A ONE-ACT PLAY FOR THREE PERFORMERS
Cast of Characters:
Moderator
Man
Woman
(The three actors enter.)
Moderator: As opposed to those who may have a fear or loathing of palindromes…
Woman: Aibohphobia.
Moderator: We are here to celebrate our love for them. We hope you enjoy our efforts. To begin, this may be considered the First Introduction.
Man: Madam (in Eden), I’m Adam.
Woman: Eve mine. Denied, under a ban, a bared nude in Eden, I’m Eve.
Man: Named under a ban, a bared, nude man.
Woman: Eve, maiden name. Both sad in Eden. I dash to be manned, I am Eve.
Man: Mad as it is, it is Adam.
Woman: I’m a madam, Adam, am I?
Man: Aloha, hola!
(There is a screen on the back of the stage which will display various pictures throughout the skit. The first is a picture of the Panama Canal. The Moderator goes to it, points to Man then to the picture.)
Moderator: This is probably one of the most famous or best-known.
Woman: A man, a plan, a canal—Panama!
(Moderator then holds up and indicates said items.)
Man: A car, a man, a maraca.
Moderator: What do you have to say about this car?
Woman: Race fast, safe car.
Man: Anne, I vote more cars race Rome to Vienna.
Woman: Reg, no lone car won, now race no longer.
Man: Won race, so loth to lose car now.
Woman: Rat race lines oppose Nile car tar.
Man: Yell up Elba car, O fallen Nella, for a cable pulley.
Woman: Speed panel bib Noel car; I’m on Devil Star. Rats lived no miracle on bible-nap deeps.
Man: A Toyota’s a Toyota.
Woman: Civic.
Man (singing in a high falsetto voice): # Was it a car or a cat I saw? / Was it a bar or a bat I saw? / Was it a rat I saw? #
Woman: O tarts! A castrato!
Man: Beware venom! Music I summon, ever a web.
Woman: Ron, Eton mistress asserts I’m no tenor.
Man: We name opera, rare poem, anew.
Woman: ‘I’d revel; bong! illicit song,’ Aida signals. Slang is a diagnostic ill, ignoble Verdi.
Man: Cite operas as are poetic.
Woman: Cite opera? We fail, Eli. A few are poetic.
Man: Are ponies, Iona, a noise in opera?
Woman: No drone to trio—Memoir to tenor Don.
Man: La, not atonal.
Woman: Egad! A base tone denotes a bad age.
Moderator: This is attributed to Napoleon Bonaparte.
Man: Able was I ere I saw Elba.
Moderator: I understand you have a variation on this, Ma’am?
Woman: Unremarkable was I ere I saw Elba Kramer. Nu?
Moderator: Using ampersands…
Man: Snug & raw was I ere I saw war & guns.
Woman: A dum reb was I ere I saw Bermuda.
(Man and Woman both sit on placed chairs. At their discretion the actors mostly direct their lines to each other, but some are to the audience or to nobody in particular.)
Man: I, man, am regal; a German am I.
Woman: Ned, I am a maiden.
Man: Miss, I’m Cain, a monomaniac. Miss, I’m…
Woman: Maid examined, I am a Miss all right. I, Lilith, girl, lass; I’m a maiden. I’m axed, I am.
Man: Maiden, if no craft so melts a chassé legato of foot ageless, ah, castle most far, confined I am.
Woman: I’m alright, I, Lilith, girl am I.
Man: Name’s Abel, a male base man.
Woman: Ma is a nun, as I am.
Man: Pa’s a sap.
Woman: Now Ned, I am a maiden nun; Ned, I am a maiden won.
Man: Ma is as selfless as I am.
Woman: Norma is as selfless as I am, Ron.
Man: Roy Ames, I was a wise mayor.
Woman: In a regal age, ran I.
Man: Roy, am I mayor?
Woman: No, son.
Man: ‘Not New York?’ Roy went on.
Woman: No, Sam, as I told a bad lot, is a mason.
Man: Diana saw Dr. Awkward was an aid.
Woman: I’m Agnes, nineteen, I’m axed examinee ten in S.E. Ngami.
Man: Aid and abet Amis as I mate bad Nadia.
Woman: Sore was I ere I saw Eros.
Man: So, remain a mere man. I am Eros.
Woman: Sores? Alas, Eros!
Man: All erotic, I lose lame female solicitor, Ella.
Woman: Adam, I’m Ada.
Man: Sis, Sargasso moss a grass is.
Woman: Sir, I’m Iris.
Man: Star—Come Donna Melba; I’m an amiable man; no Democrats.
Woman: Sir, I demand. I am a maid named Iris.
Man: Dammit, I’m mad!
Woman: Mad Adam.
Moderator: Why, what’s the matter, my good man?
Man: No melons, no lemon.
Moderator: What?!
Woman: Egad! Loretta has Adams as mad as a hatter. Old age.
Man: I saw desserts; I’d no lemons, alas, no melon. Distressed was I.
Woman: ‘Deliver desserts,’ demanded Nemesis, ‘emended, named, stressed, reviled.’
Man: ‘Sirrah! Deliver deified desserts detartrated.’ stressed deified, reviled Harris.
Woman: Desserts I desire not, so long no lost one rise distressed.
Man: ‘Ma,’ Jerome raps pot top, ‘spare more jam!’
Moderator: What are some of your food preferences?
Woman: A nut for a jar of tuna.
Moderator: And you?
Man: Go hang a salami. I’m a lasagna hog.
Woman: Ma handed Edna ham.
Man: Ma has a ham?
Woman: I, Nora, came most egotistic, it’s I to get some macaroni.
Man: Emil asleep, Hannah peels a lime.
Woman: Emil asleep, Allen yodelled, ‘Oy.’ Nella peels a lime.
Man: Nella, demand a lad named Allen.
Woman: Nella risks all; I will ask Sir Allen.
Man: Nella’s simple hymn—“I Attain My Help, Miss Allen.”
Woman: Nella won’t set a test now, Allen.
Man: Lisa Bonet ate no basil.
Woman: Basil is a B__ !
Man: A rod, not a bar, a baton, Dora.
Woman: Not a banana baton?
Man: Well, Rae paid for one defoliated gift; ah, what fig detail of Eden, or of Di, a pearl. Lew.
