock” had one (Georg Stanford Brown in both), there was one on “Monk” (Jackie Richardson), Robert Guillaume was the killer on a “Diagnosis Murder” episode, one (Stan Shaw) on the entire “Murder, She Wrote” series, one (Wren T. Brown) on a “McBride” installment, and my high-school acquaintance, Michael Warren, killed four people on an episode of “In the Heat of the Night.”

Now, I’m not complaining, mind you—I consider that a good and positive thing on our behalf. I mean, thanks for not suggesting that all we blacks are cold-blooded, calculating killers. Or maybe they mean to imply that very few blacks are smart enough to concoct such ingenious and elaborate murders. I know…they can’t win either way, can they? We tend to be more of the in-your-face, spur-of-the-moment type killers. Who has the with-all and patience to dream up a complicated murder scheme? You whites are more adept at that.

But maybe the TV trend for infrequent black killers is turning. On the new drama series, “Elsbeth,” who is a quirky, lawyer/detective, played by Carrie Preston, the first season aired ten episodes, and of those ten, four of them feature a black character as the guest murderer! So far we’ve had Andre DeShields, Keegan-Michael Key, Retta and Blair Underwood. That’s only one instance. As I have not seen every show currently running, or even the past ones. there may be as well others on which blacks are committing more murders, I don’t know.

The sister witches of the original “Charmed” battled demons on their show on a regular basis, and the casting folks did hire black actors to portray assorted demons. But for whatever their reasons or intent, if, according to TV, no blacks are committing any serious crimes anymore, who are all those black folks making up 90% of the prison population in this country? What it is, of course, you know that there would be critical protest if it was black men committing most of the random crime on screen, as it is already assumed that they are the ones doing it all anyway. You see, it’s like this. No matter what ill-will white people do, they are never labeled or categorized and can always maintain their publicly-regarded righteousness and universal respect. The rest of humankind does not receive such a concession. Whatever white people do, we know that they are not all like that. But whatever anybody else does, then we are all like that.

Of course, there have been other exceptions and surprises over the years. A black actor named Clarence Brooks [1896-1969] played a Caribbean doctor in the 1931 John Ford film Arrowsmith. Among Clarence Muse’s [1889-1979] many films (he had a law degree and a 50-year movie career, as well as being a singer and songwriter), in 1940 he played a concert violinist and family man in a film called Broken Strings, for which he also wrote the screenplay. Matthew Beard plays one of his violin students. By the way, the film opens with Muse giving a recital in a concert hall, and the audience is made up entirely of black patrons. So then, they are interested in classical music and do attend public concerts (and sporting events). But then again, this particular audience is entirely segregated, as always.

The original cast of Hal Roach’s Our Gang series (started in 1918) featured Allen Clayton Hoskins [1920-1980] as the then token black youth “Farina,” and later were added Matthew “Stymie” Beard [1925-1989] and Billie “Buckwheat” Thomas [1931-1980]. But instead of being foils or servants to the white kids, these boys stood on equal terms with them and was as much a part of the gang as the others. Whereas there is a different attitude with adult blacks and whites, small colored and white children could safely be shown playing together without offending the status quo, as it were. It was all right, too, since all of the children in Our Gang were basically clowns, and this was one of the major roles permitted to blacks anyway.

The Memphis Censor Board, however, wasn’t having it. When Hal Roach attempted to revive Our Gang in 1947 with The Adventures of Curley and His Gang, because it contained an interracial classroom scene, the Board banned the film with this explanation. “To protect the morals and welfare of our city, we are unable to approve your picture with the little Negroes, as the South does not permit Negroes in white schools nor recognize social equality between the races, even in children.” Can they stop? It’s not enough for these bigots to have their own personal feelings about things which they should keep to themselves, they will go out of their way publicly to instill their racist views to the world at large. “This is how we think, so you all should get on board and think the same way we do.” So, even though they’re only movies and not even real, I guess they don’t want to give anybody any thought-provoking ideas.

Another positive exception, though, was an actor named Ernest “Sunshine Sammy” Morrison [1912-1989], who was the lone black member of the adult East Side Kids (aka Dead End Kids and Bowery Boys). In Spooks Run Wild (1941)—the only one of the series that I have seen him in so far—he was treated as just one of the gang. He didn’t have to condescend to the other actors and had as many speaking lines as the rest of the cast. I was surprised that he was even there at all, for most producers during that time didn’t even employ arbitrary tokenism when casting for ensembles in films.

Lest we temporarily forget our place, however, they did produce a feature film starring Our Gang, called General Spanky (1936) with a Civil War setting, where they have Buckwheat play a lost “pickaninny” slave in search of a master! In another, the kids put on a neighborhood makeshift circus, and our Buckwheat is assigned to be a sideshow attraction, billed as “Oogy-Boogy, the African Savage. His only line: “Oogy-boogy!” After I laughed (it was meant to be funny after all), I also shook my head in shame and remorse.

In another episode, the gang visit Darla Hood in the hospital where she has just had her tonsils removed. They bring a lot of food for her, but she isn’t allowed to eat anything solid for a while. Spanky: “No hot dogs?” Alfalfa: “No cupcakes?” Buckwheat: “Not even watermelon?!” When a nurse brings in a dish of ice cream for Darla, the only thing that she can have, the boys decide to eat all that other stuff themselves. There they are chowing down on the hot dogs and pastries, except for Buckwheat, the only one enjoying a large piece of watermelon, with a big grin on his face. Again, I just shook my head in shame. Of course, those white Hollywood producers and directors had no shame, in terms of racial sensibility.

In I Married an Angel (1942), a Rodgers and Hart musical film directed by W.S. Van Dyke II and starring Nelson Eddy and Jeanette McDonald, there is a big party scene with music and dancing and white folks galore. All of a sudden I was surprised to see three little black boys appear in very elaborate costumes and singing a refrain of the song being performed at the time. Their appearance to me seemed so incongruous and pointless at the time, but then they ended their bit by sitting on the floor side by side with their legs crossed and recreated the “Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” pose, ala the pictorial maxim of the Three Wise Monkeys!

I then understood the purpose of these boys’ inclusion in the film–to provide a bit of racist comic relief at black people’s expense. I’ll just bet that they didn’t delete that scene when the movie showed in the South. It probably was put in there for their benefit. Whereas they could care less about the philosophical meaning of it all, I’m sure it delighted them to no end to focus on the monkey aspect of the thing as the payoff. They wouldn’t have minded the boys anyway, as they were performing, and I know how you all love to be entertained by us. “Oh, look at the little singin’ pickaninnies! Ain’t they cute!”

Here is an interesting note, I think. Allen “Farina” Hoskins was born in Boston and schooled in stagecraft, and his perfect enunciation so horrified the director that with the advent of talking pictures, the boy was subsequently reprogrammed to de-sophisticate his language. I guess he didn’t speak and sound “black” enough, you see. I can hear Old Hal now. “Now, Allen, my boy, we’re going to have to do something about the way you talk. That’s just not going to cut it. We can fix your appearance quite easily. We’ll just nap up your hair real good and put some ribbons in it. But you have to work on your speech yourself. Can you sound more, uh, colored? You know how they talk.” Yeah, we do, but apparently you don’t. This is how we talk, when we are allowed to.

I learned that some black actors from Central Casting lost out on certain jobs because their diction was too perfect. They actually hired white coaches to teach them how to speak what became known as “Hollywood black dialect,“ because the movies is the only place that you ever hear it spoken. So these white studio heads set out to teach black actors how to talk “black,” in a dialect that they themselves created! They refused to allow us to rid ourselves of the “Ebonic Plague.” I mean, if they let us talk just like them, people will think that we are as intelligent as they are, thus be worthy of more respect! Of course, if we choose to talk that way now, we still get damned.

This speech convention was not reserved for only blacks either. They did it with the Indians, and some Asian characters never spoke normally. Even the famous Charlie Chan, who is supposed to be this intelligent, even brilliant, Chinese detective who is not a foreigner but an American (he is from Honolulu), yet even at his advanced age, he never learned to speak proper English, speaking in incomplete sentences and leaving out pertinent verbs, articles and pronouns. “Excuse, please…Dead body in locked room…Number One Son disappointment. It seems as if in order to be deemed “exotic,” it has to reflect in the character’s speech as well as their appearance.

Charlie Chan was always portrayed by a Caucasian actor, never by a Chinese or any Asian, but his family–wife and offspring–were always played by Asian actors, who all spoke proper American English without even a trace of accent. But it’s the one white guy, Charlie, who doesn’t talk properly. Now if children most likely learn to speak from their parents, from whom did Charlie’s kids learn it? Certainly not from him! And nobody ever called him on it or chastised him for his shameful speech. That is, not until Neil Simon’s Murder by Death (1976), when Peter Sellers spoofs Charlie Chan as “Sidney Wang” and Truman Capote as party host, Lionel Twain, lashes into him about his lack of use of articles and pronouns. “You are so exasperating, Mr. Wang. Use your verbs and articles. Learn how to talk!“ I thought, Well, it’s about time somebody said something. I love Neil Simon.

There is a ‘30s series of Mr. Wong mysteries, featuring a Chinese detective, in which he was almost always played by Boris Karloff, except for the last film of the series, Phantom in Chinatown (1941), when Keye Luke was cast to play a younger Mr. Wong. You may remember Luke as “Number One Son” in many of the Charlie Chan films. Now why didn’t they let him play Chan instead of those white guys? He certainly was capable and available. Or how about letting Jackie Chan play Charlie Chan now?

Another instance of traditionally casting a white actor to play an Asian is in Anna and the King of Siam (1946) and its musicalized remake The King and I (1956). They managed to fill the sets entirely with Asian extras, adults and children both, but they couldn’t find a single one of them to portray any of the principles? What about the aforementioned Keye Luke and Anna May Wong, to name only a couple? So instead, they got the very white Rex Harrison to play the King, Lee J. Cobb as the Kralahome, Gale Sondergaard as Lady Thiang and Linda Darnell as Tuptim.

If I didn’t think that Yul Brynner was the best King there ever was, I would complain of his miscasting as well. And as he was a virtual unknown when he took on the role, they must not have been going for star power. But he made the part his own, I can tell you that, and managed to give 4,625 performances as the King over the course of 30 years. The show’s being a perennial theatrical favorite, most of its productions and revivals nowadays do feature an Asian in the lead role more often than not, except for Lou Diamond Phillips, Ben Kingsley, Christopher Lee and Darren McGavin!?

If I may digress here for a moment, there is an aspect of The King and I that I would like to discuss. It’s the subplot concerning the character of Tuptim, a young Burmese girl who is given to the King as a slave and concubine, but she is in love with a Burmese fugitive named Lun-Tha. Now although they both are in Siam, they have to sneak around and meet in secret. Mrs. Anna, having taken a liking to Tuptim, even helps them with their clandestine trysts. She is also one of Anna’s pupils, and upon discovering the girl’s intelligence and eagerness to learn, she gives her Uncle Tom’s Cabin to read. So, later when the King is throwing an elaborate gala to impress some visiting English dignitaries, the after-dinner entertainment turns out to be a story-in-dance adaptation of ”Small House of Uncle Thomas.” It’s a fabulous sequence in the show and is what first endeared me to movie musicals.

So, here’s the thing. We are told that Tuptim is responsible for the entire production. She wrote the script, produced it, directed it and narrates the story. Did she even choreograph it? What an accomplishment! We realize during the presentation that it is an allegory, reflecting her own situation. She likens herself to the unhappy slave Eliza who is separated from her lover, and attempts to escape from her cruel master, “King Simon of Legree,” whom she is likening to her own lord and master. In fact, she does try to escape, but unsuccessfully, and the King intends to punish her for her insubordination. Now, I am wondering, if Tuptim is so smart and talented enough to inspire such creativity, why is she being regarded and treated as a mere slave instead the head of artistic and cultural affairs for the palace, perhaps, or the kingdom even? I shouldn’t wonder, though, because I know how females were regarded at the time. Even Anna had to exert her power and self-worth to get the King to respect her as a self-assured, non-subservient, modern-thinking woman.