Woman: No, sir, away! A papaya war is on.
Man: No fig nor wrong if on.
Woman: Mad, a gift; I fit fig, Adam.
Man: Malcontent eye, vile by a grot, a cove; evocator gay, be, live, yet net no clam.
Woman: I pot coyotes. I won’t open fire, sir, at a riser if N.E. pot no wise toy octopi.
Man: Doc, note, I dissent. A fast never prevents a fatness. I diet on cod.
Woman: Drat such cod! Rum, sir. I’m orf. Marcel—‘Liver, grisette, lemonade, cider, free beer, Fred, iced.’ An omelette, Sir Greville? Cram! From Iris Murdoch—’Custard.’
Man: Huge knife, ebony baby; no beef in keg, uh?
Woman: May a moody baby doom a yam?
Man: Drowsy baby’s word.
Woman: Lay a wallaby baby ball away, Al.
Man: Sleepy baby peels.
Woman: Revenge my baby, Meg? Never!
Moderator: What about potent potables, then?
Man: Rum…rum, I murmur.
Woman: Red rum, sir, is murder.
Man: Red rum, eh? ‘Twas I saw the murder.
Woman: Yes, clot! Sip, Isa, murder red rum as I pistol Casey.
Man: ‘Stop!’ nine myriad murmur. ‘Put up rum, rum, dairymen, in pots.’
Woman: Peel’s lager, no, red rum, did murder on regal sleep.
Man: Regal lager!
Woman: Lager, sir, is regal.
Man: No, tip alcohol. I medicate Gert in sulphur (uh!) plus nitre. Get acid, Emil, oho, clap it on!
Woman: Nigh table to hotel bath gin.
Man: Campus motto—Bottoms up, Mac!
Woman: Yo! Bottoms up!…U.S. motto, boy.
Man: Otto made Ned a motto.
Woman: “Suit no regrets.”–a motto, Master Gerontius.
Moderator: But speaking of Casey…
Man: Wonder Casey. Esteem meets eye. Sacred now.
Woman: Yes, act! A ball, a bat, Casey!
Man: Yes, a call, a bat, a ball, a Casey!
Woman: Won’t I help miss it in mad stab? Yes, a Casey bats. Damn! It is simple. Hit now.
Man: Stratagem off, O Yale dude; lay off Omega tarts!
Woman: A hero-monster frets no more. Ha!
Man: Naomi, sex at noon taxes, I moan.
Woman: A slut nixes sex in Tulsa.
Man: Live dirt up a sidetrack carted is a putrid evil.
Woman: Bog dirt up a sidetrack carted is a putrid gob.
Man: He, aside, sum amused Isa, eh?
Woman: Sex, Rex? Nil. Ever I revel in Xerxes.
Man: Help Max, Enid, in example ‘H’.
Woman: Poor Dan is in a droop.
Man: Amy, must I jiujitsu my ma?
Woman: Ha! I rush to my lion oily moths, Uriah.
Man: Harass selfless Sarah.
Woman: Was it felt? I had a hit left, I saw.
Man: Harass sensuousness, Sarah.
Woman: Matting is level. Sign it, Tam.
Man: Meek, I listen. No sonnets I like, Em.
Woman: Wolf fun, so snuff low.
Man: Eva, hot ma, I sail amid arrests. I go, Lois, ere heresiologists err; a dim alias I am to have.
Woman: North Girton sign, or “Wrong is not Right,” Ron.
Man: O Stone, be not so!
Woman: O stone me? Not so.
Man: Name not so, O stone man!
Woman: Milestones? Oh, ‘twas I saw those, not Selim.
Man: Ha! Robed Selim smiles, Deborah.
Woman: ‘Pooh,’ smiles Eva, ‘have Selim’s hoop.’
Man: Yawn a more Roman way.
Woman: No Roman a moron.
Man: A new order began; a more Roman Age bred Rowena.
Woman: Slew obstacled if nided rows at a Roman idol, Canis. Sin, a clod inamorata, sworded infidel cats’ bowels.
Man: Went on Rowena—’Lo, I’ve not one viola, new or not new.’
Woman: Go, fatal ccllo-doll! Éclat? A fog.
Man: Set on wold, lose, oh! Cello, Rhoda, so sad. Oh, roll echoes, old low notes.
Woman: Won’t Paganini nag apt now?
Man: Loofahs in a violin! In a gap in my hymn, I, Paganini, lo, I vanish, a fool!
Woman: He’s done no B. Mortal lull. A trombone nods, eh?
Man: A long nip, path sin? If I nap, my tympani finish tapping, Nola.
Woman: Won pots. Spa tympanists, I nap, my taps stop now.
Man: Murder O’Dally, eh? Tenor drone; they’ll adore drum.
Woman: Sh, Rhona! I play organ, nag royal piano (HRH’s).
Man: Snag royal. Piano, Mona? I play organs.
Woman: Nude, note not oceanic ace piano on a ipecac in a ecotone, tone dun.
Man: Nurse, ye no yen, O melodic ace piano on a ipecac I dole money on eyes. Run!
Woman: O dire Cremona! I prefer piano, Mercer, I do.
Man: ‘Di, as Ned, Alec, I don’t sin. I play oboe mortal flat,’ Romeo boy alpinist, no dice laden, said.
Woman: ‘Di, as I slap, pay no HP, my symphony appals,’ I said.
Man: Revel. Carts, eh, cross? I hiss. Orchestra clever.
Woman: Ten? No bass orchestra tarts, eh? Cross a bonnet.
Man: Nola departs, eh? Cross. I miss orchestra. Pedal on.
Woman: Here no orchestral arts, eh, crooner, eh?
Man: Nurse, I spy gypsies. Run!
Woman: ‘Nurses, run!’ says sick Cissy as nurses run.
Man: Nurse, save rare vases. Run!
Woman: Nurse’s onset abates, noses run.
Man: Nurse! Major General (faded a flare) Negro James. Run!
Woman: Red roses run no risk, sir, on nurse’s order.
Man: Resume so pacific a pose, muser.
Woman: Sit on a potato pan, Otis.
Man: Report paracetamol is not in unit on silo, mate. Car apt.—Roper.
Woman: See, few owe fees.
Man: Retracting, I sign it, Carter.