Anna May Wong [1905-1961], by the way, did have constant work in silent films as well as talkies throughout the ’30s and ’40s, but always playing herself, that is, an Asian character. Whereas white actors could play anything other than themselves, the rest of us didn’t have that privilege. Anna May was cast only as “Orientals.” The one leading role that she would have been perfect for, but was passed over for a white woman, Luise Rainer, was in the 1937 film adaptation of The Good Earth. They apparently did not mind going through all the trouble of slanting their white actors’ eyes, instead of just hiring the real thing for those parts.

There was a part in the film, however, for a despicable, villainous character, which was offered to Anna May, but she refused to play it. That might have been a mistake. Those are the kind of parts that tend to get noticed. No major stars wanted to play Nurse Ratchet in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (1975), for example. So, unknown Louise Fletcher accepted the part and won an Oscar for it! Wong might have gotten newfound recognition when she was offered a starring role in Flower Drum Song (1961), which featured an all-Asian cast, but she died during production.

There are a couple of shameful depictions of Asian characters by major stars that I will mention here. The first is none other than the great Marlon Brando, when he deigned (he fought for the role!) to play an Okinawan named Sakini in Teahouse of the August Moon (1956). Michael Medved in his The Golden Turkey Awards book, says that his characterization in the film comes off as “a cross between Charlie Chan and Don Vito Corleone, using the same breathy mumbling that he later made famous in The Godfather, but enriches it with an all-purpose Oriental accent.”

The other disgraceful performance is Mickey Rooney as Audrey Hepburn’s “Japanese” upstairs neighbor, Mr. Yunioshi in Breakfast at Tiffany’s (1961). In “Truewoman” Capote’s book he is described simply as “a gentleman from Japan.” So why didn’t they cast a real Japanese gentleman instead a getting an Anglo actor to do a Hollywood stereotype? Rooney squints his eyes, wears oversized false teeth and a kimono and speaks in an I-guess-what-he-thought-to-be a Japanese accent. I have met many Japanese men, and none are anything like Rooney’s character. I found him to be offensive, as I suppose any self-respecting Japanese person does as well.

Of course, it was all intentional. This being a romantic comedy, they wanted some character comic relief, but why does it always have to be somebody black (or gay) or other ethnicity to provide it? I’m sure that Sessue Hayakawa or James Shigeta would have insisted on playing that part with respectful dignity, but they didn’t want that and is probably why they weren’t considered. It would seem that some white people have no qualms making fun of people who are different from themselves.

I recently learned that director Blake Edwards did receive a lot of flak for that aspect of the film, regretted his decision and wished too late that he could have done it over. But I am not buying his after-the-fact naivete and remorse. He must have known how offensive he was being but just didn’t care at the time. He only regretted it when he was called on it and realized that everybody did not share his racist apathy and would not go along with such disrespect.

Mickey must have needed the money very badly to allow himself to be exploited like that. Major stars turn down roles offered them all the time, when they feel a certain part is not to their liking. Animal lover, Betty White, declined the part of Helen Hunt’s mother in As Good As It Gets (1997), because she didn’t like the way a dog was to be treated in the film.

There is a scene in A Pocketful of Miracles (1961), which has Glenn Ford talking on the telephone with someone whom he does not want to know it’s he. So he effects an exaggerated “Japanese” accent, and the guy on the line buys it. When the man confronts Ford later, he tells him that when he called his home, his Japanese servant told him that he was not in. How did he know for sure that the guy was Japanese without seeing him? It was based entirely on a stereotyped parody of a voice heard on the phone. In Lady on a Train (1945) Deanna Durbin actually utters this line, “He had bucked teeth, just like a Jap.” I was not aware that all “Japs” have bucked teeth, or that they are the only people who do.

I often wonder if actors have any say-so about some of the lines they are expected to say on screen. As I did with that Finian’s Rainbow that I was in and Hattie McDaniel and others before me, they could have protested. “I’m not saying that. It’s racist, stupid and unnecessary, besides!” What are they going to do, fire their star because they refused to utter an offensive line that has nothing to do with the story or their performance? That kind of compliance to me suggests that they (the writer, producer/director and actor) must agree with the particular sentiment or action, but they will be the first ones to say, “I’m not racist. I was just doing my job.”

During the Hollywood studio system, some of their actors were not even allowed to be what they really were. While she was Margarita Cansino, all she could play were minor Latina parts. So in order for her to be a star, they had to transform her ethnic persona to make her more “white.” They made her a redhead and changed her facial features. With a name change to go with it, she then became Rita Hayworth. Nowadays, Latina entertainers wouldn’t think of doing such a thing, nor would anybody want or expect them to.

American Indians, too, got fucked over by the Hollywood system. In Buck Benny Rides Again (1940), for example, the black characters in the film were given more respect than the Indians! Even the blacks were poking fun at them and perpetuating Indian stereotypes, with guidance from the white producers, I’m sure.

The nursery rhyme which provides the basis for Agatha Christie’s novel and play Ten Little Indians was originally entitled Ten Little Niggers, but I suppose some subsequent P.C. sensitivity caused it to be changed to the other title. They must have considered Indians to be less offensive, or really didn’t care if it wasn’t. Thankfully, even that title has since been changed to the non-specific And Then There Were None, and the doomed characters of the poem have been upgraded to “Ten Little Soldier Boys,” which doesn’t make a lot of sense, as said boys could not be real soldiers. They are only children, after all, so they must be playing at being soldiers. One can get to be too P.C. to the point of illogicality.

In Annie Get Your Gun (1950) Buffalo Bill Cody has befriended Chief Sitting Bull and his Sioux tribesmen and is allowing them to participate in his touring Wild West Show. While traveling by train, the Indians are relegated to their own car and are not encouraged to mingle with the white folks. During their performances, too, Indian spectators have to watch in the designated area with the big sign, “Indians Stand Here.” So, not only did they segregate them, they wouldn’t even provide seating for them!

It was once pointed out to me that Woody Allen, one of my favorite filmmakers, never uses black people in any of his movies. That couldn’t be farther from the truth, because in his Take the Money and Run (1969), there are several blacks who appear in the film with him. There is a little boy shining shoes in one scene, a big, brutish-looking street thug, a couple of pool hustlers and a few prison convicts. I have even caught sight of a black maid or two in some of his later films. In Bananas (1971) afro-coifed Dorthi Fox (who?!) has a bit part as a witness during a trial scene, and I saw one black man on the jury.

The more well-known Geoffrey Holder [1930-2014] is in Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask (1972). Several blacks appear in Sleeper (1973), including a female party guest whom Woody’s character makes out with. There is a scene in his Love and Death (1975) with a black drill instructor blessing out Woody, but being a bit part, it’s also played by an unknown, as well as the two unknown black extras with whom Woody is trying to assimilate in Zelig (1983), and some black extras appear in Manhattan (1979) as well as Crimes and Misdemeanors (1989), as well as Alice (1990). The Allen film that I worked on, Hannah and Her Sisters (1986), I don’t actually appear in—only my voice was used. But singer/pianist Bobby Short makes an appearance in the film, playing himself.

Woody at last did feature a number of black and even Asian players in the musical numbers of his Everyone Says I Love You (1996). They are used in natural settings, as street people and hospital personnel, for example, and I spied several black extras in Midnight in Paris (2011). He did give Hazelle Goodman (who?!) a more substantial part of a hooker (with whom Woody’s character has sex, no less!) in his Deconstructing Harry (1997). Before he became an Oscar nominee for 12 Years a Slave (2013), Chiwetel Ejiofor, has a prominent role in Melinda and Melinda (2005), as well as does Daniel Sunjata. So Woody has used blacks often. Why he has not cast more major, well-known black actors in a starring or featured role in any of his films, is anybody’s guess. I don’t know, having not spoken to him about it. Maybe some have been asked, but they all turned him down, perhaps. Or maybe he prefers to use unknowns and minor actors over the big stars, which is his prerogative.

Whenever a movie needs a token sacrifice, who is the first, and sometimes only, one that they will kill off? The Negro or the queer, who else? They will sometimes even write a black or gay character into the script, just to have somebody to kill! Of course, horror and mystery film villains still prey on women, too, for the most part. It’s their way of reminding us who the less-than-first-class citizens are and who they deem socially dispensable.

Here’s an example that comes to mind. Anyone who has read Stephen King’s The Shining and saw the 1980 movie version too, knows of the many changes of plot elements made by director Stanley Kubrick. There are only four main characters in the story, the Torrance family—father, mother, and 5-year-old boy—and the black hotel cook named Hallorann, played by Scatman Crothers [1910-1986] in the movie. Spoiler Alert! For those unfamiliar with the story, Jack Torrance (Jack Nicholson), along with his wife (Shelley Duvall) and son (Danny Lloyd), take jobs as the off-season caretakers at a haunted resort hotel in Colorado. Jack is possessed by the evil spirits in the hotel in no time and becomes a real nutcase, and by the end of the movie is chasing his family through the house and an outdoor garden maze with intent to kill them. This being a thriller, somebody has to die, and we can’t kill Shelley, the costar, or the little boy, and the producers did not want either of them to be depicted as murderers themselves. So who’s left? “I know, let’s kill the shvartzer!” In King’s book, Hallorann is the hero of the story by rescuing the two from crazy Jack and getting them out of the hotel before it blows up. In the movie version, however, Jack kills Hallorann. Better that the insignificantly-deemed black man dies rather than any of the white stars of the film. Well, having failed to kill his family, Jack freezes to death out in the snow.

Even in King’s TV movie, The Langoliers, the cast of ten includes one black man (Frankie Faison) whose only purpose in the story is to be murdered (at least in the movie version; I haven’t read the book) by the mentally-disturbed member of the group (Bronson Pinchot). There are only three other deaths: the title monsters had to kill somebody, so of course, they eat their creator; there is one sympathy death of a blind girl and one sacrificial suicide. But of the four, the black guy is the first to go.

One near exception was the original Night of the Living Dead (1968), in which the one black person in the film is the last surviving hero. I have mixed feelings about the ending, however, because although I like the ironic twist that he manages to defeat and survive all the zombies, only to be shot and killed by a live redneck with a rifle, the fact remains that they still kill off the single black guy!

My mother told me about a storyline years ago on her favorite daytime drama, “The Young and the ‘Breastless‘” (I never watched it myself), about a breakout of AIDS among some of the characters. Now the show had only a few black characters as it was, but who do you think were the first to contract the AIDS and die? Why, the black characters, of course! We are all diseased anyway, you know.

Although film queerdom is still a white thing, for the most part, at least it has been acknowledged from time to time that there are black gays in the world. But whenever there is a black male homosexual character depicted on screen, why is he almost always the nelly, flaming sissy, drag queen or transsexual variety? They must figure, why not present a negative image of both blacks and gays at the same time whenever we can? I am not saying that that is a negative image, necessarily, but somebody must think that it is, is why they are presented that way. They couldn’t be doing it as a loving tribute, and they can’t think that we all find it a flattering depiction. Those who don’t know any better even may come to think that all black, gay men are screaming queens. Two recent, current exceptions are Andre Braugher [1962-2023] on “Brooklyn Nine Nine” and Kevin Daniels on “Sirens,” who play normal, inoffensive gay characters.

In the case of homosexuals in films, more often than not, they either killed themselves out of self-loathing or got horribly murdered, as if that is what they deserved. Was this some kind of cinematic social justice? Of course, I’m talking about earlier films. Fortunately, in more recent years there has been a big change in attitude with the way gays are treated on screen, in that respect.