Woman: Are we not drawn onwards, we Jews, drawn onward to new era?
Man: No, it is open on one position.
Woman: Ah, Aristides opposed it, sir. Aha!
Man: No, it is opposed; art sees trade’s opposition.
Woman: So may get arts award; draw a strategy, Amos.
Man: Trade ye no mere moneyed art.
Woman: Rot corpse Sumatran art amuses proctor.
Man: Emdee, her art so melts a chassé legato of foot ageless. Ah, castle most rare, heed me.
Woman: Di heard art, Strad. Rae hid.
Man: Worse, Kama Sutra, sad loss, sold as art. USA makes row.
Woman: Trader saw a red underside Rossi, Tim; it is so, red is red, nude, raw as red art.
Man: No ostracised art for Eliot, a toiler of trades, I cart soon.
Woman: See, slave, I demonstrate yet arts no medieval sees.
Man: No spin, pals; as I see Sara snore, dips a spider on Sara, sees Isa’s lap, nips on.
Woman: Do geese see God?
Man: Euston sees not Sue.
Woman: St. Simon sees no mists.
Man: Gateman sees name; garageman sees nametag.
Man: Cora sees a roc.
Woman: Leon sees Noel.
Man: Noel sees Leon.
Woman: Arden sees Nedra.
Man: Nedra sees Arden.
Woman: Leon saw I was Noel.
Man: Noel saw I was Leon.
Woman: Arden saw I was Nedra.
Man: Nedra saw I was Arden.
Woman: Sh! Tom sees moths.
Man: Now I see bees. I won.
Woman: Ah, Satan sees Natasha.
Man: Ah, Satan, derogating Nita, hating Nita, gored Natasha.
Woman: Ah, Satan, dog deifier. Oh, who reified God, Natasha?
Man: Ah, Satan, shall a devil deliver Hannah? Reviled lived Allah’s Natasha.
Woman: Ah, Satan, no smug smirk rims gums on Natasha.
Man: Satan, oscillate my metallic sonatas.
Woman: Satan, O Satan, ere seven, my hero. Memo—Sin I some more, hymn, Eve, serenata sonatas.
Man: Di, did I as I said I did?
Woman: Do good? I, no! Evil anon I deliver. I maim nine more hero-men in Saginaw, sanitary sword a-tuck, Carol. I, lo! rack, cut a drowsy rat in Aswan. I gas nine more hero-men in Miami; reviled, I, Nona, live on. I do, O God!
Man: I maim nine men in Saginaw; wan, I gas nine men in Miami.
Woman: I maim nine more hero men in Miami.
Man: Do nine men interpret? Nine men I nod.
Woman: Draught nine men th’ guard.
Man: New lower cadets row nine men in worsted, a crew, Olwen.
Woman: New loose robes—oh, those—bore so Olwen.
Man: God, a red nugget, a fat egg under a dog.
Woman: Dog deifiers reified God.
Man: Do good’s deeds live on? No, evil’s deeds do, O God.
Woman: God, a slap; Paris, sir, appals a dog.
Man: He goddam mad dog, eh?
Woman: Goddesses so pay a possessed dog.
Man: Dogma—I am God.
Woman: Delifed Eros’ halo dims. I won, foam god, dogma of Nowism idol; ah, sore defiled.
Man: Dog, a devil deified, deified lived a god.
Woman: Zeus was deified, saw Suez.
Man: Mad Zeus, no live devil, lived evil on Suez Dam.
Woman: Reign at Suez, Zeus. Tangier!
Man: He lived as a devil, eh?
Woman: No devil lived on.
Man: No evil shahs live on.
Woman: Repel evil as a live leper.
Man: Revered now I live on. O did I do no evil, I wonder ever?
Woman: ‘Reviled did I live,’ said I, ‘as evil I did deliver.’
Man: Deliver no evil; live on reviled.
Woman: Live on evasions? No, I save no evil.
Man: Live was I ere I saw evil.
Woman: Lewd did I live & evil I did dwel.
Man: Live not on evil, madam, live not on evil.
Woman: He now lives. Evil won, eh?
Man: I moan, ‘Live on, O evil Naomi!’
Woman: Live for Elli, killer of evil.
Man: Evil is a name of a foeman, as I live.
Woman: Evil odes or prose do live.
Man: Doom an evil deed; liven a mood.
Woman: Liverish, sat nail-pared nude (Kansas) naked under a pliant ash, sir. Evil!
Man: Live on Time, emit no evil.
Woman: A harem must nag eleemosynary tramps. A live evil asp martyr any some elegant summer. Aha!
Man: We’ll let Dad tell Lew.
Woman: Pals award sage Degas, draw a slap.
Man: Degas, are we not drawn onward, we freer few, drawn onward to new eras aged?
Woman: War-distended nets I draw.
Man: Ward nurses run, draw.
Woman: Draw, aye, no melody, dole money award.
Man: Draw no dray, a yard onward.
Woman: Draw, O coward!
Man: Draw, O Caesar, erase a coward.
Woman: Draw! Oh, save Eva’s Howard.
Man: Draw pupil’s pup’s lip upward.
Woman: War-distended nets I draw.
Man: Er, I fondle her as late petals are held, no fire.
Woman: Delia sailed as sad Elias ailed.
Man: Delia’s debonair dahlias, poor, drop or droop. Sail, Hadrian; Obed sailed.
Woman: No sail had dahlias on, tra la. Roman air, allude to Ned; denote, dull Arian, a moral art; no sail had dahlias on.
Man: A daffodil I doff, Ada.
Woman: Lid off a daffodil I doff adays at scenic idol embargos, so grab melodic in ecstasy a daffodil. I doff a daffodil.
Man: ‘Miry rim! So many daffodils,’ Delia wailed, ‘slid off a dynamo’s miry rim!’
Woman: Sail on game vassal! Lacy callas save magnolias.
Man: Flow alas, solo cosmic; a lily motif use Sufi to my lilac. I’m so colossal a wolf.
Woman: Risk nip a rose. Karl rakes, or a pink, sir.
Man: Nora, alert, saws goldenrod-adorned logs, wastrel Aaron.
Woman: Risk? No! Can one melt Negroes on warm raw nose or gentlemen on a conk, sir?
Man: St. Eloi, venin saved a mad Eva’s nine violets.