In fact, film and especially TV have become the epitome of racial diversity and general human tolerance as well. Still somewhat unrealistic but at least in a positive vein, characters tend not to be racist or bigoted anymore. It’s not even an issue. Since TV seems to set the standards for social behavior and attitudes, maybe it will catch on in the real world as well toward total universal acceptance. I only hope that I live long enough to experience it.

[Related articles: Black History, Part 1–Did You Know?; Black History, Part 2–Slavery and Its Aftermath; Black History, Part 4–Criminal Injustice; Black History, Part 5–Biased Concerns; Color Issues; Some Racial Observations and Assessments; Stereotyping and Profiling, Racial and Otherwise; Walt Disney, a Racist? Who’d’ve Thunk It?]

Confessions of a “Petophile”

(# Bless the beasts and the children… #)
I seem to have a mutual affinity for animals and children. Other people’s pets readily take to me, even those whose owners consider them to be basically unfriendly with most people. Babies and children like me, too, and I respect them. Children and animals are not easily fooled. They can read people pretty well. They seem to realize what a kind, non-threatening person I am, and they trust me. At least animals are not color-prejudiced. When I was teaching public school, all my students liked me. I give you my methods of how to relate to children in my blog entitled Parenting 101.

When I was a kid living in South Bend, my family kept only pets that required minimum care. We had several goldfish for a time (any of which we called “Fish”), a little turtle another time (which we called “Turtle”), and a parakeet (which we called “Bird”). It seems that we didn’t bother much with pet names in those days. We also took care of a couple of cats at different times, which we adopted when they kept coming around to our yard. One was an orange-striped female named Carmel (as in “car’mel corn”). We don’t know how she died. We found her underneath the house one day, dead.

I like snakes and had thought about getting myself a boa constrictor whenever I got my own apartment in NYC. I even went shopping for one at my local pet store, but I changed my mind. I didn’t want to pay that much for one (I think it was about $50, probably more, and I didn’t have much money in those days), and I didn’t want to have to deal with the mice that I had to feed it every few weeks. So I passed on that little venture. I would like a chimpanzee for a pet, if I had the facility. They seem to be playful and fun.

Dogs and I didn’t always have this respectful rapport with each other, however. As a kid, I was a bit afraid of strange dogs because they would chase me all the time. Well, I guess they couldn’t chase me if I were not running, but I wasn’t going to stand there and let them possibly bite me. I would be walking through an alley or somewhere and somebody’s old yard dog would growl and bark at me, and startled, I would start to run. And then they’d come after me (some were not chained up or anything). I always outran them, thankfully, and I’ve never been bitten, but the occasional ordeals certainly did not endear me to embrace canine familiarity. I didn’t overcome my cynophobia until I got to college in Bloomington and started meeting my friends’ pet pooches.

I love puppies, though. In fact, I like all baby animals. Aren’t they precious? My favorite dog breeds are probably Dalmatians (they are so pretty), golden retrievers and German shepherds, but I prefer small dogs to the larger ones. My family didn‘t have any dogs while I was growing up, although my stepfather kept one for a while after I had left home, and my sister, Debbie, has had a dog with each of her two marriages, but not anymore. Her two daughters, however, both have dogs. I would never have a dog myself. My Manhattan apartment is so tiny, a dog wouldn’t have enough room to romp and play. There is hardly enough room here for myself. I wouldn’t subject a poor dog to such an environment. Jeez, what am I saying? I live in a place that’s not fit for a dog to live in!

Then too, most dogs require too much care and attention, at least more than I am willing to give them. I suppose that some dogs are intelligent in some respects. You can teach them tricks and such, but I have never been able to understand why most dogs cannot be properly toilet-trained like cats are. All this putting down newspaper for puppies and taking them outdoors to do their “bidness” when they get older, would be such a bother to me. I mean, sometimes I stay in the house for days on end. Maybe I don’t want to go out. Why won’t dogs use the bathroom or a litter box like everybody else? I never had to teach any of my cats how to use the litter box. They seem to know instinctively, even the kittens. A dog can be trained to restrain from shitting and pissing in the house and to hold it until they go out for their walk, so why can’t they be taught to use the toilet in the bathroom?

I also do not like the sounds that dogs make. I can’t abide their incessant barking, at least those who do that, and they even make noise when they walk and breathe. Cats are quiet and clean. Dogs stink and carry fleas and ticks. Most dogs hate to be left alone for even a short period of time. Cats seem much better to be able to cope with temporary separation. Dogs are always up in your face wanting to play. I suppose I would appreciate their utter devotion and unbridled enthusiasm, but sometimes I just want to be left alone. Cats understand this, being that way themselves, you see. We do seem to have similar temperaments and the same sense of independence about us. So you see, rather than someone who likes dogs and cats equally as well, I am more of a cat person who will take a cat over a dog any day. I don’t mind other people’s dogs. I just wouldn’t have one myself to care for.

Ain’t that cute?

As long as I can remember, I have loved cats, the wild variety as well as the domestic kind. I would like to have a friendship with a big cat, like a tiger or lion or cheetah or leopard or jaguar. I met a guy once who owned an ocelot, which he paid a few hundred dollars for, and it lived with him in his small Greenwich Village apartment. I heard later that the poor animal died not too long after he got it, probably from being confined in such a small space. He was so beautiful! (So was the ocelot.)

I also met a serval years ago, who belonged to a male couple in Warwick, NY, where the Flirtations had a gig one night. A serval is an African wildcat, similar to a lynx, with long ears and a tawny, spotted coat. The difference here is, however, this cat is not as large as an ocelot, and these guys lived in a large, two-story rural house with plenty of romping room for the animal.