Woman: No, is Ivy’s order a red rosy vision?
Man: Tense, I snap Sharon roses or Norah’s pansies net.
Woman: Norah’s foes order red rose of Sharon.
Man: Marge, let’s went. I await news telegram.
Woman: Marge let a moody baby doom a telegram.
Man: Marge lets Norah see Sharon’s telegram.
Woman: Norah’s moods, Naomi moans, doom Sharon,
Man: Niagara, O roar again!
Woman: I did roar again, Niagara…or did I?
Man: Did I, ameliorating Nita, roil Ema? I did.
Woman: Did I, debating, Nita dating, Nita bed? I did.
Man: Did I do, O God, did I as I said I’d do? Good, I did!
Woman: Did I draw Della too tall, Edward? I did?
Man: Did I fish? Tim’s rod or Smith’s if I did.
Woman: Did I sit in a draught? I, Lilith, guard an ‘itis.’ I did.
Man: Did Ione take Kate? No, I did.
Woman: Did I slam in a lab in N.A. cannibal animals? I did.
Man: Did I strap red nude, red rump, also slap murdered underparts? I did.
Woman: On tub, Edward imitated a cadet; a timid raw debut, no?
Man: Da, Ed dead.
Woman: Al lets Della call Ed Stella.
Man: Stella won no wallets.
Woman: Tug to Remus–No cider? A bargain at a Niagra Bar. Ed, I consume rotgut.
Man: Tess, I part as Al, Liz do go to Godzilla’s; a trap is set.
Woman: ‘La, Mr. O’Neill, lie normal!
Man: Tennis set won now Tess in net.
Woman: Tessa’s in Italy, Latin is asset.
Man: Wonders in Italy, Latin is red now.
Woman: Sal, a late petal up in a mill; I manipulate petal, alas!
Man: Saladin enrobes a baroness, señora, base-born Enid, alas.
Woman: Ten dip a rapid net.
Man: Ten animals I slam in a net.
Woman: Tenet C is a basis, a basic tenet.
Man: Sat in a taxi; left Felix at Anita’s.
Woman: Max, I stay away at six A.M.
Man: Six at party, no pony trap taxis.
Woman: Man, Eve let an irate tar in at eleven A.M.
Man: Not seven on a mere man, one vest on.
Woman: Man, Eve let an idiot, a retromastoid idiot, Sam, or teratoid, in at eleven A.M.
Man: Emir, Cadet Tim, dampening Nora’s sarong, nine P.M., admitted a crime.
Woman: Now ere we nine were held idle here, we nine were won.
Man: He peels. It’s eleven. Rut’s turn, Eve, lest I sleep, eh?
Woman: Some men interpret nine memos.
Man: Ellen, all I’ve noted–a cadet, one villanelle.
Woman: Mirth, sir, a gay asset? No, don’t essay a garish trim.
Moderator: Uh, pardon me for a moment, but I have a few questions for the two of you. Sam, what was one of your duties as the church custodian?
Man: Swept pews. Yes, Sam Massey swept pews.
Woman: Massey, has Simone got an aspirin? I rip Sanatogen, O Miss. Ah, yes, Sam.
Man: We panic in a pew.
Woman: We placed a decal pew.
Man: Set a broom on no moor, Bates.
Woman: Pilfer a ramose broom, a moor besom, a rare flip.
Man: Megan, I finish sin if I nag ‘em.
Moderator: What do you gals and guys do at your quilting bees?
Woman: We sew.
Man: We seven, Eve, sew.
Moderator: Uh, what is the last name of that actor with the first name Jeremy?
Woman: Renner?
Moderator: Right! And there is a Hungarian businessman, George Something?
Man: Soros.
Moderator: That’s him. Do you have a favorite magazine, Miss?
Woman: Elle.
Moderator: Oh, like the supermodel, too. Okay, that’s it for now. Thank you. You may continue.
Man: Stab nail at ill Italian bats.
Woman: We nab anew.
(Woman produces a very large jewel of some sort and displays it.)
Man: Wow!
Woman: Huh?
Man: Mega gem.
Moderator: Did you steal that, Zsa Zsa?
Woman: Rob a gem? Me? Gabor?
Man: A design in ruby burning is Eda.
Woman: Nowise I bury rubies I won.
Man: Diamond-eyed no maid.
Woman: Evil! A diamond, a cad, no maid alive.
Man: Stewed, a jade wets.
Woman: Pun—I pay a pixy no onyx, I pay a pin-up.
Man: Well, Rae passed R.A. wet stewardess a pearl, Lew.
Woman: Birch supple, his path a murk, Nkrumah taps; I help push crib.
Man: ‘Knight, I ask nary rank,’ saith gink.
Woman: Here so long? No loser, eh?
Man: Jar a tonga, nag not a Raj.
Woman: Kay dated a cadet, a Dyak.
Man: Kay, a red nude, peeped under a yak.
Woman: I roamed under it as a tired, nude Maori.
Man: Too bad I hid a boot.
Woman: Rise, morning is red, no wonder sign in Rome, sir.
Man: O render gnostic illicit song, red Nero.
Woman: Rise, sir lapdog! Revolt, lover! God, pal, rise, sir!
Man: ‘Revolt love!’ raved Eva. ‘Revolt, lover!’
Woman: Revolting is error; resign it, lover.
Man: Won’t lovers revolt now?
Woman: Revolt on Yale, Democrats edit “Noontide Star.’ Come, delay not, lover.
Man: Pam’s Ira passes, so, Pip, I possess a Paris map.
Woman: No ham came, sir, now siege is won. Rise, MacMahon.
Man: Animal loots foliated detail of stool lamina.
Woman: Rise, take lame female Kate, sir.
Man: Did Ione take Kate? No, I did.
Woman: Rise, take nine, divide nine, Kate. Sir?
Man: Non!
Woman: Rise to vote, sir!
(Man finally stands up.)
Man: Put onto, he rises; ire hot, not up.
Woman: Risen, oh, sir! I saw mirror rim was Irish one, sir.
Man: Drab bard.
Woman: Drab as a fool, as aloof as a bard.
Man: Drab Reg, no longer bard.
Woman: Flow dolce, song of bard, nor after fret far on drab fog, nose-cold wolf.
Man: Slap dab setup, Mistress Ann asserts, imputes bad pals.