Although I was doing quite a bit of touring from 1975 to 2015, since I’ve been in New York, I have managed to house and care for a total of 15 cats! My very first NY cat and one of my favorites was a gray-with-black-stripes male shorthair, whom I named Puki. I didn’t know what the name meant at the time; I thought I had made it up. But it sounds Hawaiian, perhaps, doesn’t it? I later learned, from a Filipino friend of mine, that it is the Tagalog word for “pussy.” How about that? I acquired Puki from a friend at 2-months-old, and he was only 2-years-old when I lost him. I would take Puki out for walks to Central Park, and he would walk right alongside me, without a leash! Puki was a Pisces and seemed fascinated by water. He used to hang out in the bathroom while I would be taking my bath (my first apartment did not have a shower) and even when I was running my water. He slept lying across my pillow above my head every night. He was so cute and sweet and adored me, apparently.

For 10 months, as a favor to a friend, I took in a couple of females named Pinky and Sapphire. Sapphire was returned eventually, and Pinky got out one day and ran away, while in another person’s care. While I still had these three, however, [Miss] Kitty came into my life. She just wandered into my apartment building one day, from who knows where, and seduced me into keeping her. I’m not even sure how old she was at the time, but not yet full-grown. She was the best cat ever, and she outlasted all the rest. She was my sweetheart, my baby. She was basically black with brown markings. She was always in perfect health. I had to take her to the vet only twice—for her initial shots and when I had her spayed after her second litter.

I was on the go a lot in those days—I even changed apartments twice during that time—but Kitty stayed by me through thick and thin. During the spring of 1978, I had the good fortune to go on tour with Harry Belafonte as one of his backup singers. That year we did pan-Canada, Bermuda and Monte-Carlo. During the three months I was away, I had sublet my apartment to a man who agreed to look after my two cats during my absence. Fred turned out not to be very reliable, however. One day a mysterious fire occurred somewhere in the building, and Fred freaked out and fled the premises, leaving Puki and Kitty behind.

When I eventually came back to my abandoned apartment after the tour several weeks later, there was Kitty, sitting on my bed, waiting for me! I don’t know what kept her alive all that time. How and what did she eat? Puki had apparently run off somewhere (maybe to look for me or something to eat?), and he didn’t come back. But if Kitty left, too, at some point, she didn’t stay away, because there she was! She never told me how she managed without me all those months. Maybe some cats do have nine lives. Kitty had already survived two fires. That will always remain a mystery, I guess. (“Is a puzzlement!”)

The Animal Planet cable channel aired a series called “My Cat From Hell” that dealt with problematic felines. A “cat behaviorist” named Jackson Galaxy visited cat owners’ homes and tried to fix the disharmony between them and their regarded evil, unruly cats. Around Christmastime in 1978, as a favor to a friend of mine, I took in the anathema of all cats. I think this cat certainly would have qualified for the show. Her given name was Princess, but I renamed her Amneris (another spiteful bitch princess). She was a campus cat (my friend taught European History at Fairleigh Dickinson University in New Jersey), so I guess she preferred to be outdoors.

That cat hated my and everybody else’s guts. Although I constantly tried my best to bond with her, she never did warm up to me or the other cats, in three-and-a-half years! Even my being the patient person that I am, I don’t know why I put up with her for as long as I did. She stayed hidden under things all the time and would not socialize with any of us. She would hiss and growl at anyone who would come near her. She wouldn’t even come out of hiding to use the litter box in the bathroom and started doing her business right where she was. I told the bitch, ‘If you shit on my floor one more time, you are out of here!‘ Of course, she did anyway. Since I was obviously keeping her against her will, I decided to give her her freedom. ‘Have a good rest of your life, Miss Thing. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!’

In the spring of 1980 I decided that it was time for Kitty to experience childbirth, so I adopted a month-old beige-with-tan-stripes male and named him Radamés (aka Roddy). For them it was love at first heat. While neither of them were fixed at the time, I’ve often wondered why Puki had never knocked her up during the time they spent together. Maybe he was gay? Hmm. That would explain a lot.

Kitty’s first confinement bore her two solid black male kittens, whom I named Kwame and Otomo (Swahili names). They were virtually identical except for Kwame’s white whiskers. Kwame (or was it Otomo?–I don’t remember which) became my shadow very early on, when he used to follow me around the apartment, everywhere I went. I had to check where I stepped because he was always underfoot. I suppose I was flattered to have this kitten’s unbridled love for me. In less than four months later Kitty again gave birth, this time to a litter of six! But I pulled a “Sophie’s Choice” number on her when I told her that she could keep only two, so she obediently let the other four die.

The two survivors, both male, became Roddy Junior, who looked just like his sire, and Itzhak, also solid black, but who was born with a deformed or “crippled” tail, hence the name. Get it? So then there were six (count ’em, six) fucking cats (all male except for Kitty) in my little one-room apartment! I had gotten rid of Amneris by this time. And did those critters work my nerves! I can understand what the parents of the Dilley Sextuplets must have gone through. All day long it was, ‘Stop that! Don’t! Get down from there! Hey, y’all! Quit!’ I thought, Wait a minute! Who’s paying the rent here? These damn cats have taken over this place!

A Clowder of Cats

One night, as I was lying in my loft bed reflecting on the day before falling off to sleep, I noticed that Kitty was not in the bed with me, as she always (or nearly always) slept with me. I didn’t remember seeing her all day, in fact. When did I see her last? I couldn’t recall. I called her, got up, turned on the lights and looked for her. She wasn’t in the apartment. Hmm, where could she be, and how did she get out? I penned a note explaining Kitty’s absence and asking for help in recovering her and posted it on the wall in the hallway in front of the stairs, so that the other tenants would see it (I am on the first floor), then went on back to bed.

Well, the very next morning, there was a knock on my door. It was my upstairs neighbor, Brenda. She said to me, “Why are you just now asking about your cat?” ‘Because I just missed her last night.’ “Just missed her?” she queried incredulously. “I have had this cat at my place for the last three weeks!” I stood there mouth agape, dumbfounded. ‘Get out of here, Brenda! How could that be? Three weeks?!’ “I’m not shitting you, Cliff. I found this cat wandering the halls three weeks ago and took her in. I didn’t know that she was yours.” I thought back to the night of our tenants’ meeting, when I was standing in my doorway talking to my neighbor down the hall. Kitty had a habit of running out into the hall whenever I opened my door, but she always, or usually, ran back in before I closed it. Apparently, this time I didn’t see her and had locked her out. I checked the calendar. That meeting was indeed exactly 21 days ago!