Woman: Name now one man.
Man: Name—I, Major General Clare, Negro Jamie Man.
Woman: Allah, lave Valhalla!
Man: Sydney Yendys.
Woman: Yes, Syd, Owen saved Eva’s new Odyssey.
Man: Stanley Yelnats.
Woman: Name of a foeman?
Man: O Geronimo, no minor ego.
Woman: Oh, who was it I saw, oh, who?
Man: Oh, no, Don Ho!?
Woman: No “X” in Nixon?
Man: Dian, I am reviled, I turn, I dump Martin Gardner, I rend rag ‘n’ I tramp mud in rut, I deliver main aid.
Woman: Paget saw an inn in a waste gap.
Man: Analytic Paget saw an inn in a waste-gap city, Lana.
Woman: Paget saw an Irish tooth, sir, in a waste gap.
Man: ‘Not for Cecil?’ asks Alice Crofton.
Woman: No, it’s a bar of gold, a bad log for a bastion.
Moderator: Let’s run this slide show, shall we.
Man: Put it up, put it up!
Woman: ‘Sal is not in?’ Ruth asks. Ah, turn it on, Silas.
(On the screen a picture appears of the Man’s face on a TV screen.)
Man: Tube debut!
Woman: Face decaf.
(Next slide is a famous Swedish singing group.)
Man: “S.O.S.”
Woman: ABBA!
(Next slide is John Lennon’s widow.)
Man: Yoko Ono, O.K. Oy!
Woman: Avid diva.
(Next is a picture of William Howard Taft.)
Man: Taft, fat.
Woman: LOL!
(Next slide is Zeus with a small canine at his side.)
Man: God’s dog.
Woman: Toto tot.
(Next is a litter of puppies in a chicken enclosure.)
Man: Pooch coop.
Woman: Top step’s pup’s pet spot.
Man: Go, droop aloof, sides reversed, is fool a poor dog.
Woman: Warden in a cap, Mac’s pup, Scamp, a canine draw.
(Next slide depicts two very old cats.)
Man: Senile felines.
Woman: Taco cat.
(Next is said animals walking past a row of store fronts.)
Man: Llama mall.
Woman: Draw no llama a mall onward.
(The next slide is of two male sheep wearing graduation caps and holding diplomas.)
Man: Smart rams.
Woman: Debase wedlock, cold ewes abed.
Man: Marry an Ayr ram.
Woman: No, not now I won’t. On, on.
Man: Smart trams.
Woman: Wot? No smart trams on tow.
(Next is a picture of Mickey Mouse, Algernon and Remy)
Man: Star rats.
Woman: Rats live on no evil star.
Man: ‘Rats gnash teeth,’ sang Star.
Woman: Stark rabid, I bark, ‘Rats!’
Man: Trap a rat. Stare, piper, at star apart.
Woman: Oozy rat in a sanitary zoo.
Man: Puss, a legacy. Rat in a snug, unsanitary cage, lass, up!
Woman: Tarzan raised Desi Arnaz’ rat.
Man: Do not start at rats to nod.
Woman: Stop, Syrian! I start at rats in airy spots.
(Next slide is Ariel’s friend, Sebastian, in a saloon.)
Moderator: What is that?
Man: Bar crab.
Woman: Barcarole’s summer. Aha, royal penalties abed; debase it, lane-play or a harem, mussel or a crab.
(Next is a single bone from a chicken breast.)
Moderator: And that?
Man: Bird rib.
Woman: Emu love volume.
(Next slide is of several nightcrawlers laid out end to end.)
Man: Worm row.
Woman: Mr. Owl ate metal worm…
Moderator: Which was covered with a lot of Tabasco sauce, which made him…
Man: Too hot to hoot.
Woman: Heh-heh!
(Next is a picture of a herd of does, stags and their offspring.)
Man: Deer breed.
Moderator: They certainly do, don’t they?
Woman: Deer frisk, sir, freed.
(Next slide is of a wildebeest standing next to a pile of excrement.)
Moderator: Is that what I think it is?
Man: Gnu dung.
Woman: Poop!
Man: Ungastroperitonitis, is it I? ‘Not I,’ reports a gnu.
Woman: Ungate me, Vic, I’ve met a gnu.
Man: Young Sten nets gnu. Oy!
Woman: Flu galled an illiterate elf. Reed-sung maiden woos. So owned I am. Gnus, deer, fleet are till in a dell, a gulf.
(Next slide is of a Dutch boy sticking his finger in a hole in a dam.)
Man: Dike kid.
Woman: Deb Burton saw dike-tar in a tub, but an irate kid was not rubbed.
(Next is a picture of Olive Oyl with a sneering, sinister facial expression.)
Man: Evil Olive.
Woman: Live Devil.
(Next, what appears to be a workout space.)
Man: My gym.
Woman (making the gesture): Pull up.
Man: Pull up, Eva, we’re here, wave, pull up.
Woman: Pull up if I pull up.
(Next is a model sailboat in a backyard pool.)
Man: Pool sloop.
Woman: Kayak.
(Next slide is a mound of bean curd.)
Moderator: What in the world is that?
Man: UFO tofu.
Moderator: Would that be Unidentified Food Object, then?
Woman: Naan.
(Next, a spiritual advisor sitting on a small carpet.)
Man: Guru rug.
Woman: Viva Aviv!
(Next is a Berber in his living quarters.)
Man: Moor’s room.
Woman: Moors dine, nip, in Enid’s room.
Man: Moorgate got nine men in to get a groom.
Woman: Moor, garb music sidereal, lived urban; nab rude villa ere disc is umbra, groom.
(Next slide, a circus aerial swing)
Man: Trapeze part.
Woman: Refasten net safer.
Man: Net safe, rotten net to refasten.
Woman: Refasten Gipsy’s pignet safer.
Man: Nets aft now. We fasten nets. A few won’t fasten.
Woman: Never a foot too far, even.
(Next slide, Pringles containers)
Man: Snack cans.
Woman: Cigar? Toss it in a can; it is so tragic.
(Next is a picture of Santa Claus with a rocket in the background.)
Man: A Santa at NASA.
Woman: Hell! A spacecraft farce caps all, eh?
(Next slide is of some tropical-looking headgear.)
Man: Tahiti hat.
Woman: Stephen, my hat! Ah, what a hymn, eh, pets?
Man: Nice hat, Bob Tahecin!
Woman: Sir, I soon saw Bob was no Osiris.
(Next is the picture of a single pill bottle.)
Man: Lonely Tylenol.
Moderator: What do you take, dear, for your anxiety attacks?
Woman: Xanax.
(Next is a picture of the Christ the Redeemer statue.)
Man: Rio memoir.
Woman: Espagnola solos along apse.
(Next shows a patio filled with raw vegetables.)
Man: Porch crop.
Woman: He’d no pot; Reg, Nan, Irene drag gardener in anger to pond, eh?
(Next slide is a naked man standing alone in a casino.)
Man: Reno loner.
Woman: Sine penis?
Moderator: But of course without. We would not be allowed to show that!
(Next is a picture that contains the words “Christmas,: “New Year’s,” “Halloween” and four naked females.)
Man: Tit.
Woman: Teet.
Moderator: Now we can show them, however.
Man: Seven Eves.
Moderator: Plus twelve.
Woman: XIX.
Moderator (to the audience): You can do the math.
(Next slide is a picture of a long, crimson garment with an arrow pointing to the hem.)
Man: Red robe border.
Woman: Hem, eh?
Man: I made border bard’s drowsy swords; drab, red-robed am I.
Woman: Red robber gazes not on S.E. Zagreb border.
Man: Red now on level, no wonder.
Woman: Red root put up to order.
(Next is a picture of marionettes strewn about a staircase.)
Man: Step puppets.
Woman: Top step, Sara’s pet spot.
Man: Step on hose pipes? Oh, no, pets.
Woman: Pets tell Abe ballet step.
(Next is a picture of a putting tee aside a thick piece of wood.)
Man: Golf log.
Woman: Golf? No, sir; prefer prison flog.
Man: A dog, a pant, a panic in a Patna pagoda.
Woman: No, sir. Panic is basic in a prison.
(A picture of a world map appears. Man produces a handful of some white granules.)
Moderator: What are you fixing to do?
Man: Salt an atlas. (He then flings it at the screen.)
Woman: Tut-tut!
.
(The last slide depicts a roll of a certain film brand.)
Man: Kodak ad. O.K?
Woman: A gas saga.
Man: Llul sagas lull.
Woman: Now a seesaw on.
Man: K cab back.
Woman: Lepers repel.
Man: Party trap.
Woman: Pine nip.
Man: Pin snip.
Woman: Pins nip.
Man: Space caps.
Woman: Stop pots.
Man: Strap parts.
Woman: Tsetse bestest.
Man: Dairy myriad.
Woman: Stiff, O dairyman, in a myriad of fits.
Man: Valse Slav.
Woman: Ye knave, negate snide Slavic ire to see us sign it “Love.” Revolting issue; esoteric, I valsed in, set a Genevan key.
Moderator: Let’s play some more trivia, shall we?
Man: Yay!
Moderator: Who knows the sixth letter of the Hebrew alphabet?
Woman (raises her hand): Vav.
Moderator: Uh-huh. What about the name for the Vietnamese New Year’s Festival, as well as the ninth letter of the Hebrew alphabet, alternate spelling, if you will?
Man: Tet.
Moderator: Correct. Can someone name a brand of eyewear?
Woman: Eye?
Moderator: Yes. Like, sunglasses.
Man (raises his hand): Neven.
Moderator: Okay. How about a brand of footwear?
Woman: Kizik.
Moderator: Good. Who remembers the name of a popular vocal jazz quartet from 2005?
Man: Zaz?
Moderator: That’s them! How about a kind of knife used primarily by Eskimo women?
Woman: Ulu.
Moderator: Damn, you all know your shit, don’t you? Here’s one. Name the Bernardo Bertolucci epic film whose title is a centurial year.
Man: Aka / MCM.
Moderator: 1900. That’s the one.
Woman: MGM?
Moderator: No, I don’t think so. Now I want someone to identify these two things. One is the last name of a French politician who was executed for treason in 1945. The other is a Canadian island located just northeast of Montreal. It’s the same name for both.
Man: Laval.
Moderator: You got it. Let’s get even more esoteric, then. Name a smoking mixture of tobacco, sumac leaves and bark, if you can.
Woman: Kinnikinnik.
Moderator: That’s right. Now name a Dravidian language of India.
Man: Mayalayam.
Moderator: Right again. This is for Ms. Smarty-Pants here. What’s the Finnish word for a seller of soapstone?
Woman: Saippuakivikauppias.
Moderator: That’s easy for you to say!
Man: O desirable Melba, rise, do!
(Woman gets up, and all remain standing until the end of the play.)
Moderator: Well, I can’t seem to stump you. What other single words and abbreviations do you have for us?
Woman: Evitative.
Man: Rotor.
Woman: Rotator.
Man: Reviver.
Woman: Redivider.
Man: Sexes.
Woman: Stats.
Man: Tat.
Woman: Minim.
Man: Mim.
Woman: Mom.
Man: Mum.
Woman: Dad.
Man: Pop.
Woman: Pap.
Man: Gig.
Woman: Lil.
Man: Viv.
Woman: Ara.
Man: Asa.
Woman: Eke.
Man: Bib.
Woman: Bub.
Man: Eté.
Woman: Ici.
Man: Idi.
Woman: Dud.
Man: DOD.
Woman: AMA.
Man: CDC.
Woman: PCP.
Man: TNT.
Woman: O cita Mora! Aromatico.
Man: But sad Eva saved a stub.
Woman: Degenerate Moslem, a cad. Eva saved a camel so Meta reneged.
Man: Etamine dragon, Nimrod rehems Eva’s dimity. My timid saves me her dorm; in no garden I mate.
Woman: Fist is not silk, sir, if I risk Liston’s. It’s if.
Man: Flee to me, remote elf!
Woman: Fled as aye, fond light-rimmed aid, diadem mirth, gild no fey, a sad elf.
Man: Dewy dale, cinema game, nice lady wed.
Woman: A lob, a rap as bat stabs, a parabola.
Man: Dr. Azil, a lizard?
Woman: You bet I sure can omit Tim on a cerusite buoy.
Man: Zen I bar, give lot to Levi, grab Inez.