To this day, I don’t know how I could have gone three whole weeks without even missing my favorite pet! I guess it was because with all those other cats here, the food was getting eaten up, and I was scooping the litter daily. Kitty was very quiet even when she was here and kept a very low profile. But that’s still no excuse, not even to notice that she was gone all that time. Why didn’t I miss her in my bed all those nights? Don’t parents with multiple children do a head count every night before they go to bed? I must have been abducted by aliens those three weeks, and my memory was erased, or something. That has to be my greatest remorse as an otherwise responsible parent.

In November 1981 Roddy Sr. died of uremic poisoning caused by urethral blockage, enroute to the vet. His ailment was caused by too much dry food in his diet. The high ash content in those commercial dry cat foods is detrimental to a male cat’s urinary tract. I never knew this, however, since none of the Meow Mix TV commercials have ever imparted this important little fact to us pet-owner consumers. Economically, the dry food boxes go a lot farther than the individual meat-filled cans. I had no idea that my choice was jeopardizing anybody’s health. So in essence, I suppose that I unwittingly killed my cat.

A month later I had to leave for another lengthy tour and I couldn’t get anyone to take my kittens for me, so I gave them all to the ASPCA for adoption (or whatever they do to them there). That left only Miss Kitty, and she had me all to herself again, when I returned.

In the summer of ’82, while I was doing Show Boat in Hazleton, Pennsylvania, two sweet, little 3-month-old male kittens (they probably were brothers) were entrusted to me to look after during my 3-week stay there. I named them Gaylord and Hamilton after the lead character from the show. (Gaylord Ravenal plays the Parson Hamilton Brown in the play done on the showboat.) I decided not to keep them, so I left them on the premises when I returned to NYC. I don’t remember who was looking after Kitty while I was away that time.

I acquired another male kitten in the summer of ’86, but Kitty didn’t like him for some reason. I expect that she had become more possessive of me in her advanced age. So I gave Hermés (pronounced “air-MESS”) to my artist friend, Leonardo, as a housewarming gift, who, in turn, left him with his roommate when he moved to Florida the following year. I finally had to give up Kitty as well in 1990, when I got busy with the Flirtations and traveling most of the time, and entrusted her to my late boyfriend, Jim, who lived in East Orange, New Jersey. He subsequently gave her up, leaving her there with his former roommate, when Jim moved to another town. I don’t know where Kitty ended up. I suspect that she was at least 15-years-old when I saw her last!

Portrait of me and Miss Kitty. Artist: Leonardo Scirica

Now that I was not traveling much anymore in 1995 and was staying close to home, I decided that I would like to have another cat to keep me company. So when I saw the notice on a bar’s bulletin board that a man in my neighborhood had a whole slew, or rather clowder, of cats that he was trying to get rid of, I agreed to take one of them off his hands. When I went to this guy’s apartment, there were 21 (!) cats of varying sizes and ages on the premises, so you can understand his urgency. And I thought that I was the crazy cat person!

There was an attractive, 5-month-old male there who took an instant liking to me, and I almost took him, but I learned from my past experiences that male cats are more of a problem than females. There is that diet precaution in regard to dry food and their urinary tract, and they tend to spray when they reach a certain age. They have this thing about marking their territory, you see. Puki had done it, to my dismay. But it wasn’t so much that, as I have since learned how to deal with them. The thing is that I wanted a little kitten so that I could watch it grow. Besides, I just love kittens!

So I settled upon a frisky, 10-week-old female who was black with white feet, underbelly and whiskers. I named her Kutjing, which is Indonesian for “cat,” but she also earned several nicknames. I started calling her “[W]Hornella,” because of both her seemingly insatiable horniness and whorishness. From the time that she was 11 months old until I had her spayed 13 months later, she had gone into regular heat periods practically every other week. She would be in estrus for several days at a time and then a week later, she’d be ready to go again! Before I had Kitty spayed, she didn’t go into heat nearly that often.

I found ways to relieve Kutjing’s sexual frustration temporarily, by probing her vagina with Q-Tips and other makeshift kitty dildoes, but it didn’t last her very long. She seemed never to get enough. All day long all I heard was “Fuck me, Papi!” (in “Caterwaulese,” of course). Another nickname was “Acrobata,” because of her athletic prowess. She loved to jump and climb on everything, including me!

I got into a discussion one time with some other pet owners about whether dogs and cats recognize their given names. I offered that if they do, then my cat must have thought that her name was “Git-down!” She certainly heard that more often than her other names. Her subsequent spaying, however, did render the “Whornella” epithet obsolete, and I replaced it with “Thumper” (like Bambi’s little bunny friend). She developed this new habit of loudly banging her feet and/or tail against the floor, the door, the bathtub or the refrigerator on frequent occasions.

Kutjing was rather willful and tended to do as she pleased, to hell with me! And she had an infuriating habit of knocking things onto the floor, anything that was not fastened down. Besides my souvenir glass vase, she broke a mirror, a clock and my blender, among other things, and made a shambles of my vinyl LP record collection by using the edges as her personal scratching post. She wouldn’t go near the one made specifically for that purpose, and for which I paid $15! She was actually very sweet and affectionate, just so damned hard-headed!

I look at it this way. I considered this cat, and all the others in my care, to be my adopted children, and if you have a problem child, you don’t just turn them in for a better model when they don’t do what’s expected of them. That’s not fair to the child or to the next people who get them. Being my responsibility, I just had to deal with it. In the case of Amneris, however, she displayed no redeeming qualities and seemed to be a hopeless cause. I did my best with her, to no avail, so she had to go.