Woman: A war at Tarawa.
Man: Warsaw was raw.
Woman: Eda, my glass Algy made.
Man: Edith, cold-eyed, eyed loch tide.
Woman: Noose-born Edna, push table to hotel bath, sup and enrobe soon.
Man: Daft, I meet Señorita Edna, gorge grog and eat iron, esteem it fad.
Woman: Lor! Reno’s reward went up, and Edna put new drawers on Errol.
Man: Too far, Edna, we wander afoot.
Woman: Enid and Edna dine.
Man: Pat and Enda tap.
Woman: O gnats! Tango!
Man: ‘So, I darn on,’ a canon radios.
Woman: Ramona is reposed in a nide so Persian, Omar.
Man: Em, it’s a periwig I wire, pastime.
Woman: Dennis, no misfit can act if Simon sinned.
Man: Noel, let’s egg Estelle on.
Woman: No, it can assess an action.
Man: Snug satraps eye Sparta’s guns.
Woman: No, I save on final perusal, a sure plan if no evasion.
Man: So, may Apollo pay Amos?
Woman: No, none. My hero! More hymen, on, on.
Man: Nostril flare for erotic ova, hag; Ah so, O shag a havoc; I, torero feral, flirt, son.
Woman: Not Ella; brat star ballet on.
Man: No, set a maple here, help a mate, son.
Woman: Not I, no hotel, cycle to Honiton.
Man: Spa élan aids racy alpha jar. Rajah, play care. Diana leaps.
Woman: No sign if in, Kwame, babe; maw knifing is on.
Man: Did Anna say as Anna did?
Woman: Lew, Otto has a hot towel.
Man: Hannah, did Otto peep? Otto, did Hannah?
Woman: Emit no gas, Otto; got to SAG on time.
Man: ‘E finks it’s old Otto’d lost ‘is knife.
Woman: Ned, ay, asinine Daniel did idle in a den, in, I say, a den.
Man: Nemo, we revere women.
Woman: Ned, go gag Ogden.
Man: In a chair use many names, Uriah. Can I?
Woman: Si, we’ll let Dad tell Lewis.
Man: Put Felix I left up.
Woman: Put Felix, if fuss arises or arose, sir, as suffix I left up.
Man: Nor I, fool, ah no; we won halo of iron.
Woman: Nor I nor Emma had level’d a hammer on iron.
Man: Emma, doll, I’d accept Nan Guper as a ton tub, but not as a repugnant peccadillo, dam me!
Woman: Pure suet is opposite user-up.
Man: Pure, eh? Called Ella. Cheer up.
Woman: ‘Slang is not suet, is it?’ Euston signals.
Man: No, it never propagates if I set a gap or prevention.
Woman: Deb, a deb or Nellie (dame made ill), enrobed abed.
Man: Pupils roll a ball or slip up.
Woman: ‘Pupils!’ I say, as I slip up.
Man: Nembutal, life’s reverse. Fill a tub, men!
Woman: On a tip, act, Capitano.
Man: Eloped a general, a gal, a renegade Pole.
Woman: Eh, wash crimson? Wondered a general, a renegade, red now, no smirch saw he.
Man: On, hostess! Ugh! Gussets? Oh, no!
Woman: On me? O Poem, no!
Man: Eve is a sieve.
Woman: Sun ever, a bare Venus.
Man: Sue, dice, do, to decide us.
Woman: Tide net safe, soon, Allin. A manilla noose fastened it.
Man: Tie soldier trash (Sartre); I’d lose it.
Woman: Ties ruck curse it.
Man: ‘Tis Sim’s idyll, a breviary, Myra. I verbally dismiss it.
Woman: Reg, I tamed Em a tiger.
Man: Regard a mere mad rager.
Woman: Resume so pacific a pose, muser.
Man: Retracting, I sign it, Carter.
Woman: Salisbury moor, sir, is roomy. Rub Silas.
Man: Saladin enrobes a baroness, señora, base-born Enid, alas.
Woman: Sal, a late petal up in a mill; I manipulate petal, alas!
Man: Semite, be sure; damn a man-made ruse betimes.
Woman: No benison, no sin. Ebon.
Man: An error, rim not on mirror, Rena.
Woman: To nets, ah, no, son, haste not.
Man: Too far away, no mere clay or royal ceremony, a war afoot.
Woman: Top Deb, an Osiris girl, lord, droll rig, sir, is on a bedpot.
Man: To Pa Ettie ceded urn. Rude deceit—teapot.
Woman: To pistol, I pondered; no pilots I pot.
Man: A poem, a carol, or a cameo, Pa.
Woman: Meek, I listen. No sonnets I like, Em.
Man: Bishop made lame female damp? Oh, Sib!
Woman: Pull a bat. I held a ladle, hit a ball up.
Man: Anne, I stay a day at Sienna.
Woman: Ladle histolytic city lots I held, Al.
Man: Lattimer asks a remittal, Eva. Histolytic city lots I have; Lattimer asks a remittal.
Woman: Ere hypocrisies or poses are in, my hymn I erase. So prose I, sir, copy here.
Man: Stab, mow, knife de fink wombats!
Woman: Miserable bad asset, ample hypocrisy. As I say, sir, copy helpmates sad Abel, bare Sim.
Man: Loop, dip, mild natal fay, by a water; fret away by a flat and limpid pool.
Woman: Re hypocrisy—as I say, sir, copy her.
Man: Si, we’ll let Dad tell Lewis.
Woman: No dot nor Ottawa legal age law at Toronto, Don.
Man: No D, no L. .on.on? No, no! London!
Woman: Lapp, Mac? No, sir, prison camp pal.
Man: Are we not, Rae, near to new era?
Woman: No dial; fine music is U, men, if laid on.
Man: A tin mug for a jar of gum, Nita.
Woman: Evade me, Dave.
Man: Do I report “Sea Moth” to Maestro, period?
Woman: Flesh. Saw I, Mimi, wash self.
Man: Flesh? Sin if I finish self.
Woman: Pusillanimity obsesses Boy Tim in “All Is Up.”
Man: ‘ll debase many names, a bed’ll.
Woman: No waste, grab a bar, get saw on.
Man: No word, no bond, row on.
Woman: Now revolts Olympus, ogre volcano; on a clover go sup, my lost lover won.