On March 24, 2002, Palm Sunday, I went to church as usual, and when I returned home in the early afternoon, I found Kutjing dead. I don’t know the cause of death. I do know that only the day before, she had stopped eating and was lying around more than usual, not her normal, energetic self. On the surface she didn’t seem to be in any kind of pain, but I knew something was wrong, I just didn’t know what. It all happened so suddenly, and being a weekend, I didn’t even have a chance to take her to a vet. I just put the poor little thing in a shopping bag and set her outside with the trash.

So then I was alone again for the next 14 years. By 2005 I had started traveling and cruising a lot with the New York Vagabonds, and it was not convenient at that time to keep a pet, as I don’t have a regular sitter and I don’t like to impose upon anyone. Now that the Vagabonds were on an indefinite, extended hiatus, I was in the position to care for another cat, although I was not actively looking for one. But when my musician neighbor, Clarissa (she is a cellist), asked me to look after Midnight, a solid black (except for a white patch on her underbelly) female cat, for a few days while she was out-of-town, I agreed. Clarissa called on me a few more times, but the last time I took Midnight for her, she neglected to take her back. So after two years, I considered Midnight my cat.

It turned out that Midnight liked me more than she did her original owner. Clarissa is more high-strung and tended to yell at the cat all the time, which I don’t think she liked. I am the more laid-back, even-tempered type. I never raised my voice to her, not that she ever gave me any reason to, and I managed to gain her trust. She loved sitting in my lap and being petted and caressed. She even nuzzled me and licked my head. She never did any of that with Clarissa. This cat was quite well-behaved. She was old and just slept most of the time. During our time together we formed a close and loving bond. She was affectionate and had a very cute and expressive face.

Midnight went to the “heavyside layer,” relieving me of her company on January 28, 2019. For more than a week prior, I noticed that something was wrong. She stopped eating and became so weak. She couldn’t even climb up on her favorite chair. She died peacefully in my arms. There you have an account of my children, or rather, foster children, or the closest I’ll probably ever get to having any.

I once had a friend who was about to move in with his new lover, who lived with a cat. Tristan had never owned a cat and didn’t know anything about them. So he asked me one day, “How do I relate to a cat? What are they like?” I told him to regard a cat just like he would any other person. They are all individuals with their own personality and temperament. No two are exactly alike, just like humans. Just get to know the cat and treat him accordingly, I told him.

I don’t take too agreeably to the practice of the buying and selling of animals. The same objection goes for professional propagators—people whose job it is to breed dogs and other animals for the sole purpose of selling the offspring for lots of money. Animals belong to nature, and I don’t think it’s right for someone to capitalize on them by putting a price tag on them. It’s not right to sell children or other people for profit, so why should innocent animals be similarly exploited? But that’s me.

I heard a news report that at any one time there are 8 million dogs, alone, who don’t have homes. So I don’t understand why, when the animal shelters in this country are desperate to have people take the dogs and cats they have off their hands, prospective pet owners will go to a pet shop and pay for one instead.

I have never paid for any of the pets that I have cared for. Why would somebody pay sometimes hundreds of dollars for a certain breed of dog, when they probably could have gotten the exact same kind for free at their local ASPCA facility or animal shelter? Then they keep on breeding more and more instead of adopting the ones already here. And what about those people who pay thousands of dollars for tropical fish! For what? All they do is swim around and look pretty. And then there’s the life uncertainty of living creatures. Do you want to pay a lot of money for an animal who may die within a couple of months, or less, of purchase? Just like that guy with the ocelot; that was a waste of good money. If you get a pet that you didn’t pay for and something happens to it, at least you haven’t lost any money.

I acquired all of my cats by direct adoption. But the time I tried to obtain one from a shelter, I was put through so many changes, I ended up not going through with it. It was as if I were trying to adopt a human child. What is my prior experience as a cat owner? What kind of parent will I be? Will I be at home most of the time to take care of the cat, and if I do have to go away, do I have a reliable, responsible person to watch her in my stead? Yes to all of that, not that it’s any of their business. After filling out all those questionnaires and such, they told me that they would let me know what they decide. They never did get back to me. How dare they question my parenting credentials. Unlike them, at least I won’t be confining the cat in a cage! The fucking hypocrites! On second thought, maybe that’s why some people choose to go the pet shop route. If you are paying for a pet, they don’t ask you any questions. They just take the money and run. But here I am trying to do those other people a favor by taking an unwanted cat off their hands, and they give me a hard time about it!

It’s been said that New York City has everything, and that includes specialty pet shops. One, Connoisseur Critters, reputed for having very talented animals on hand for sale, is located near Lincoln Center, and a friend of mine, after visiting the store, had this report to relate. He went in only to browse. He feels the same way I do about paying a lot of money for pets. He likes birds, however, especially parrots, so he asked the store clerk to show him some of their more special merchandise. “That’s a pretty bird there. How much is it?” “$5,000.” “What?! Why so much?” “Well, that parrot can sing all the arias from every Mozart opera.” “It can? How about that colorful one right there? How much is that?” “That one goes for $10,000, and he can sing the entire Wagner’s ‘Ring Cycle.'” “Get out of here! So what’s the story on that handsome fellow there next to him?” “I’m asking $20,000 for that one. He can sing all the arias and choruses from every Verdi opera!” “Wow! Too much! That’s incredible!” My friend was just about to leave the bird department when, in one of the cages, he spied an old, sad, disheveled, broken-down, decrepit, molting, pitiful-looking specimen of a parrot and said to the clerk, “That tired-looking number there must be cheap, at least. He looks like he’s on his last legs.” “Oh, but on the contrary, Sir. He’s worth more than all the rest. Try $40,000.” “You’ve got to be kidding! Forty-thousand for that thing?! What can he do in his condition?” “Well, I am not entirely sure, but all the other birds here call him ‘Maestro.'” (:Rimshot:)

TWO AND ONE ARE A PROBLEM by Ogden Nash

The mystical divinity of unashamed felinity…life to the everlasting cat, feline, fearless, faithful and true.”–T.S. Eliot