Man: Elapse, Time, relative gate to my agony. By no gay motet age vital eremites pale.
Woman: Mother at song no star, eh, Tom?
Man: Refer.
Woman: Mother Eve’s noose we soon sever, eh, Tom?
Man: ‘Now dine,’ said I as Enid won.
Woman: Must sell at tallest sum.
Man: Sums are not set as a test on Erasmus.
Woman: Never odd or even.
Man: Now Eve, we’re here, we’ve won.
Woman: Now, sir, a war is won.
Man: Now do I repay a period won?
Woman: Now slash! Superb, as a sabre push. Sal’s won.
Man: He wondered, is no colossal eel as solo considered now, eh?
Woman: Pam’s Ira passes, so, Pip, I possess a Paris map.
Man: Turn! I note severe Karl, Eve, level raker, Eve; set on in rut.
Woman: Loofahs awry at Ayr wash a fool.
Man: Loot, slate, metal plate, metal stool.
Woman: Ablata at Alba.
Man: Si nummi imingmunis.
Moderator: Oh, you want to play that now—Latin and Greek examples.
Woman: Ebro e otel ma Amleto e orbe.
Man: In girum imus nocte et consumimur igni.
Woman: Niψon anomemata me monan oψin.
Moderator: Which means, “Wash your sins, not just your face.”
Woman: Signa te signa, temere me tangis et angis; / Roma, tibi subito motibus ibit amor;
Man: Si bene te tua laus taxat, sua laute tenebis; / Solo medere pede, ede, perede molos.
Moderator: You’re just showing off now!
Woman: Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts.
Man: Busy van notes radar: a wastrel, alert, saw a radar set on Navy sub.
Woman: Deirdre wets altar of St. Simon’s. No mists, for at last ewer dried.
Man: Spare Dartmoor’s Sal can in a classroom trade raps.
Woman: Dim Rodney repardoned ungarbed deb, rag nude, no drapery, end or mid.
Man: Nora, by my llano, I to mellific Ida toss drowsy astral-age roses; Ava, put up a vase so regal. Art says words Sotadic I fill emotionally, my baron.
Woman: Spill a germ or feral bit, Alcestis. O Pan, erase villager. “Regal lives’ arena posits éclat,” I blare from regal lips.
Man: Spitfires sap Sir Cecil; a brevet alibis pillager. Regal lip, sibilate verbal ice crisp as serif tips.
Woman: ‘S pity. So red, ungirt, rig nude, rosy tips.
Man: Diary? No, miladi. Dross verbal by a grot, a cove? Evocator gay, blab revs sordid alimony raid.
Woman: To id–if I, an emoter, cannot fight or fall, or frustrated, I bay and do sit. ‘Tis odd. Nay! Abide, tart surf. Roll a froth gift on nacre to me, naif idiot.
Man: Diana, sit rapt. So melts a chassé legato of foot ageless. Ah, castle most partisan, aid.
Woman: Eras bolster aback Cuba. Eyes nettle forensic ire to sere drums, Sam. Mass murder esoteric is. Nero felt tense? Yea, buck cabaret slobs are.
Man: Ana, crass, a mad nadir ate. Who meets Etna? I, dark coma, a mock-radiant esteem—oh, wet-arid–=and a mass arcana.
Woman: Oh, wet Alex, a jar, a fag; up, disk, curve by; man Oz, Iraq, Arizona, my Bev; ruck’s id-pug, a far Ajax elate. Who?
Man: I saw Nerissa, pure in water, Eve’s mirror. Edna, with gilded light I wander, or rim severe, tawnier upas; siren was I.
Woman: I saw Rosa with Giles Rowan in war bed, under it. Ere we retired, nude brawn, in a worse light I was, or was I?
Man: Anadem, ah, Saturnism! O sob, nude baroness, Apostolate Roma; amoret, a lot so passé; nor abed unbosom sin, rut ashamed, Ana.
Woman: On hay not to nod, I hope. Elsie, my sword mistress, asserts I’m drowsy. Me, I sleep. Oh, I do not, Tony, ah, no.
Man: Mood gal, spur a famine fatal; I attach turban, nab Ruth, cattail at a fen; I’m afar up slag doom.
Woman: Moody spigot dew, sag assured. Roar, zero tide! Editor Ezra, order us sagas wed to gipsy doom.
Man: Moo, lost elk. O orbs amid wonders awed. Was it a bat? I saw dew as red, now dim as brooklet so loom.
Woman: Moo, lost elk. O orbs amid wonders awed. Was it organic, in ecstasy tied? Deity sat scenic in a grot. I saw dew as red, now dim as brooklet, so loom.
Man: Snug senile heresiologist, farce; be xerus-nosed, aha! Hades on sure xebec rafts I go, Lois, ere he lines guns.
Woman: Spidery Gyre pardoned a mermaid. I am remodelled, O mermaid, I am remade. No drapery gyre dips.
Man: Spill a germ or feral bit, Alcestis. O Pan, erase villager. “Regal lives’ arena posits éclat,” I blare from regal lips.
Woman: Spitfires sap Sir Cecil; a brevet alibis pillager. Regal lip, sibilate verbal ice crisp as serif tips.
Man: Torero, with cayenne, I, Sir Apostle, fire volts. Ah, hast lover? I felt so Parisienne; yacht I wore rot.
Woman: Tress astir, copy hedonism. O sob, nude baroness; elicit tic I lessen or abed unbosom sinode; hypocrits assert.
Man: Trap edified afore, wolfed is yawning Io cave. Eva, coign-in-wayside flower, O fade if I depart.
Woman: T. Eliot, top bard, notes putrid tang emanating, is sad. I’d assign it a name–gnat-dirt upset on drab pot toilet.
Man: Kook!
Woman: Boob!
Moderator: Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of Actors’ Equity Association…
Man and Woman (together): AEA.
Moderator: We want to thank you for your attendance and indulgence. And now, we will end by telling you what these naughty folks did.
Man and Woman (take turns speaking the names, the last three words together): Dennis, Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo, Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, Dee, Rena, Joel, Lora, Cecil, Aaron, Flora, Tina, Arden, Noel and Ellen sinned.
All three together: Ainamania!
(All take a bow,)
THE END
[With a major contribution from Howard W. Bergerson]